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how do you deal with you husband treating your daughter his stepdaughter diffently than his son my stepson.

it just seem like to me that there is different rules for the kids. When i try talking to him we both just explode anybody have any advice?

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Asked by 14donnamiller at 10:13 AM on Dec. 13, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 2 (10 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I would write things down that his son is allowed to do & things your DD is not allowed to do, or vice verse & also write down anything that might fit in this categoray of treating them differently. Write it all down & then show it to him & ask him if its fare.


    Answer by samurai_chica at 10:16 AM on Dec. 13, 2010

  • I have the same issues with my dh. My dd has adhd and takes a liitle more time with her than my sons. He tends to let them get away with more than her. I just try to point out things I notice when they happen. I tried to keep notes and bring it up later. Men can be like kids sometimes and act like they don't know what you are talikng about. So I do it right then. He has gotten better, but there is still room for improvement. Good luck!!!!

    Answer by arenad at 10:19 AM on Dec. 13, 2010

  • i will give it a shot i am willing to do anything at this point. i have tried talking to him so many times about this and nothing ever seems to work all we do is argue.

    Comment by 14donnamiller (original poster) at 10:20 AM on Dec. 13, 2010

  • I agree with the pp - but, before I did that, I think I would step back and look at a couple of other things first.

    1) Are they the same age? Because, obviously, a 10 yr old boy is going to have more freedom (later bedtime, etc), than a 5 yr old girl - that sort of thing. Even a yr or so can make a difference (though, the less age gap, the less difference there should be - but, again, a 16 yr old can drive, a 15 yr old can't....).

    2) Is it because of the step / bio child situation, or is your dh one of those guys that's just sexist, and think that boys should have more freedom, less chores, etc, than girls? You can sort of tell this, based on what he does around the house, what his attitude towards you is...

    3) Do they both, for the most part, behave the same way (like, they both get good grades, stay out of trouble, do their chores, etc) - or does one "act up" more than the other?



    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:22 AM on Dec. 13, 2010

  • cont

    Once you've looked at those things, and made what you think are fair adjustments for it (like - if they were both biologically your children, how would you handle privileges and punishments...). Once you have that in mind, then make 2 lists - one, how things are now (showing specific examples of them if you can - not just "he always gets away with back talking"...). Then, make a second list of how you think would be more fair. When you're both calm and neither kid is in trouble, show him your lists and talk to him about it. Also be willing to let him have some time to look at them, and come up with his own lists, and see if you can compromise.

    good luck!

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:25 AM on Dec. 13, 2010

  • I think you've gotten some great advice here. My husband pretty much treated all three of the boys equally....allowing for the fact that each of the boys had their own personalities and couldn't be treated exactly the same way, he was definitely fair. The oldest is mine from a previous marriage, and I never felt that he was unfair to my son....I don't think my son ever did either. He always felt he picked out his own dad.

    Also, make sure you don't let the kids see that you guys are in disagreement about this, or they will use it. Take a parenting class together, or if it's serious enough, family counseling. Good luck.

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:28 AM on Dec. 13, 2010

  • i understand what you are saying and you nailed it my daughter is five and his son is 10. the problem is for example last night my daughter was trying to ask me question while eating at the dinner table i was in the dinning room folding a load of clothes she was trying to ask me a question and he just keep yelling at her to eat. everytime i would try to figure at what she was asking he would yell. he thinks she should be quite while eating dinner. which to me seem a little crazy but when his son is over he talks and does whatever. am i crazy for feeling like that is unfair.

    Comment by 14donnamiller (original poster) at 10:29 AM on Dec. 13, 2010

  • thank you for all your advice i hate talking to my mom about this because i don't want her to think bad of my husband.

    Comment by 14donnamiller (original poster) at 10:32 AM on Dec. 13, 2010

  • No - that sounds unfair. I think I would work on family dinner rules and some basic boundaries. Such as 1) (and this is NOT meant as a bash - we all are guilty of not doing this sometimes) - but try to eat dinner as a family. She's going to be less likely to want to play, etc, if you are all sitting there, all eating together. 2) Everyone at the table is welcome to share stuff from their day, ask questions, etc. during dinner. If she starts to act up, is playing around / chattering away and not eating, you can say something like - I would love to hear about ___ - but first, you need to take 2 bites (or 3...)" I wouldn't say "finish eating first" though.

    Then, I would establish a rule - for meals and all the time - that neither one of you ever tries to stop the children - bio or step - from talking to the other parent. That is NOT right.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 10:34 AM on Dec. 13, 2010

  • I dont know if its necesarrily a My son/your daughter thing, I honestly thing its based on the sex of the child. My Full brothers Always got different treatment from my sister and I. my brothers are both younger and they never had the same rules, they never had the same chores. It was always unfair..

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:38 AM on Dec. 13, 2010

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