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Anyone have any suggestions?

I need some advice on what to do. Anyone who has read my other answers knows that my one daughter's Bmom chooses not to be involved in her life at the moment. I at least know what she looks like and that my daughter looks just like her. I also saw a picture of her Bfather, so I know what he looks like, so I have things to tell her when she's older. But my other daughter was a foster child that came to us when she was 6 days old and I have never met nor seen any of her Bfamily.

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Asked by LizClara at 3:24 AM on Nov. 8, 2008 in Adoption

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  • Continued....
    Her Bmom was a cocaine addict and alcoholic, and slept with many men, so we have NO idea who her Bfather is. What kinds of positive things could I tell her about her Bfamily when she asks about them? I was talking to my mom about this tonight and she said to tell her that her Bmom loved her and tried to get her back, but just couldn't overcome her struggles. I feel bad when I say this but, that is such a lie! She didn't love her (or at least it doesn't appeat that way) or she would have done more to try and get her back. I have NOTHING positive to say about her Bmom and I feel like crap for saying that, but it's the truth. I wish I could say the same things to her that I can say to my other daughter, but I can't. Does anyone have any suggestions on what some possible things to say would be????

    Answer by LizClara at 3:25 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • I would tell her that you don't know much about her bmom. It might make her think that she is no good cuz her mom isn't. Plus those thoughts might haunt her. Perhaps when she's older you can tell her the whole truth....

    Answer by MarlyeGirl at 3:42 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • Say that you didn't have the pleasure of meeting her BM. it is the truth now and all that she really needs. You can listen to her speculate on who or what BM is. Play into her fantasy now. If she gets older and wants more, give her more. When she is a teenager or an adult, you can tell her everything as she asks.

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 4:08 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • I think what your mom said is appropriate. Almost anything deeply enjoyable can turn into an addiction....gambling, eating, shopping, sex...ect.
    addictive drugs are basically painkillers and their effects become the solution to the discomfort that she feels somewhere in her life. Does that mean she had no love for her child? I feel telling your daughter what your mom said wouldn't be an out and out lie. I agree with marlyegirl too- telling your daughter negatives about her mother can reflect on her......the bad seed thing. jmho.

    Answer by adopteeme at 6:11 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • Copy and paste this link. Scroll down to the last article. It's entitled "Talking with your child about Adoption and Foster Care Issues" . The author is considered one of the countries leading therapists in adoption issues. Her email is at the bottom of the article if you have questions. She's really nice and will answer you.

    Answer by onethentwins at 10:29 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • frogdawg....I used to be a drug/alcohol counselor and that is one of my HUGE worries with her. She's only two, so drugs and alcohol are obviously not an issue at the moment LOL! But, when I think about it, I worry that she will become addicted to those things like her Bmom. She was born with cocaine in her system, but thankfully the side effects were minimal and she is a heatlhy happy little girl (she's had DT, OT, PT, ST, and now behavior therapy for anger management to control it before it gets out of hand). I would NEVER bad mouth her Bmom to her!! I don't ever want her to think that her Bmom is a bad person no matter what MY feelings are about the situation. I know how drugs and alcohol can effect a person, and that she probably does love my daughter the best way she knows how.

    Answer by LizClara at 1:01 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • I love my daughter and am thankful everyday that she is now part of our family, I will just never understand how her Bmom could just let her go without trying to get her back. I will have to tread lightly when it's time for us to explain to her about her Bmom, and choose my words carefully. As she gets older I will have to explain some of the negative things her Bmom has done so that she knows how drugs/alcohol could potentially effect her. I know the time is getting closer for us to explain to them about adoption and how they came to be our family, I just pray that I don't mess it up.

    Answer by LizClara at 1:01 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • frogdawg...thank you! It's hard to take myself out of the position of trying to protect my daughter and look at it from her Bmom's view. You are right, she probably would like to be clean and sober and have her kids in her life (my daughter is her 8th child and she doesn't have custody of any of them). When I look at it from a mommy perspective I can't imagine anything being more important in my life than my girls! But, when I look at it from a counselor perspective, I have to take all things into consideration. I don't do that anymore (gave up my CADC when we adopted our first daughter-ahhh the sacrafices we must make LOL!-so I could be a SAHM), but I did it in a prison setting, and I remember many clients talking about how there kids were in foster care and they were trying to do what was right so they could get them back.

    Answer by LizClara at 3:33 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • You give great advice, and I'm sure you will be a great drug/alcohol counselor. As long as you remember that they are still not thinking clearly for many months, if not years, after getting clean. It's hard to get them to realize the mistakes they have made and WHY they were doing the drugs/alcohol. It's depressing and frustrating to hear that a client is back out using again, but it happens more times than not. Just remember that you are there to help that ONE person, and if that's all you help in a day, week, month, year...that's an accomplishment in itself! They have to want the can't help them if they don't help themselves. That's what I find so frustrating with my daughter's Bmom...she had all the help she could need and still didn't take it.

    Answer by LizClara at 3:33 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

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