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3 Bumps

My son has questions....

And I want to know if I answered them right. We were going to Cub Scouts the other day and he was asking about when he was a baby and wanting to know who took care of him. I explained to him that I was the only one to care for him when he was a baby without help. And I explained to him that his dad helped a lot when we got together and he loved him a bunch. He asked about his BF asking if I thought that BF loved him and wanting to know why his BF didn't come around when he was a baby. I just told him that caring for a baby was too much for BF (even though I was 17 and BF was 26) and he just didn't come around but, he did love him. In reality, BF has 2 sons that are 7 weeks apart and he chose the other child. Jason knows his brother is the same age he just hasn't added it all up yet. He will be 9 in Feb. So, did I answer good enough or is there anything else I should tell him? BF also has a daughter 15 months younger than my son that was given up for adoption at birth to family, do I tell him or do I let BF tell him? None of the children know. TIA!!

Answer Question
 
matthewscandi

Asked by matthewscandi at 10:33 PM on Dec. 11, 2010 in Adoption

Level 26 (27,814 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • I think you answered those questions fine. I wouldn't tell him about his sister until he is either older or he asks if he has any other siblings
    Justins_mommy05

    Answer by Justins_mommy05 at 10:41 PM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • I think its up to the BF to tell his son that his little sister was given up for adoption. It isn't your child so isnt your place. Personally i would have made the BF explain why he wasnt around when your son was a baby. You made BF sound like a good guy in reality he wasn't. You son will learn the full truth sooner or later and he's going to wonder why you never told him
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 10:42 PM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • So you didn't adopt him you just had a child as a single mom? I'm not bashing. I am just trying to figure out why it's in the adoption category. No, don't tell him about the sister. That's too much for a young boy to process.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:49 PM on Dec. 11, 2010

  • Is his dad, your husband, the person who's been raising with you? Or, were you talking about birth dad? Sounds to me as though you did a pretty good job of answering his questions as long as what you said was the truth. I think you need to be truthful, but, you have to share the truth in the best possible way too. For instance, if birth dad did not care about him, you don't say that exactly or provide the details now. But, don't lie either and say he does. I think saying you don't know (if that is true) is fine.

    Badmouthing birth dad is a bad idea, but lying isn't good either. I think you did a pretty good job of responding in the best way.

    Encourage birth dad to tell him about the sister, and tell him you will do it if he doesn't. If he doesn't find until he is grown, he may feel he has been lied to.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 2:36 AM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • You did a great job Mom. And you told the truth. Yes this man was 26, but he was not mature enough to handle two babies. Obviously he was not mature. He was an adult dating a child and got a child pregnant. He was an adult dating a child and another woman and got them both pregnant. This man was not capable of parenting in the way your son needed a parent. You are being truthful when you say to your son his father could not be his parent at that time.  While this is hurtful to your son....you can tell him the truth.  No need to phrase that he chose another baby over him.  But you can say he really could only do one thing at a time and he was not able to parent you at that time.  I find it isn't about choosing the baby at all but moms and kids see it that way.  It is about choosing which woman or situation is more appealing.  It is not against you.  This man may have realized he could not control

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:10 AM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • you like he thought, manipulate you like he thought, or an entire list of good atributes about you that he could not handle. So he went with the person he found he could walk all over. You answered the best way you could and did a great job.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:14 AM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • mathewscandi, I think you did very well in answering. When he ask, tell ONLY the truths as you KNOW it to be, nothing more and definately nothing less. I am perplexed a bit, as to 'why' he cannot know about a sister? Whyis she being hidden like a dirty little secret? Your son deserves to know he has a sibling, after all it isn't like he will "feel abandoned" by his First Dad! Your sons , IMHO, needs to here truth, and YOU may be the only one willing /able to give it, in a HONEST way. He needs to know YOU did not lie to him as well, and that having a sister is NOTHING to be secretive about. At 9, he is old enough to grasp the gereralities of this, and when/if he ask more questions....answer what you know...age according, and explain to First Dad he has every right to know he has a sister out there, plain and simple...simple is best! Truth is a MUST, especially from Mommy! JMHO, Blessings,CJ
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 12:48 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • I think you did great. I would give him more credit though. Nine year olds know more than we think. I remember when I was nine, and my family has issues. My parents can't believe when I tell them my memories. I don't know how often your sons dad is around, but I would tell him if he doesn't know about his other sibling when he is in highschool. My dad and his best friends were half brothers, but didn't know it until they were 18. I think it would only be fair to know.
    elenalee

    Answer by elenalee at 3:18 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • So you didn't adopt him you just had a child as a single mom? I'm not bashing. I am just trying to figure out why it's in the adoption category. No, don't tell him about the sister. That's too much for a young boy to process.


    I had my son when I was 18, his father took off at the sight on the pos pregnancy test. When I was 20 and my son was 2, I met my husband, when we were together for a year and a half he adopted my son. BF doesn't try to communicate but, will see my son if my son requests it.

    matthewscandi

    Comment by matthewscandi (original poster) at 4:21 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • As far as I know his BF does care for him, he just doesn't know how to treat the situation. We live a few states away from them so, there really isn't any contact because my son doesn't really like talking to him on the phone. He just doesn't like talking on the phone at all to anyone. I am hoping since the children are getting older that after we go visit them the boys might be able to start their own friendship/relationship and be able to write each other letter.
    matthewscandi

    Comment by matthewscandi (original poster) at 4:30 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

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