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Please give your advice/opinion.

I have cut off any relationships with most of my immediate family members. I found them to be very unhealthy and did not want my daughter to know that sort of life. This includes my mother, and I am finding it difficult to remember why I we don't speak around the holidays. It becomes more difficult when my 6 yr old daughter tells me she misses grandma.
I grew up in a very abusive and drug filled home .. that should explain some of my reasoning.
Do I tell my daughter that we don't talk to grandma anymore?? I say she is to far away. I am worried I am not handling this right???

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:28 AM on Dec. 16, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Well, if you don't remember WHY you aren't speaking to someone...maybe it's time to let it go.

    I can totally understand not wanting to be around abusive people and those who do drugs. Especially not wanting your daughter around them!!

    She is 6 so she understands the difference between good and bad and good choices and bad choices. Just tell her w/out going into details that she (gramma)makes bad choices. That she (your daughter) and her safety are your #1 priority. And when grandma makes better choices then she can see her. Put it on the grandma. Keep it short and simple but honest.
    cheekycherub

    Answer by cheekycherub at 11:33 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • If you say she is too far away now then what will you tell her when she realizes that probably wasn't the truth and you live relatively close to one another? I would tell her that you both can't visit right now and just leave it at that.
    sweetpea1217

    Answer by sweetpea1217 at 11:37 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • My mom told us about my grandmother rest her soul she hated my mother and the couple times we saw she did nothing but bash my mom so when we got older we understood because my mom told us the truth in ways we could understand at our age.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 11:38 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • I don't have contact with my mother's side of my family. But, I remain in contact with my mother even though it's not always pleasant for me. She treats my children and my husband very well, and I can't deny them their grandmother because she wasn't (still isn't) a good mother to me. That being said, I think you're handling it fine with your daughter. When my kids ask about my mother's mother, I tell them that we don't get along and leave it at that. (My son is 13, the last time he saw her he was 2.)
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 11:38 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • Take responsibility for your choices.

    "I can't be around grandma. When she's around, I make poor choices and feel bad all the time. Maybe that will change as I grow up, but right now it's too stressful even to consider."

    or, if it's appropriate to the situation:

    "I refuse to spend time in the company of people engaged in illegal activity, and will not stand near people who are harming themselves. Grandma buys and uses illegal drugs and I will not be arrested for being in the house with those things, or for allowing them in my home."

    You're getting caught up in the Hallmark Card/Kodak Moment holiday twaddle. 'Mother' might mean something sweet, supportive and mature on greeting cards, but having successfully bred doesn't make people into upstanding, moral or even sane humans if they weren't already. You will not get a Kodak Moment Christmas out of Celebrity Rehab people.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 11:40 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • I would try to tell her something that explains to her that you and Grandma have some problems to work thru, but that it has nothing to do with your daughter. I think you are doing the right thing in that you don't need your child to worry about grown up problems, but at the same time if she doesn't have some answers she might begin to think it is her fault, or that her Grandma doesn't care about her, etc, instead of knowing that Grandma stays away because you need her to right now. She doesn't need a detailed history, but letting her know that the problems are between you and Grandma and having nothing to do with your daughter might prevent her from blaming herself. Good luck.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 11:48 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • I think that if your family is still into doing that kind of stuff then you have to right to not want your child around that. If my family was doing that then I wouldn't let my son around them. I guess the best way to explain it to your daughter is to tell her that Grandma has things going on and you don't think its right to be there right now. She's only six so you don't want her to know too much about whats going on. And maybe your family will change after finally seeing that they aren't going to get to see her. But you should really be firm on whatever you decide if not your family might take it as weakness and never take what you say serious. Hope this helps but its just my opinion.
    mary_whtsn

    Answer by mary_whtsn at 11:59 AM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • You want what's best for your daughter and only you know the answer. Everyone has a story and it's easy for people on here to judge you but I think you are doing a great job as a mother for removing your daughter from the situation (it must be bad).
    KellsB2Boys

    Answer by KellsB2Boys at 12:54 PM on Dec. 16, 2010

  • Oh wow! Thank you all so much for all your advice. I really appreciate it. Lindaclement, you are right on with the hallmark card theory! I'll admit it, yes sometimes I do fantasize about the hallmark card mom and think I should give her 1 more (of her many many) chance.

    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:32 PM on Dec. 16, 2010

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