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Husband and Son got into it.... I loose?

DH had asked my son to be home to help with installing a new furnace.(Professional, who's a friend, was installing but just in case they needed help) Son asked what time. Dad says noonish.... Son was home but had made plans for that evening. Son kept asking "how much longer?" & "What time do you think I'll be done?". By 3:30 son was getting tired of waiting and when dad said it would now be 5:30 or so DS got cranky made it clear that he had people waiting on him and stomped off to the family room. Dad blew up.... Screamed at him to "Just F*cken leave, I don't need your help.." Granted DH was totally stressed out, and son was acting like an inpatient 5 year old, but son would have stayed had he not been cussed at. So son left.... They are both so stubborn and won't see the others point of view. However, I feel like I'm the only one who's paying here. I lost my son... He hasn't been home since Saturday. I've talked to him on the phone a couple times but he's still angry even towards me. I'm trying to give him some space. It's rare for him to stay mad this long. Hubby called and told him that "He's welcome to come home" but until they see that they were both wrong I'm not sure I want him home. Hubby will start with "I'm sorry" then go straight into but..... "I do this, that and whatever for you and only asked this one thing of you". It will become a soap box preaching instead of an appology.

Anyone that has experience with this I'd appreciate advise. I don't want to force him to come home... but I want peace.

PS: The furnace was finished by 7:00. I never saw anything that my son could have
helped with, let alone, actually be needed for..... (Not an excuse for bad behavior..... just an observation.)

 
knappkin

Asked by knappkin at 12:56 PM on Dec. 14, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 13 (1,026 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • How rude of your husband. if he would have been asked to help a friend around noonish and had had evening plans he would have een upset if his friend had been inconsiderate and not started the work on time. Your son had NO obligation to stick around, he had plans and he let your husband know this. He wasn't acting like a spoiled child, he was acting like a man with plans who was upset with an inconsiderate person. Just because he's his son doesn't mean your husband gets to treat him poorly. We have 4 adult sons and I know that my husband treats them the same way he would any friend when it comes to asking for help with something, he doesn't assume they are available just because they are his sons.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:18 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • Stand back and let them work it out. Your son was acting like a preschooler, your husband blew up ... neither of them was right. Let them work it out.
    aliceinalgonac

    Answer by aliceinalgonac at 12:58 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • You lose? Well, everyone loses when things like this happen in a family. And no, you haven't "lost your son". Don't be overly dramatic.

    I agree with PP, let them work it out. You've got nothing to gain by putting yourself in the middle of their argument. I totally understand your husband's frustration, but your husband has already demonstrated "being the bigger man" by calling the kid and telling him he can come home. Let the kid figure it out - what he got was a response to his childish behavior. He chose that behavior and he needs to deal with the fall-out.
    missingruth

    Answer by missingruth at 1:04 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • How old is your son? He sounded very impatient and immature. I understand he made plans but at the same time, does he help out in the house with money, chores, etc? Young adults today have become very entitled and rarely see the big picture. I am not blaming him, but he could have acted a little bit more patient. I am sure he enjoys having heat on a cold day! We had a situation with our boys regarding some home renovations. One of the boys was always asking if they were done so he could go out! lol. That is why I asked how old he is. Secondly, your husband just sounded stressed to the max. No wonder, it's the holidays. I feel the pressure too. Everyone does. I think you should arrange for your son to come over and have dinner and hubby and your son and you can talk. Try to mend fences before the holidays. Good luck.
    twinkletoes0408

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 2:27 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • I have no intentions of getting into the middle of this. My son is 18. No question, DS definately was acted like a preschooler. However, instead of explaining that he just didn't know how long it would be, DH just kept pushing the time back or, worse yet, ignoring him all together. Then DH blew up..... Had he cussed at me that I would have left. My son's reaction has always been to leave a bad situation rather than say or do something to exaggerate the problem. So he left. BTW -We had no heat - it was litterally freezing in there.... Michigan in December. My DD stayed gone all day.

    I wish DH telling him he was "welcome" to come home was an olive branch. (only trying to please me.)

    To me, cussing is a far more childish and unacceptable behavior. He's the one who has taught my son to expect an answer to a question, to have a plan, and even to over-react when stressed out. And, yes, DS does help out around the house.
    knappkin

    Comment by knappkin (original poster) at 3:44 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • Like I had said in my last post, I think emotions were running high on both of their ends. Well if they work it out, they work it out. I would just hate to see your holiday disrupted. Good luck.
    twinkletoes0408

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 5:55 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • some time men forget to be fathers ,if had said hey son how would you do it and if he didn't swear and treat like crap he might stayed and help but if you kicking the dog how long does take for dog to bite ,your son was hurt by hubby and his father ,they both need to cool down then they need to talk not yell or scream or cuss each other out ,some times fear plays into this to know that their son will leave home and not come back scary the shit out of them,he needs to remember how his dad treated him when he was that age and how did he feel and if he didn't like it why would he do that to his son ,in time his son will do it to his son and so on and mom you can talk better with your hubby then your son ,we woman are peace makers,if i did not talk to my hubby my 17yr would not be home today
    dutchcanadain

    Answer by dutchcanadain at 10:56 PM on Dec. 14, 2010