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5 Bumps

Can anyone offer their opinion on this debate between my husband and I?

I know this should probably be categorized in the Adoption section, but the thing is, it's a debate between my husband and I, and I'd like some input.

I STRONGLY want to adopt a baby. I always have, and now that I'm a mother, I've only wanted to do it more. It's something that's very close to my heart, and matters a lot to me.

My husband does not.

His argument is that you're basically setting yourself up for failure as the child grows older and eventually finds out they're adopted. He says that can be a horrible thing to discover and can lead to many problems, and why would I want to go through that?

My argument is that they're going to be adopted anyways (hopefully, and considering they don't live their life in foster care), and that as a loving parent, I would do my best to make this discovery as painless as possible. I guess I'm not thinking as selfishly as he is (no offense to my wonderful husband, lol).

I'm trying to explain to him that I've known many people who have been adopted and are very well-adjusted and are happy in their lives. He says that often not the case. He also says that my feelings about them not getting adopted are unfounded, because all healthy ones will get adopted, and that the ones that aren't have a lot of problems, mental and physical. (That part really irks me, that he'd say that) I'm not concerned about getting an absolutely perfect child. We could easily give birth to a baby and encounter problems as well, but that doesn't mean I've love him/her any less!

Are any of you adopted, and if so, how do you feel about it? Those that aren't adopted, how do you view the issue?

This has been a little upsetting to me, as I feel like one of my dreams has been crushed. We had previously discussed it and he didn't oppose it as he does now. I guess I'm just wondering if I can sway him, and if so, how? Or do I just let the dream go and give birth to all of the children I hope to have?

 
LovingSAHMommy

Asked by LovingSAHMommy at 12:01 PM on Dec. 9, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Level 40 (115,957 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (46)
  • Here's the thing...ANY child can come with problems. Most have some kind of challenge or issue that you have to deal with, ranging from minor to major. This is the case whether they are born to you or adopted. My husband and I were both very healthy, young,had no history of problems on either side of our family, and we gave birth to a child with autism. It can happen to ANYBODY. There are no guarantees in life. My thought is, if the child you adopt does indeed have problems, how great would it be if you could help that child, by giving him/her a loving, accepting environment? I encourage you and your husband to read the book: Happiness is a Choice, by Barry Neil Kaufman. It is somewhat of a self-help book, but he tells the story of how they decided to adopt several children who were considered ""damaged goods", and how they turned those kids' lives around. It's a really beautiful story.
    moniquinha

    Answer by moniquinha at 12:40 PM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • My best friend for the past 25 years was adopted. She is very happy, has no unresolved conflicts, etc. Her adoptive parents told her when she was very young and it was never a big deal for her.
    I do think that there is no shortage of parents to adopt white healthy babies, in fact there aren't enough of those to go to the parents that want to adopt them. But if you were willing to take a mixed race baby, or one with problems, then you would be doing a good thing.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 12:05 PM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I'd suggest meeting adopted adults for him, or going to see children in foster care. If you can save one child from the horrors of foster care, DO IT!
    mrskrisher

    Answer by mrskrisher at 12:06 PM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I would suggest that maybe adopt a child who is old enough to know what is going on! At least then from the very beginning you can be open with the child and encourage the child that even though you are not related through birth, he is related by a loving heart(s) ?
    JesF419

    Answer by JesF419 at 12:10 PM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • problem with this site is that we never get the man's side of it (unless he's sneaky about it).
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:04 PM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I can see both sides but your husband makes it sound hell of a lot worse then I'm sure it would be.
    I can see how it would cause some issues with adoptive children but I bet many of them are happy that someone wanted them but they just have questions about their real parents
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 12:05 PM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I think with any child there are risks, whether they are biological or adopted. There are never any guarantees that your child is going to grow up happy, healthy and well adjusted, we just have to take a leap of faith as parents and hope for and do our best. If you have always been open and honest about your child being adopted then there is never that awful moment of discovery when everything they thought they knew changes. I think because adoption is more of an open thing these days that people have learned to handle it better than "in the old days" where someone would find an adoption record in their parents things and discover the truth. It's very possible a child would have some issues of not being loved enough by their birth mother but I think that can be addressed by loving, well-informed adoptive parents who are willing to help the child work thru those emotions. Basically, I see your DH's fears, but I side with you.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 3:06 PM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • I thnk the most important thing is to just talk early and often about the fact. There are many different kinds of families these days, and having adopted parents isn't uncommon. A friend of mine has a different father than her 4 younger siblings and was told as long as she can remember that her sisters dad isn't her REAL dad, but that he is Still and Always going to be her Daddy and loves her exactly the same. This would be the approach that I would take.
    Winter1derland

    Answer by Winter1derland at 9:04 AM on Dec. 10, 2010

  • I think it's kool that you want to do that. Maybe your husband is afraid he can't love an adopted child as much as his own. Yes, some adopted children want to know who their adopted parents are. Some don't. I wouldn't worry about what's going to happen when the kid turns 18. Not all healthy kids are adopted. There are alot that stay in foster care their whole lives. I think you should do it if you feel that you really want to. However, your husband has to agree.
    bseastrand

    Answer by bseastrand at 12:06 PM on Dec. 9, 2010

  • You really need his approval to adopt, so I would say give up the dream for now and work on your family. It is very noble of you to want to do this and it shows you have a great big heart.  I know how you feel, I have wanted to do this for a long time too, but hubby just does not see it my way. Instead why don't you help orphanages and get involved with becoming a big sister or anything like this, this is what I have done many many times.

    older

    Answer by older at 12:07 PM on Dec. 9, 2010