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SS thinks his BM is a bad person

So my SS just recently decided he is just like his BM. He HATES this idea because he doesn't want to be anything like her. He is realizing that she is more willing to spend money on her luxuries than his neccessities. He said that she was a spoiled, selfish brat that never thought of anyone but herself and he hated himself for being like her. What do I do from here?


Asked by Anonymous at 3:48 AM on Nov. 8, 2008 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • How old is your SS? Young children aren't too wise about human nature and may not understand why some people act the way they do. I suggest just telling him that his BM is a person just like ALL of the rest of us and she has her faults and has made mistakes just as all the rest of us have...try and help him UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT instead of hate.

    So far as him being like his mother, once again remind him that we as humans will make bad choices and make mistakes in life...that DOES NOT make us bad people. Every person makes their OWN choices in life and just because he feels that he is "turning into" his BM doesn't mean that he will make the same mistakes and choices that she did. Inform him that he can actually LEARN from his BM's mistakes instead of follow in her shadow.


    Answer by AvasMommy810 at 5:07 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • No 5 to 8 year old would have those STRONG feelings about his own mother unless he had help...have you been calling his BM names and badmouthing her in front of him? If that is the case, I suggest that you STOP IMMEDIATELY. As the PP stated, it's not YOUR place to chastise and condemn others no matter how many mistakes they have made...especially not in front of their own young children.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:11 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • to the person right above me, grow up and stop ASSuming things. to the OP, kids are smart and can see whats in front of him. all kids can. just explain to him that his BM loves him and that's all he needs to worry about at his age. maybe you spending more time with him can bring up his self-esteem, because i have a feeling that's what this is all about, self-esteem.


    Answer by sammygrrlplus1 at 11:38 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • We try as much as possible to play up the "good" things she does and play down the "bad" things she does. His biggest concern here recently is that she forgot to pick him up from school last week. He said he was upset about it and she said it was your stupid dad's fault, he didn't tell me I needed to pick you up. She gets him at the same time same day, once a week, everyweek, per court order. When SS asked why she was there all the other times if she didn't know she had to be there, she said "I just wasn't. Let it go."

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:20 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • Things like that are a regular basis sort of thing. When he was 5, there was a corn maze here and the host asked if he was 6 because that was the age limit. When he said, no he was 5, she said, no honey, you are 6. He went to tell her that he was only 5 and she yelled at him for lying. This was the event as SHE explained it to us. She said that she was mad at him for not going along with it. He was really upset because he got in trouble for telling the truth and asked why she could lie when he got in trouble for it at home.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:20 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • Then again here recently he came home crying and she was crying when she dropped him off. She had fallen out in the gravel driveway of her house and couldn't get up. She screamed and screamed that she needed help, but no one could help her. Well, he went to go try to help her up and she pulled him down to the ground in the process. She told him that she knew he couldn't help her, he couldn't do anything right, and why did he even try? We have talked to our attorney and because it is much harder to prove emotional abuse, he says that odds are, we have no ground to modify the custody order. If he had physical evidence of abuse we could get a mediator for custody, or get her custody taken period, but we have nothing but a child's word. We are so stuck!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:25 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • I think I would remind him that not being perfect does not make someone a 'bad person' He may be getting caught between two sets of values, especially if her parenting style is a bit more street smart than the style he experiences with you and your s/o. My boys have been in on being a few months older or younger when need be for events where they were on the edge.

    I think I would be very clear that when you are with mom, she does things differently than when you are with us, and that's ok. I think I would have asked him, do you think your mother was trying to do a bad thing when she said you were old enough for the maze? Why might she have done this? Understanding that she was actually trying to advocate for him, might help him understand.

    If you live in a household with a lot of absolute rules, then any time someone else is not living the same way can be very confusing to a kid.

    Answer by Kestrel1 at 2:42 PM on Nov. 8, 2008