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2 Bumps

Would this be a deal breaker in your marriage?

I have tried a lot of the birth control methods out there. Lets see, I have tried the condoms, vaginal ring, mirena, depo shot. My hubby wont use condoms those for long periods. I got pregnant on the vaginal ring. Mirena made me gain 20 pounds and made my depression and anxiety worse. The depo shot made me gain so much weight also. I stopped. I also tried spermicides. I got pregnant on that also. I have 4 kids right now. We cannot afford another. Hubby and I discussed it. Had to go in for termination. I am just so depressed about everything. Right now, we just talked about our options for bc and I suggested he got a vasectomy, since most of what we have tried so far hasnt worked out. He said he would absolutely not have a vasectomy as that is against his beliefs. But an abortion is? I feel so sad about it all. He absolutely doesnt care about my feelings and needs. I have decided not to have sex with him until he gets one. He has tried to have sex with me (with a condom) and I didnt give in. I just cannot take any more chances. Condoms are not 100%.

I am also thinking about leaving him. If we cannot see eye to eye on this issue, then we cannot be together. Am I overreacting. I just cannot see myself having another abortion,I just cannot. He doesnt seem to understand that it is not completely up to me to keep trying and trying all these BC methods that have failed us many times. If he is so done with kids like he says he is, then what is the problem? WHy cant he have a vasectomy. He is 31 by the way. He mentioned that I could tie my tubes. I felt very sad when he said that. He would rather have me have an irreversible and invasive surgery than having a simple non-invasive AND 100% reversible procedure. I think he is selfish and I cannot stand to be around him right now. I am very depressed about everything. I want to leave him. Am I overreacting? And if so, What would you guys do?

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:11 PM on Dec. 12, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (17)
  • No, I don't think you are overreacting. Short of having a non-sexual relationship, you've got to do what you've got to do. I would just say NO MORE SEX unless he has one. It's not that big of a deal. I've seen my ex and a boyfriend both get one.

    Answer by m-avi at 5:14 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • I don't think you are over reacting, I would feel the same way, selfish men suck!

    Answer by older at 5:14 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • hugsDiscuss with him what his fears are. Make an appointment with a Urologist to have him explain it to him


    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 5:15 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • take him for a dr. consult. He maybe doesn't understand that him getting snip snipped is a VERY simple procedure back to work the same day usually..... I think there's kinds now w/ no stitches even

    where as your surgery would require a hospital stay, stitches or staples and him leaving work til u were healed and could care for the kids/house again

    Answer by hibbingmom at 5:15 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • I think leaving him is a bit rash. He has a right to opt out of a vesectomy, it's his body & there are still options. What about the permenent birth control? My friend has 5 kids, her DH also refused the vasectomy. So, she got the essure. She absolutely loves it. Here is a link to their site.

    Also, i know 2 men who had horrible experiences with their vasectomy & both were in severe pain for almost a year. There certainly can be problems with a vasectomy.


    Answer by samurai_chica at 5:18 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • as far as the dealbreaker part...... just from the teeny bit I know about him, I'd have left long ago. He seems selfish and awful. He paid someone to kill your baby but can't have a very simple medical procedure to keep it from happening again? He seems very self serving...... and also a vasectomy is often time reversible and tube tying rarely is. Suppose you leave him someday and meet your REAL prince charming. You'd be sterile. He seems controlling and uncaring. I'd have PERSONALLY left the minute he said get an abortion. U already have anxiety and depression issues, why would he think an abortion on your conscience would be at all acceptable? pig pig pig.

    Answer by hibbingmom at 5:19 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • i do think your feelings are valid though...

    Answer by samurai_chica at 5:20 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • you're not over-reacting at all...i think it's incredibly selfish of him not to consider a vasectomy but expect abortion ! If It were me and I were still in love with him, I'd just go get a tubal ligation myself but if there were other issues, yeah, i'd likely leave...he's not willing to meet you half way on this at's not just your's his too!

    Answer by FXmomTo3 at 5:22 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • I don't think you are overreacting at all. That is so selfish if him to think that way. What exactly are his "beliefs"? It is a much more invasive surgery for a woman to have her tubes tied than for a man to. If he honestly will not have it done for you, I would be reevaluating my marriage. Good luck!

    Answer by Kelli1012 at 5:25 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

  • Against his beliefs my arse. Maybe he is scared or afraid it will make his voice higher is more like it. IF it was me and I did not want anymore children I would go get my tubes tied. Its your body. Or tell him that if you get preg. again you will not abort and he will just have to get two jobs.

    Answer by mistynights234 at 5:42 PM on Dec. 12, 2010

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