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4 Bumps

Family Issues

my boyfriend has always been the peacemaker. He's the type who'll say just ignore a problem and it will go away. I never liked his approach to things but I've always been the type to let people make their own decisions., including the one with letting his mom move in with him. At the time I didnt know the entire situation but in the end it turned out his parents were getting a divorce his father knew he wanted a house so he told my bf he'd give him the down payment to help him get a house. Unfortunately his mom and his youngest brother came with the price of the house and shortly after him buying it moved in with him. His brother was a known troublemaker and began to show it once he was settled in at the house, he began smoking and selling drugs and bringing people to the house at all hours of the night. And his mother was another case, she put up a fuss for the master bedroom and moved all her antiques and furniture into the house forcing him and all his things into a small room in the corner of the house. She began dictating to him when he could have company, not to change the temperature, when the house wasnt clean enough, and questioned him about where he was going. (he's 25) Before long I noticed him slowly moving his things into my apartment. He was forking out $1100 a month for his mortgage but had keys and closet space in 2 bedroom apartment. I love my bf and love his spirit to always want everyone around him to be happy but he himself has become very depressed. I've been his shoulder and always guided him through his problems but I feel like he's using me as a scapegoat to not have to deal with them. Ignoring siuations like this will not make it better. Is there anything I can do to help him I feel bad for him he seems like hes at wits end with this situation.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:14 AM on Dec. 17, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • Sounds like his father just passed his own problems (wife, difficult son) on to your bf. There's not really anything you can do about it except encourage him to grow a backbone, tell his mother that she needs to get her own place or start paying him rent for living in his house.
    ceallaigh

    Answer by ceallaigh at 9:23 AM on Dec. 17, 2010

  • Yea I've just been trying yo encourage him to stop being manipulated and ran over by them but he sees that as long as he has me to run to he doesnt have to deal with them, I dont agree with this being his way to deal.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:27 AM on Dec. 17, 2010

  • You need to be there for him, but try to get him to see how bad the situation really is. Just let him know that you are always there. Hopefully he will realize what is really going on. Make him see that he cannot make anyone happy if he is not happy. Good luck!
    christy_lvr

    Answer by christy_lvr at 9:58 AM on Dec. 17, 2010

  • good luckMy dh's mother used to treat him like a child all the time. It took years of me talking to him about it for him to stand up for himself. I just asked every now and then .. why does she do that to you? does that bother you? I'd try to pull his feelings out of him not inject my feelings into him.

    bseastrand

    Answer by bseastrand at 10:00 AM on Dec. 17, 2010

  • Dear i truly feel for you in this situation and I agree with ceallaigh. Your bf's father just passed the problem on and your guy needs to stand up for himself and take control. His house , his rules. Yes that is his mother but he is not responsible for taking car of her if she is not ill. As far as his brother...Point out to him that in most states the owner of the property where illegal activity is being conducted is held responsible if the authorities raid that property. He can face hefty fines that will be more costly then the mortgage, have that property taken away and worse , face jail time himself. He needs to demand the respect he deserves. He can do that without being rude or disrespectful to his mother but he needs to do it and do it now. He needs to inform his mother that she needs to pay rent because if she was out there on her own she would have no other choice and feeding and caring for three people is (continued)
    Cheveyo1

    Answer by Cheveyo1 at 10:13 AM on Dec. 17, 2010

  • not fair to him at such a young age. She lived her live and she needs to allow him to live his. He can run and avoid the physical situation but not the legal one. Good luck
    Cheveyo1

    Answer by Cheveyo1 at 10:15 AM on Dec. 17, 2010

  • WoW - what happens to the rest of the expenses?  Is your b/f responsible for all of them and the mortgage?  As far as his brother goes, your b/f has some options that are VERY pliable - have him evicted or arrested (yes this seems harsh, but remind your b/f it is not as harsh as it will be when he gets busted) as the home owner he is going to be charged as well ! This is a major mistake for your b/f.  I think once he takes care of the brother, his mother can then be dealt with, as well! Good Luck!

    gambilldl

    Answer by gambilldl at 10:30 AM on Dec. 17, 2010

  • I think the brother has to go....yesterday. He needs to have a tough love lesson and throw that one out on his own. His mother needs to be told that she is a freeloader. He needs to approach his mother and take back his house...or have her cough up the mortgage every month. If that can't be done then he should sell the house and take the money to start with another.

    spottedpony

    Answer by spottedpony at 1:34 AM on Dec. 18, 2010

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