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which do you think is morally right?

a man is in love with a woman and has been for 9 years but for one reason or other they couldn't be together.
same man had to move on , so he did with a woman he's not really in love with, they had child, she turned out to be a sex offender ( not with her kids though).
he wants to leave the second woman whether or not the first one wants him for many reasons but it so happens the first one is available for him to be with.
he's over seas ( Kuwait) first woman is in one state and second woman is in the hometown of all three.
now he thinks he should wait a year to tell the second women it's over so he can tell her "face to face"
but the first woman thinks he should be man enough to tell her NOW so that she don't go a year thinking everything is fine and that it's wrong of him knowing most know his love for the first woman to have to hide he

so whats your opinion?
should he break it to the 2nd woman now instead of leading her on..
or should he keep hiding the woman he's been in love with for 9 years and finally gets the chance to be with?

this is an opinion question if theres any question you have, i'll try to answer the best i can. remember theres no right or wrong way to answer this. :-)

Answer Question

Asked by pinkrayn at 7:30 AM on Dec. 11, 2010 in Relationships

Level 11 (639 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Ick, ick, ick. The one I feel the most for is the child. My opinion: if he wasn't in love with woman number 2, he should not have been having sex with her, but that horse is out of the barn. Now that he has a child with her, I think he is morally obligated to remain in that child's life, which means remaining in the woman's life (especially since she clearly has "issues") until the child is grown. Since he's over-seas, that's going to be very, very hard and I think that breaking up with the second woman right now potentially puts the child at risk.

    He should not be worried so much about his romantic state as he is about the welfare of his child. Woman #1 has waited for 9 years, she can wait one more, for the benefit of his child. Once he gets back state-side and can make sure custody and other child welfare issues are handled appropriately, he can move on to making his romantic life more of a priority.

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 8:09 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • ok thats good, thnk you .... now what if he wants in the childs life... to the point he wants full custody ? say his family is taking care of his child and the child from her previous relationship because she don't want to do anything..... to the point where she don't even take them to doctor visits.... like the doctor don't even know her type never. lets say the reason he stayed with her was because he was afraid she'd take his child from him ... because he didn't know any better?

    Comment by pinkrayn (original poster) at 8:31 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • I don't know if I understand your second set of questions. The best way for him to get custody is for him to not rock the boat now, but to come back to the states, set up a stable home and have lots of data collected that show the mother to be unfit. Have his family keep a running diary of every time she does something with the child, so that it's obvious to the court when a custody hearing happens. He won't win if she contests it (and she might if she thinks he's breaking up with her) and he's over-seas.

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 8:39 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • understandable, but just because she contests it even with her history of being a sexual predator ( as in sex offender but i'm sure you knew that LOL ) she'd still have a chance to keep the child if he came back and protested it? i honestly don't know this was a topic that came up with a friend of mine and I'm trying to get an idea ya know?

    Comment by pinkrayn (original poster) at 9:00 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • Once he gets back, and his family has been keeping a record of what the bio mom has/ hasn't been doing, plus her being a sex offender, I'd say he's got a very good chance of gaining full custody. Him breaking up with her shouldn't have much to do with it. Not if he hasn't cheated, beaten her, or done anything else he shouldn't have done. Are they married? Or just dating. It doesn't sound as if the sex offender knows anything of the woman he actually loves. Which would be a plus. But, he does need to put the interests of his daughter first. And the woman he 'loves' needs to be supportive of that, and understand that. If the bio mom hasn't ever, or very rarely take the child to the doc, that's neglect. That coupled with the sex offender status= bad and unfit mother I'd say. The only thing is he's either active duty or a contractor. He's got to have a family care plan. Which he seems to. Tough situation.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 10:06 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • He's military so if the second wife finds out she can hang his behind by proving he's involved with another woman. he can't get full child custody while he's deployed and won't look good when she tells the military he's "cheating". The first woman needs to learn patience and let him take care of his military obligations, go home, deal with second wife then live happily ever after. In other words she needs to listen to him. He knows what he needs to do and when. He knows the consequences if he does it wrong.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:13 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • if this is a real situation there is a group for moral support for the first woman here on CM

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:15 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • yeah it would be tough and i'm sure that the loved woman would understand and be supportive ( if not what kind of person would she be) and for sake of argument... they aren't married. everything you said seems to be what i thought too .... she'd have one hell of a chance in keeping the child with her background. and as for the family plan i would say with family basicly taking care of the child already then thats the plan LOL... i guess LOL

    Comment by pinkrayn (original poster) at 10:23 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • If he is not in love with her, tell her. If it happens to be while he is overseas, that is just a bump. But he should still tell her that he does not want to be with her. Why make himself miserable for the next year? The woman he is in love with might not always be there.

    Answer by mistical_me at 11:15 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • ok all good opinions love em ..... now lets forget the child, pretend the bio mom doesn't want him at all ..... now put yourself in shoe of woman number 1 ( the love of his life) she's also realized that he was the right one for him and is in love with him as well but don't think she deserves to be hidden like a school girl hiding from her parents .
    now put your self in the shoes of woman number two ( the one who is the current woman) she's being led to believe she's got her man and he wants to marry her ( because for some reason she has it in her head he wants to, not because he actually proposed) . so in woman #1's case would you like to be hidden, treated like he's ashamed? or in woman #2's case would you like to be led on to believe this man is in love with you and only you? or do you think it's better he break it to #2 before it goes any farther with women#1 ? ......... and again this is all for opinion purposes

    Comment by pinkrayn (original poster) at 11:45 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

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