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I feel like I am in a lose, lose situation right now.

I am married right now and it is getting out of control. My DH has a temper problem, and it only seems to be getting worse. I have 2 kids and 1 on the way, and he just can't handle them AT ALL.

On one hand I want this relationship to work, because I really don't want to be judge for having 3 kids by different dads. On the other hand I want to protect my kids and I am afraid that it is going to escalate, since I have talked to him until I am blue in the face, and he is great to me but he is horrible with the kids when that are acting up.

I feel like a bad mom because I am staying with him and trying to make it work, but I will also feel like a bad mom because the three of my kids will have different dad's and I may not be with any of the dads and even I find that so very wrong, and it is a guilt that I fight with everyday, but can't change and I refuse to EVER have an abortion.

I am a bad mom for staying and I know I am being judged for staying, but I am also a bad mom if I leave and will be judge for having 3 kids with different dads....

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Asked by Anonymous at 7:42 PM on Dec. 10, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (15)
  • Forget about being JUDGED. There is only ONE JUDGE that matters, and if you don't get out of what appears to be a bad situation, you AND your children might wind up meeting Him sooner rather than later.

    Will your husband go for counseling? If not, GO YOURSELF. In ANY event, GO YOURSELF. It will help you stop making poor decisions.

    So you have kids by three different dads. Big frickin' deal. Don't worry about it. The Court of Public Opinion has no jurisdiction.

    Answer by gdiamante at 7:46 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

  • I say that to my self all the time, that only God can judge me. I still cry every night because I know I keep making bad choices when it comes to men, and I don't know why. I don't understand, and I am always disgusted in myself, I am a good mom to my kids I would never let them do without, I try to be there for them when I can. However I know it's not good for them to meet men and then they aren't around anymore.

    I know that I am not doing the right thing right now and I am scared out of my mind because I have talked to him about counselling and he just makes excuses why he acts that way.......I am so sick of it but at the same time I am afraid to divorce him because I am afraid of losing my kids.....

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:55 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

  • Doll, if he's treating the kids that way & "Can't stand them", why are you worried about losing them? Do you think the first 2's dads will try to get custody? Let me assure you of this-if you or one of the little ones shows up at the hospital hurt, or the kids start talking about how this guy acts, chances are good that YOU WILL LOSE THEM. Please, honey; do it for them. It's not that uncommon to have kids by different men, and if someone judges you for leaving a relationship where the man didn't like your kids, that's their problem. Leave this guy, & talk to a therapist some. You will be ok!

    Answer by KA91 at 8:11 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

  • The other kids dad's aren't involved in their lives, one was abusive and doesn't bother with his visits any more
    The other cheated on me and got the other girl pregnant a month before me, I didn't find out about her until I was 4 months pregnant. He left me for her, and doesn't want anything to do with his child, I don't get CS because the judge ordered they didn't have to pay...

    I am afraid that Children's Aid will be called on me and they will see that my choices in men have been poor and I will lose my kids. They are everything to me, and I wouldn't be the same person without them.

    I have had strangers come up to me and ask me why I am even with him because of the way he acts in public sometimes. They ask why I am even with him because our temperaments are so different and of course that always sets him off.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:25 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

  • I'm not trying to be nosy, I promise, but I'd really like to help you. Who are you worried will call Child Services? The guy you're with out of anger? Or some random person? My future mother-in-law has 3 kids by 3 different dads, many more husbands/boyfriends/affairs than that, & every single man was crap. Nobody has ever called child services on her, because she is a good mom. I can't see anyone condemning you for bad choices as long as you are taking action to fix them

    Answer by KA91 at 8:29 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

  • The guy I am with because he knows my mom, the only friend I have.

    I honestly just think that I make my self feel like crap, I know I'm not making the right choices with men, I know that I am a good mom, but sometimes I feel I don't deserve what I have. I can't talk to anyone out of fear of being judged, out of fear of being told I am just like my mother. I want to talk to a counselling, I want friends that are positive and I can trust and talk to and set playdates up with, but I am paralyzed by fear, that I am going to be judges unfairly, that I am going to be labeled a whore and abuser like my mother. I have worked my butt off to finish school to give my kids what they need, I would never lay a hand on my kids, but every time I make a mistake I break down, I make it like my achievements are nothing and I have to do better. I know deep down NONE of it is true, but I don't know how to fix how I feel.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:44 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

  • I tried to take anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants, but they made me feel loopy, and I couldn't pick up my kids because I couldn't feel my limbs. The Dr said it's because meds just do work well with me, and that it is more a mental thing that I need therapy for, but I can talk to a therapist with out fear I will be judged unfit and my kids will be taken from me.

    I know how pathetic I sound. I really do, and I don't know how to stop feeling this way. For a long time I didn't FEEL anything, then it came crashing back and I was able to cope I was so happy, then I got pregnant and I end up feeling this way again. I just don't get it.....

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:49 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

  • Honey, I feel your pain on that one. Everyone is their own worst critic, & I have perfected it. I know that my life is good, but some days I feel like I've f***ed it up royally & I have no one to blame but myself. Other days, I think my daughter deserves much better than I can provide for her right now. Your emotions are actually linked into your memory, did you know that? When you're upset, your brain is wired to remember mostly other times that you've been upset. If you can find something that calms you, even for 5 minutes, it will help you feel more clearheaded & put things in perspective. I usually cry it out, & then do some yoga for about 10 minutes, & drink some hot peppermint tea. You know, deep down, that you deserve better than this, & you just told me you're a good mom! & when you worry about being judged if you leave him, think about this: other people see this too, or they wouldn't ask you why you're with this guy!

    Answer by KA91 at 8:53 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

  • I just want to say thank you, because even though I don't know you and I just poured my soul out over the net, your advice means a lot to me. It is so hard having to try and be perfect for everyone, and fearing every word that comes out of my mouth. It feels nice to talk to someone about my feelings. Some one who actually has advice, and sadly seems to care more then my family and friend.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:00 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

  • You're very welcome. That's what this site is supposed to be for, even if it is abused sometimes! I'm just paying it forward, because I've gotten sound help & support here several times. Everyone needs to talk to someone who can understand a little bit of what they're going through. If you're comfortable enough, you're welcome to send me a friend invite. You seem like a wonderful, caring woman, & I'd love to chat with you on a regular basis. If not, you can just leave this question open & we can talk here- it'll show on my page whenever you update.

    Answer by KA91 at 9:54 PM on Dec. 10, 2010

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