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2 Bumps

would you leave your husband over his depression?

my husband is obviously depressed but hasnt been clinically diagnosed. His mood changes to where is just sad about life, nothing makes him happy. Hes lazy and doesnt do anything but work, sleep, and watch espn. People at work are worried about him because hes always in this woe is me mood. he doesnt do his work at work and the guys are always pissed because they have to pick up the slack. He always feel like people are attacking him. You cant say anything to him without him being offended and feeling sad about himself. Ive been dealing with this for years and its really starting to wear me out. Ive been talking for years trying to get him to seek help, and the only thing he says is he knows he may have a problem. It wears on our marriage and has even affected the way I view him. I feel like hes a ticking timebomb and I always worry if oneday hes gonna hurt himself or somebody else. I am 4 months pregnant and constantly stressed out over this. I have to deal with the doom and gloom attitude every other week. I was told to leave until he got some help because hes unstable. Im not sure what I should do, I just know this is driving me crazy.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:04 AM on Dec. 15, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Be honest with him about how you feel. Depression wears on the whole family, and sometimes, the person with the depression doesn't realize that (or they're too caught up in it to realize it). Tell him you feel like it's affecting your marriage, and you don't want to resent him, or get to the point where you want to leave. Have a sit down conversation, and tell him he NEEDS to get help in order to save this marriage (and his job, it sounds like). Depression is horrible. I've dealt with it off and on, and so has DH, so I can understand where both of you are coming from. I hope everything works out okay. Good luck!!
    musicpisces

    Answer by musicpisces at 12:09 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • Absolutely wouldn't leave my husband for anything. Talk to him openly and compassionately and get help.
    the_kimmers

    Answer by the_kimmers at 12:10 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • I left my husband and that is what finally got him to go seek help...he is on meds now and it has helped but still has bad days sometimes but it is more tolerable now. wish this was better advice i hope everything works out for you.
    firechickk

    Answer by firechickk at 12:12 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • If you are prego, I would heed the earlier advice you received and leave (if you have a place to go that is) until he receives help. That may put him in the state of mind to go through with it. You need to put your unborn baby and yourself in a safe situation. I am having the same struggles myself although my son is 2 years old. I'm not going to talk about it here but if you want, feel free to PM me!
    truthteller0722

    Answer by truthteller0722 at 12:12 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • we have always talked about it constantly...it never gets anywhere. I have threatened to leave etc and nothing has help. He will not go get help the most he does is admit he has a problem. its horrible to deal with because i already resent him and i already wanna call it quits because its like nothing makes him wanna change. he just wanna stay in the funk
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:13 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • I probably wouldn't leave him. Depression is an illness. Would you leave him if he had a physical disease? I would try harder to get him help. Stage an intervention. Tell him you will go with him to a counselor. Tell him it is destroying your happiness too. Maybe he needs meds.
    CarriePM

    Answer by CarriePM at 12:14 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • I would. If he is so depressed and knows that there is something wrong, but wont get help for himself, I would leave. Sounds as if you are at a point where you can't live with it any longer. Still, I would talk to him first and let him know I'm at a point where I am really ready to leave and the only way he can keep me around, is to get the mental help he needs. I would also offer to go to therapy with him, if it makes him more comforable. Hugs to you.
    CJM_SHM

    Answer by CJM_SHM at 12:16 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • I would. My husband is chronically depressed and when he isn't on meds he is a total bear. It got to the point about two years ago, that I didn't think it was fair to our children or me that he was so crabby and mean all the time. I told him to either seek help or move out. I love him with all of my heart, but my children's well being comes before anything else. He went to the doctor that week. I had been begging him to go for several months.
    He is no longer on medicine, but is actively working to keep his depression under control.

    I think that you can only do so much, then it is up to him. If he refuses to seek help, then you have every right to move on and make a better life for you and your baby.

    Good luck and huge hugs!
    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 12:16 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • If you've threatened to leave, but you haven't, then he sees it as an empty threat. I agree that leaving might be the best way to get him help, and keep your baby in a safe place. You don't want to deal with that AND a newborn (and other kids if you have them). It's hard enough dealing with one or the other. You have to do what's best for you and your child. Hopefully, it'll be the kick in the ass he needs to get help.
    musicpisces

    Answer by musicpisces at 12:17 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • He may have brain damage. It is often a cause. Has he experienced head injuries or repeated concussions in his life? It can make for some seriously erratic behaviour.... and it helps to know that the cause is a stressed and damaged brain rather than being 'lazy' or 'useless' which is likely how he feels. You can be assured that his fruitless and dull life has not escaped his notice.

    Get help, if you can afford it. If you can't, look for Good Samaritans or another organization that offers free or sliding-scale counseling.

    The most effective treatment for depression is exercise.

    Leaving will not make anyone better, nor (with his baby on the way) will it take him safely out of his life. Depression is a relatively healthy (healthier than having a rampage in McDonalds, say) way of handling incapacitating fury. It's likely his anger scares even him, and he doesn't know what to do about it.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:19 AM on Dec. 15, 2010

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