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i was told to "dumb down" as a wife? how do I deal with this situation?

my husband and i had a heated conversation about things that dont get done. a lil history: i am a SAHM and my husband works. I am the type that likes to pay bills and make sure the things of the family are taking care of. I do the maintence on the cars, pay the bills, make financial decisions, take out the trash when its overflowing, etc. I dont like to do those things. I would rather my husband do it but when I ask him to do stuff he never does it. We have been in many situations that I had to bail us out of because of his immaturity. He truly feels like he should just work and sleep. when hes not sleeping he plays the game or watch sport center. When i ask him why he doesnt do certain things like keep up with the cars his responce is "im not fast like you", or "I just dont think about those things". He can verbally tell me what a husband is supposed to do but when it comes to hime actually doing it, he has no clue. I have started to resent him because I dont feel like I have a man. he gets depressed when he see his friends being real men and husbands but had the nerve to say it doesnt motivate him to do bedda it just makes him feel bad about himself. Im really starting not to understand him and Ive been lost faith and trust in him. Anyway, tonight he told me to not do anything but cook and clean and he is gonna take care of the rest. This means I cant remind him to do anything, pay anything, or fix anything. if it doesnt have anything to do with cooking and cleaning I am not to do it. I feel like i just signed my life over and Im risking the wellbeing of my family. At heart hes a good man and he treats me right, but when it boils down to it hes just sorry. How do i deal with the new "compromise" without loosing my mind. the story is obviously alot deeper and more complex that I could write but this is the main issue. please no rude comments and please dont tell me that I should just be thankful that he works...theres more to being a husband than just working.

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:41 AM on Dec. 14, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • I am in the same place and after working for ten years I am about to leave. I would sit down and tell him what you want maybe some counseling and move on from there.

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 12:45 AM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • Girl that's entirely your call, but I wouldn't "dumb down" for anyone. You sound like an intelligent, hard working woman. I know it's hard to deal with guys sometimes, but you really can't make them do anything they don't want to do. However, I don't think you are going to be satisfied by sitting back and seeing how it goes... My opinion... keep doing what you are doing, but stop doing stuff for him. Let him take care of his own stuff and then maybe he'll start to see how it works.

    Answer by m-avi at 12:45 AM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • I'm wondering if he isn't clinically depressed. The things he does and says reminds me a great deal of my oldest son. His depression was literally stopping him from participating in his family life. After he agreed to see the Dr and take meds as a trial it was really amazing the change in about a month. Is there a possibility this is an underlying issue for your husband?

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 12:47 AM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • family carBreak up the routine, do a stay cation, all the mess will be there when you get back, unless you clean before you go.  I like cleaning up before leaving, that way I don't have the worry of picking up what I put off.  Plus, stay cations don't cost as much as a big vacation.  I don't know your situation, but I hope that I have been of some help.


    Answer by sexyfancyface at 1:59 AM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • my hubby is like that too. he works, but I do literally EVERYTHING else. I left it all to him for 5 weeks and nothing got done. He's started doing better with playing with and taking care of our child, but it's because he no longer has an xbox.

    Answer by FluffyMamaBunny at 3:20 AM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • I would let him try he is making an effort at least and that is more then what some men do.

    Answer by LiLJeni at 12:47 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • Let him TRY. But when the bills are unpaid... pay them yourself! You don't want your power shut off because he couldn't be bothered to do it, you know?

    How does he do with checklists? How about automating regular monthly payments so it's all done online? Quite a few of my bills are on auto-pay now to simplify things.

    If you don't have a way of checking up that he's DONE the things he's supposed to, then don't just trust he's done them.

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:38 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • I would tell him that if he really wants that, he can try, and you wont say anything, but you can have a whiteboard on the fridge that you can write littl reminders about what "might be due in 2 days" like bills. Just write it down, give him the benefit of the doubt, and in 2 months ask to see the bank statements, bills, and cars. If he has been good, let him keep going, and check periodically. But if he isnt, take over again.

    Answer by Mme.Langley at 4:17 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • I would let him try and just keep a mental eye on things. If the water bill is due on say the 19th just watch and see if he pays it. If he doesnt just tell him in just enough time that he can still get down there to pay it.

    Answer by My_3_Babies at 7:06 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • I'd still keep an eye on things. GL :D

    Answer by fairygurl91787 at 1:53 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

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