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18yo Sson deliberately disrespectful

I am new, so this was the 1st place I could find to ask my ? I will do this as short as possible, however give all info. My BF and live together w/ our 1yo D and BF's bio son who is 18. We got along at 1st, then SS had a drinking bindge on night where I had to go get him at 3:00 a.m. (BF had no licsence-alcohol runs in fam) there were "rules" set that SS only followed for 2 wks. He runs ammuck and his dad does nothing, no consequences, no rules. He does NO housework, barely puts his dirty dishes in the dish washer, etc. This kid has never once acknowledged my BD- nor has he been made to- it is now that my BD has NO brother-period and my BF agrees. However, SS continues to kick my D toys, throw her shoes on the floor and the like and is never told to knock it off. My BF works nights leaves at 2 and gets home at 1 a.m. so it's me the parent at home after school. My BF has given SS MY hairdryer bc his broke, my spare bed bc he was in a twin- I have no say what does or does not happen- this kid again suffers no consequences and will say NO when asked/told to do something.
I have tried to not talk to SS unless it is something that pertains to my BD, (she is 1) such as watch her head w/ the fridge please, close the door so she doesn't fall down the stairs, etc.
I try very hard to not acknowlege him at all unless it's a must.
His friends come over when I am not here and write "Hoe" on my Ho Ho Ho sign I made for my BD, they erase my white board, spread crumbs on area rugs and SS refuses to vaccum. I could go on, but hopefully I have made my point.
I know this is definitlely dads issue bc he lets this kid run (never home on wknds nor does Dad know where he is nor does he try to find out) he just comes home Sun night to go to bed. Dad will just clean up after him or clean the porch off after SS friends write in my daughters side walk chalk all over the porch!
I am almost to the walking point- letting the SS win per sey.. I do not want to take my BD from her Dad- I know he loves her so much and would hate to not have her w/ him, but the arguing between BF & SS is very intolerable at times and I know those arguements are not good for my BD.
I hope I have given the best low down I can and someone can give me some guidance. SS graduates in May from HS- told BF if he doesn't and isn't told to leave, I will w/ my BD!! Not sure I can make it through this winter in misery bc of a disrespectful punk kid.
P.S. SS bioMom stalked me and I pressed charges against her- SS was not told about this bc it didn't pertain to him, however BM told him and I am sure this has something to do w/ why he treats me w such outright disrespect. Help- please!!!

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Asked by losinitnks at 10:51 PM on Dec. 14, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (9 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Hitting your baby in the head with the fridge door is abuse. If he is dangerous with your infant, he needs to go.

    Kick him out. Change the locks.

    Here is what your priority list needs to look like:
    1. Infant daughter
    2. Everything else

    Now go tell your SO that this needs to be what his priority list looks like too. If he can't get on board, then walk.

    You know all this. I'm just telling you what you already know.

    Answer by ecodani at 11:06 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • Thanks! SS didn't deliberately hit her, he just doesn't acknowledge her nor look out for her when she is around. I had to tell him he needed to watch out for her bc she doesn't know any better.
    I would kick him out in the blink of an eye and BF keeps saying as soon as he graduates he is gone- I have my doubts!
    My BD is my #1 priority- if I was in a dangerous situation I would have left long ago!
    I agree- if BF can't get on board and get on the same page w me I will walk- SS will "win" but my life is worth happiness not misery bc of a child!
    Thanks again :)

    Comment by losinitnks (original poster) at 11:10 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • For me, this is a no-brainer, but of course, I'm not in your situation or have the connections you have. You say your SO loves your daughter--HOW COME HE'S NOT PROTECTING HER??? That is totally unacceptable! I'm assuming your SO had his license suspended for driving under the influence? I totally understand why you wouldn't want to take his daughter away, but I think that's a choice HE needs to make. You need to be clear: you have to do what you need to do to protect your little girl. If that means leaving your SO because he won't be a man and stand up to his son, than that is HIS loss, and he's an idiot.

    If I were you, I wouldn't wait to talk it out. I would find other living arrangements NOW, and let your SO know that you'll return when his son is out of the house. Good luck, mama! Do what you have to do!

    Answer by Adelicious at 11:51 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • Thanks Adelicious! You are so right, I need to get the courage up and just leave- SO will not MAKE his son respect just says its a lost cause by now bc he is to old to change. You are right, if he loved BD he would do something about it. Granted he is never home when SS is, but that is no excuse. Again, I could rant about this til the cows come home- in the end I have to do what is best for ME and my baby girl! Thanks again

    Comment by losinitnks (original poster) at 11:55 PM on Dec. 14, 2010

  • Sweetie, disrespect does not happen over night, a lot of parents allow it when they are young and after they reach adulthood, or close they demand it. It is earned and taught, now it will be harder to implement since years have gone by.  Just tell her friends how rude they are and how you expect them to act in your house, if they don't, just kick them out. As far as your daughter is concern, if she does not follow rules, take away privileges until she complies and don't ever give up.


    Answer by older at 8:33 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • While reading your post, I couldn't help but wonder "why" your SO refuses to give his son consequences or has MADE his son respect you and his little sister? Sometimes when we're in relationships that we want to work out, we tend to ignore the obvious and the obvious here is, your SO hasn't taught his son respect, therefore, this child will never respect you and no matter how much you complain about the child's actions towards you and your daughter, things will never change. What is also obvious, your SO is not a great parent at all. What parent would allow thier child to disrespect another person or tolerate thier child disrespecting someone that they love? All the clues are here as to what type of person your SO is and his child. Do you really want your daughter growing up seeing disrespect in her own house? Remember the same man that's raising the disrespectful son is the same man helping to raise your daughter.

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 11:42 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • You could lose your daughter for allowing him to treat her this way, it is abuse. Talk to your hubby and tell him he needs to get his GROWN SON under control or he is out and if he doesn't like it then he can go too

    Answer by JLS2388 at 2:46 PM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • why are you still there ? get you another place ,get your stuff and get the heck out of there. your daughter is your number one pritority if she gets hurt then whose to blame. the father gave up on his son a long time ago or hed already kicked him out. i know its hard but you need to do this . you cant be his friend. father doesnt care about your feelings. you need thave a heart to heart talk to him and explain your feelings. good luck

    Answer by stressedoutgran at 3:47 AM on Dec. 21, 2010

  • I don't care how much "inlove" I am with someone. If my child were in danger WE would be out of there. Get your own place and when your SO's son is out on his own THEN move in together.

    Answer by pnwmom at 2:52 AM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • Sorry but if it were me I would take my baby and move out, tell your boyfriend either things change or I don't come back! You need to think about your daughter first, she should not grow up in this kind of inviroment! Good Luck!

    Answer by Alta2008 at 8:32 PM on Dec. 26, 2010

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