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2 Bumps

Frustrating Teen

So last night my husband goes down stairs to stoke the fire for the night and checks on my girls. He said that my 13 year old was laughing and giggling. Than about 5 minutes later my 10 year old comes up and says that my 13 year old needs to talk to me. When I go to talk to her she is all sad and says things like: "I know I have a lot of good things in my life, but I think there are more bad things than good" and "I don't think I deserve the good things I have", and No one understands me because I freak out all the time."

O.K. so here is what I don't get, why was it 5 minutes ago when her dad was there she seemed to be happy and fine, and then when I go down there she is all depressed. This has been going on for quite a while. I took her to a doctor and he talked to her and said that he thought that it is just normal teenage growing up. My husband and I counseled with our Bishop and he has talked to our daughter, but we don't know if he has discovered anything yet.

How do I know if there is something wrong with her or if she is just playing me, because I am the mom?

Answer Question
 
badmoparmom

Asked by badmoparmom at 8:05 AM on Dec. 16, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 7 (181 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • I think she really probably is just a normal teen. Btw, I am also LDS. I was like that as a teen. My mom was more like you and it really made me resentful and eventually a bit rebellious. She constantly treated me like there was something wrong with me, like I HAD to be hiding something. She dragged me to counselors, to the bishop...over and over again. 15 years old is just a flat-out confusing, awkward, emotional time in a girl's life and you need to practice more compassion, rather than trying to discover what's "wrong" or having others try to discover what's "wrong" or you are going to alienate her and make things worse.
    misses_nick

    Answer by misses_nick at 9:31 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • misses_nick, How do you show compassion, when all she ever says is "Nobody is like me", and "Nobody will ever understand me". I have tried to give her all the advice I can and have used patience and tried to be understanding, but after I am done dishing out all the advice, I go to my room and cry wondering where I went wrong as a Mom.
    badmoparmom

    Comment by badmoparmom (original poster) at 9:49 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • She just had something on her mind she wanted to say, she will likely be fine. She will have ups and downs because of hormone changes. I think the pedi was right.
    KARRIEMARIE

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 10:40 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • My youngest is now 19, and in my experience, kids that age are very dramatic....it may be real for them, but they are very dramatic, and their emotions seem to swing radically. I don't know if it's hormones, or maturity, I'd guess a combination.

    I don't think it's you, it sounds like you are a caring mom who is doing her best. I can say that they seem to outgrow this stage, but it can be a very challenging, frustrating and hurtful stage while they are in the middle of it. I don't know that there is much that you can do that you aren't already doing. The good news is I think most of them do outgrow this stage........Good Luck Mamma, I understand your hurt and feelings of inadequacy, you aren't alone.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:51 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • Most 15-year-old girls feel like nobody is like them, that nobody understands them. Heck, I still feel that way and I'm 32 years old. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "I have tried to give her all the advice I can..." Stop trying to advise and JUST listen! Tell her that you are always going to love her and that you know how great she is, and leave it be unless she ASKS for advice. Try to remain neutral and non-judgemental and she will come to you when she's ready. Don't make it harder for her to come to you and easier to go where it might be riskier by being overbearing.
    misses_nick

    Answer by misses_nick at 12:31 PM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • Also, be sure to point out the specific gifts, talents, values, traits she has that are wonderful! She needs to know, very specifically, what she has going for her. Sometimes it's difficult to see past the challenging aspects, for you and for her too.

    I have a daughter with autism. Some of her traits are maddening, frustrating. Sometimes I want to lock her in a closet and yank out all my hair. ;o) But when I slow down and effort to see the good in those maddening, frustrating traits I am able to see that, with the right nurturing, those traits could turn into majorly positive personality assets one day. For instance, what might seem stubborn now could become tenacity later. What appears to be perhaps narcissistic now could really be developed into a healthy self-confidence. The key in all these things is not an effort to change my daughter! I have to find a way to change the way I nurture and steer her, so she can shine!
    misses_nick

    Answer by misses_nick at 12:37 PM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • She is playing you because you are the mom and you probably comfort her more than her dad does. Encourage her to journal. If she's laughing she is probably fine and is just testing her boundaries! I mean -- she IS 13. I would say, "oh well I'm sorry you feel that way honey. We do deserve what we have because we work hard, but why don't you write it down and explain why you feel that way and I will read it later. Oh, I gotta go finish putting away laundry." Chances are she won't even write anything because she just wanted some attention from you at that moment. If she does write something down then maybe it will help you & your DH to understand her thought process.
    CayShek

    Answer by CayShek at 2:03 PM on Dec. 19, 2010

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