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How do you choose between what you want and what your kids say they want?

I'm in a realtionship with a wonderful divorced man with a 8 year old daughter of his own to raise.I have 2 daughters also, 15 & 12.We are very much in love,the kids like us both & get along with each other great.We are all in aggreement to move in together at his home.The divorce is 16 months old.my and his x are both most of the time, very destructive co-parents,they break most of the rules that all us divorced parents should live by.My question is, is there anything we should do or anything we should watch out for as we start to make our new family and our new life.Is it possible to start a new life & all of us to be happy in one home with the interferance from the other bitter parents.Also is there anyone who has tried or done this on this site with any success.It is a big step to move our lives and all our stuff,I would just like to know if we are doomed from the start.Thank you in advance & I wish all of you the best !

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Annie9396

Asked by Annie9396 at 9:02 AM on Nov. 8, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (5)
  • You are only doomed if you and your new family want that. I would suggest to make things stay good...is to...keep to what your family you have right now it's stability and togetherness. As you both are now step parents to other children....there shouldn't ever be between you or new man any division about how to raise the kids..he shouldn't tell you nor you should tell him that you both can't parent or make decisions about their kid. That you all sit down and talk and make it known that nothing the other two outside parents do will affect your family now. If your all happy then make it a pact that you all stay that way. Let the kids love their other parent, but if you have trouble with the kid becaue of the other parents...put your foot down about it and make it stick...be consistant....I'm sure you all will live a happy life.
    stayhomemom22

    Answer by stayhomemom22 at 9:15 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • IMO the most important thing would be to maintain an open line of communication with the girls. Make sure they feel like they are being heard and you care about there opinion and also that they feel comfortable talking to you if there's a problem.
    sbastille

    Answer by sbastille at 11:14 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • Set boundaries for the other parents involved and stick to them. If you tell them they can call at 7pm on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, for example, DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE when they call at other times.

    Make sure all non-emergency contact is via email (both for the quiet and for the documentation trail).

    Make sure the rules are the same for all children of the household and that you're both ok with the other parent disciplining your kid. No stepparent should be made to sit there and take crap off of a kid because mommy's (or daddy's) afraid of hurting their pwecious widdle baby's feewings!

    Join the stepparenting groups here at Cafemom. They have a TON of information and helpful tips from ladies who've been there and done that.

    You can happily blend families, but begin as you mean to go on.
    Avarah

    Answer by Avarah at 11:32 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • Oh, and I should have added this: Remember that your children will grow up and move away. They will form relationships with others and hopefully those relationships will be happy and healthy. MODEL healthy relationships for them. Children's needs come first, of course, but though many people will tell you that "children come first!" the marriages that stay together are the ones who put their marriage's needs before their children's wants.
    Avarah

    Answer by Avarah at 11:37 AM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • My husband and I have 2 kids each from prior marriages. We've been together 5 years, all 4 kids live w/us 95% of the time. Our family just works...and has pretty easily. I give alot of credit to the 4 kids. He and I also agreed if it didn't work with the kids, we'd have to go our seperate ways, but the kids were never told they had that much power...LOL. The kids were 5, 6, 7 and 9 when we got together. Our exes are idiot parents...so we sometimes argue about their stupidity and the BS, but it's more than possible, it's truly wonderful if all those living together are good with the notion. I know you hear horror stories -- but we are living proof it works and can work very very well! Best of luck!
    tomsbride

    Answer by tomsbride at 7:45 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

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