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Torn between MIL & step-MIL

When my husband and I started dating his mother was horrible to me.... she would say nasty things to me and even make me cry, it got so bad that I thought about leaving my perfect husband....

My husband told me that she use to be nice but then his dad cheated on her with his new wife ( when he was 14) ... and ever since then she has been like that...

At first my husband didnt really have a relationship with his dad but then after we had our first baby he started a relationship with him again and with his step mother... who is very nice and very sweet...

we have been together for 6 years... and after awhile ( around the time we got engaged) his mom started being kinder to me ... she still has a "hard shell" but I can tell how much she cares about me, my husband and our kids .... and I think it just hurt her so bad that she had to put up a wall.... she even comes over almost everyday to visit with me and the kids ( when hubby is at work) and I really enjoy her....

The problem is, with Christmas coming up they are both fighting for Christmas eve.... since my husband is both of their only kid, they both want us to spend christmas eve with them ( we go to my grandmas during the day and usually go to his moms for xmas eve night) ....

My husband thinks we should go his dads since this is the first year we can ( they just moved close they use to live about 4 hours away)... I think we should stop by for a bit but then go to his moms like we usually do because his mom will be alone ( her fiance has to work until midnight) ...... his step mom doesnt want to have dinner until 7... which means by the time we are done, our youngest will be so fussy and ready for bed... and they already have guests coming they cant change the time....

what would you do ?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 4:50 PM on Dec. 15, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Answers (11)
  • Stop by like you planned. Then go on to his mother's. Since they have guest coming they won't be alone like his mother will be. Good Luck!

    Answer by eluc at 5:02 PM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • I would not ditch his mom because the dad and step mom moved closer. You were going to her house before they moved closer. It is not fair to cheat her out of christmas eve. You can make some other tradition with his dad and step mom.

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 5:02 PM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • I would go to his dads house before dinner & then leave before they eat. Maybe you can spend the day at his dads & do lunch there & then have dinner with your MIL. Could that work? I know how it is with all the extended families, Chrismas is always a big mix up.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 5:03 PM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • see if you can do "lunch' with dad and step MIL and then go to MIL like normal. With parents remarrying they sometimes do have to learn to be flexible.
    Maybe you could do christmas night with dad and step MIL????

    Answer by justgrape723 at 5:11 PM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • we got to my grandmas during the afternoon - that is when we do "my sides" christmas and we have a big lunch and exchange gifts with everyone... after that we would beable to go his dads around 4:30 or 5 ( depending on traffic) ... and stay for about 45 mintues..or more if our youngest takes a nap in the car... then get to MIls by 7 ... we can visit and if they fall asleep it is ok because we can just take them to bed after that...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:17 PM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • I would go to moms's. Think about it this way, if they were still together, you wouldn't have to choose. They aren't together because he chose to have an affair and leave his wife. If he complains say that is what you get for leaving your family, you don't get the holidays as much.

    Answer by JLS2388 at 5:27 PM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • Go to mom's first, then dads.

    Answer by new_mom808 at 9:58 PM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • Honestly, I would do neither. Celebrate with your own family and protect your kids from the residue of the divorce.

    I am the GRANDCHILD of divorced grandparents. It was hell. My mom was always trying to appease the feuding old peole, and it was ridiculous. Enough is enough. If they can't get along, they don't get to see you. Just because you are adults, doesn't mean that their squabbling do not affect your or your children anymore.

    I wish my mother would have refused to participate in the decades-old fight... one that WE had nothing to do with.

    Answer by squish at 11:31 PM on Dec. 15, 2010

  • I would go the evening before Christmas eve, wake up and have breakfast or brunch and by noon....of to visit mom. This way we can have dinner and exchange gifts and spend the time together. Next year set clear boundaries. You can either do Christmas at your home and on the eve one comes to your home and the other one gets Christmas day. If both want the same day...too bad. You are only one family and can do so much. Since MIL would be ALONE - I say she gets it. But with the understanding that next year is not going to be her year. Or you can take a vacation at Christmas. This solves all family issues. Picture you and the kids on a cruise or by the warm beach. Or up in the mountains in a cabin. Either way some parent is upset. Do what you would like to do.

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:45 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • I was told by my nanny that you can get more flies with honey than with vinegar. I never forgot that. Don't try to figure her out just be you. Things often work out different than you expected.


    Answer by rosetoes at 5:29 AM on Dec. 18, 2010

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