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9 Bumps

I need a polite way to tell my MIL that I do not want her here.

We are expecting twins soon and my hubby will be deploying 10 days after they arrive. We live 12 hours away from family and have already made arrangements for my mother to come and stay for a month or a little more once this happens to help me get situated and recovered from the c section. Once my MIL found out about this plan she said "Okay well when your mother leaves then I will come and stay for a month as well." My mouth about dropped to the floor and I wanted to say HELL NO right off the bat but I just kind of bit my tongue and said "We will see how things go, we have some time to plan." I am not trying to be rude here but this woman is the most negative person I have ever come across in my entire life. My husband does not even talk to his mother anymore and I have become the peace keeper between the two of them over the past couple of years. She has never been supportive of anything that we, or any of her children, have done and even strongly recommended abortion when she found out we were expecting twins instead of one baby. I was furious. She invited herself here in October and even bought her plan tickets before consulting us about it. It was the LONGEST week of our lives. She complained about everything down to our house (which was spotless when she arrived), the shows my husband and I watch on TV when the kids are in bed, the way that we raised our kids (like she thought it was insane that I was letting my 19 month old drink from a cup with a straw and not a sippy cup). It was just awful and my husband told her she needs to relax and stop nitpicking everything and enjoy her visit. This turned into a huge screaming fit on her part and she ignored us IN OUR OWN HOME for 3 days straight. Literally she would not answer us if we tried talking to her. I just cannot have her here after the babies come, especially for THAT long. It is going to be a very happy, yet very exhausting time for me and I want to enjoy every minute of it without feeling as if i'm walking on egg shells in my own house. I know eventually she will probably want to see the twins and that is fine but this month long stay is out of the question in my book I just don't know how to tell her this without it causing an uproar. I asked my husband what I should say and his response was "Just tell her you don't fu*cking want her here, or i'll tell her".. now of course i'm not going to do that!!! Any advice or ideas?? If you made it all the way through my ramblings, I apologize for it being so long and thank you for listening!! By the way.. posting Anon is not something I often do but i'm afraid she will stumble upon this post because she tends to stalk my every move sometimes.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:28 AM on Dec. 11, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (23)
  • Ask her if the tickets are refundable? When she asks why let know how you feel. Rehash the one week she was there with your family. She will probably give you the silent treatment for a while , but who cares? It is what you are comfortable with.
    sexyfancyface

    Answer by sexyfancyface at 4:51 AM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • be honest and say the you are having your mother there to help with the babies because of the c section but after that month you want time to bond with the babies on your own with out other people around and you would love her to come out for a visit sometime in the future.....and hubby is right its your house you just need to tell her not to come.....
    cara124

    Answer by cara124 at 8:36 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • Maybe I'm a wuss, but if it's your husband's mother, then HE needs to be the one to tell her. I have major issues with my MIL and she will look for any reason to make me the bad guy (you know, so she doesn't have to face up to the fact that SHE is the one who has ruined her relationship with her son...it's much easier to blame it on me). I would insist that he talk to her and let her know that it's not a good idea for her to come stay for a month.

    vicesix

    Answer by vicesix at 8:38 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • Tell her that you will not need her to stay for a month. I had a c-section and by two weeks I was okay to take care of myself and the baby. Obviously if she wasn't a pain in the a$$ you would welcome the extra help, but since she is a jerk, tell her kindly but FIRMLY, no. Plain and simple. NO. Tell her you will not need her for that long and that she is welcome for a couple days, but after that you will need to get into the swing of things with your baby. Having a month long house guest will only hamper you from getting into a groove with your newborn and you want to get some normalcy as soon as possible. If she can't understand after all that, then have your husband give his response! :)
    CarriePM

    Answer by CarriePM at 8:36 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • Tough situation...take it from someone who knows. For your own peace of mind say something, or have you hubby say something. I am of the frame of mind while her feelings might get hurt, it is your home, your children, and your choice of whether or not you want her or anyone else in your home. I have twins (older now) and the help I received for the first year from MY family I could never repay and so much appreciated. Having said that I also know that in a time of great joy there is also some recovery time and emotional stuff as well as you will be tired! Who wants the added crap an unwelcome visitor can bring. My mil showed up without asking if she could come last September, she had forwarded her mail, brought her cat, and her entire medical portfolio! She is still here! She is also very negative and depressing. We have a 9 y/o dd I do my best to keep her away from. Please say whatever you need to, to stop this from happening
    Noosa

    Answer by Noosa at 9:54 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • Just let her know that you already have plenty of help but you appreciate her offer.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:09 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • You have the patience of Job! I woulda told her to fuck off a long time ago! I wish you luck and happiness with your blessings and these holidays!
    Babylove76

    Answer by Babylove76 at 10:20 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • I would simply tell her that having her around is too stressful for you especially without her son there with you and you do not need that added stress after giving birth to twins. Truthfully I would just tell her the truth.
    aeneva

    Answer by aeneva at 8:38 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • You are going to have far too much responsibility in caring for 2 babies, you don't need the added weight of a house guest on top of all of that. I think your DH needs to deal with this one. If he doesn't mind playing bad cop, let him. It's HIS mother, after all. You are blessed that you married a real man who isn't afraid of dealing with the conflict! Just a look around CM and you realize how many men won't deal with their own mothers. Good luck, and CONGRATULATIONS on your double bundles!!!

    JawgaMom1

    Answer by JawgaMom1 at 10:35 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • You need to tell her point blank that she will not be able to stay with you. You are kind to consider her feelings, but it doesn't seem that she has considered yours or your dh's in the past. Don't allow her to push herself on you, just set up the boundaries and rules and stick with it. You don't need that kind of stress with your dh deployed and new babies! Be firm.
    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 10:37 AM on Dec. 11, 2010

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