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8 Bumps

Starting to feel kind of jealous of my hubby.

I love him very much... I don't know if these feelings are valid.

We're hurting for money. Like... hard. We can afford the very bare minimum of things we need. Like, we're putting off buying the kids some things until we see what they get for Christmas. We're spending $20 per kid for Christmas, I need things that we can't get, like pants (I have one pair of jeans and they're falling apart, need some nursing pajamas so I can keep the heat lower at night and not freeze, potholders, a saucepan, etc). I have to be SOO careful with the grocery budget. We don't have a crib because my daughter just broke it, so THANKFULLY we co-sleep, but now I have nowhere for the baby to sleep if I did want to put him in his own bed. It's no fun.

We have cable and internet service. I can't complain too much about the TV because the early cancelation fee is something we can't afford, but there is no fee for canceling the internet.

I get a lot of enjoyment out of the internet too, don't get me wrong. I would miss it. But I'd rather spend the money on clothing, or something else we need. My husband treats it like a necessity because he plays online games... htat's his way of winding down.

But if I wanted to spend $66 a month (which is what we pay for his subscription fee for the game and the internet combined) on something that we didn't NEED right now he would say it was wrong, no matter how much we both enjoyed it.

I'm really starting to resent that he gets this luxury when we are depending on his mom's gifts of winter clothes for the kids and I have one pair of pants that are coming apart. He needs work clothes himself, but he goes without too.

I don't want to take this from him. I love him and I know how much he loves the game. I know it helps him unwind at the end of a day, and he works really hard. But it takes time away from the family and we really can't afford it without sacrificing something we really shouldn't be doing without.

Are these feelings valid? If they are, how do I GENTLY bring them up with him? I have tried suggesting canceling the internet before and he just flat out said no, and I can tell if I press the issue he will get defensive and angry. He will realize that his family is going without for something he doesn't really need and feeling guilty will make him defensive and then we'll get nowhere.

To be fair, I can't THINK of anything I spend money arbitrarily on, but I'm sure I do. Treats I guess... once in a while I buy junk food. Maybe $10 a month.

I don't know. I don't want to feel angry or jealous for invalid reasons.


Asked by Anonymous at 12:50 PM on Dec. 18, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • Do you work? Can someone you know, such as a family member take care of the child while you work? How about trying to do some type of work from home on the computer? I don't know that I'd really say cancel anything, but what I would do instead is try to increase the money that is being brought into the home. I do believe in working. You can call around to your local churches and things.. some of the older ladies are more than willing to babysit without cost for a while until you can get things going again. It's tough.. I know, I've been there, but you simply have got to think of ways to get more money coming into the household. If he can possibly take on a side job, or one of you try to work the opposite shift... those are all possibilities.

    Answer by m-avi at 1:01 PM on Dec. 18, 2010

  • I wouldn't feel jealous, I would fell downright pissed.
    You don't have the money to put clothes on your body nor do you have the money to give your kids Christmas but he has money to spend on things that aren't really necessary.

    His feelings be damned. I would cancel it without discussing it with him. If he cannot grow up and see that the internet is something that you DONT'T need but clothes and a crib are things that you do need, then he needs a good slap in the head!

    Answer by Jademom07 at 12:58 PM on Dec. 18, 2010

  • You are not sure if your feelings are inalid? Your family is struggling to pay bills and provide food and clothes for your family but HE has a VERY BIG luxery? Sounds fair to me that you want to get new jeans. What size do you wear? I can send you my old jeans (still in really good shape I just gained weight and do not fit in them anymore) (you can email me) Why cany he buy 1 game that will last him a long time? I bought my husband Dragon Age last year and there is so much you can do with it he is still playing. I bought it went it 1st came out for $60. That is less than your husband spends in 1 month. You write like you're educated and very fair with him regularly, so I cannot see why he wont find a cheaper or free way of "winding down."

    Answer by ABusyBee at 1:05 PM on Dec. 18, 2010

  • I think you should call and cancel the game and internet. Skip the argument and just do it. Not only do I think that, but I have done it with my husband's satellite. Several years ago we really had to crunch our budget and that was the one thing he wasn't able to let go of because there was one show he didn't want to miss. Not acceptable, I don't care how defensive he gets. If your husband has a huge problem with you doing this, knowing it needs to be done because you have actual needs, you have a bigger problem you need to deal with. Like immaturity and possible game addiction.

    Answer by Jessica157 at 1:04 PM on Dec. 18, 2010

  • I agree with m-avi also. Saving that $66 a month is a step in the right direction but isn't going to solve all of your problems. Even if you have to take a part time job opposite shift of your hubby or something on one or two of his days off. Find a way to bring more in. :) Good luck to you!

    Answer by Jessica157 at 1:05 PM on Dec. 18, 2010

  • This doesn't sound like jealousy, it sounds more like resentment, and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do - you have very valid reasons for doing so. Maybe sitting down & discussing the budget on paper w/DH will help him to realize that changes need to be made? Have another list handy that shows the things you needs & what they'll cost approximately. Ask DH to help you figure out where the money is going to come from to pay for these things. You are not directly asking DH to give up his internet, but letting him see for himself that ya'll are at your financial limit & he can make his own conclusions (hopefully the right ones!). In the meantime, can you go to a foodbank to supplement your groceries? For the other items you need, there is Goodwill & St. Vincent DePaul or local churches. Some churches, at least here, give donated clothing out for free.

    Answer by mom2aspclboy at 1:09 PM on Dec. 18, 2010

  • M-avi, I don't work right now, but I'm applying for jobs. I've put ads up on Craigslist for babysitting, I just applied for two other jobs outside the home and got a breast pump from WIC so I can start saving milk because I expect to be working within a month. I don't have any family or church contacts who could watch the kids, and his schedule is REALLY variable, so I'm hoping that I can find a babysitter for the times when I will have to work while he is working... crossing my fingers because I don't have one right now, but I have to try to work, you know?

    Jessica, I do think that he is addicted to the game. But if he IS addicted then it's a mild form of addiction. I mean... he played the whole week he was home for the birth of our son, but the next week (he was also off, but my mom had left) he didn't play. He gave up one of his "game nights" (he used to have 3, now he has 2) when I asked.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:10 PM on Dec. 18, 2010

  • I've learned they need to unwind at the end of the day. My SO way to unwind is to go hunting yeah we couldn't really afford the hunting license (especially since they keep raising the price) or bullets ad what else he needed.But if he didn't unwind that way his other way is to meet his friends for drinks. He knows that has hurt his family (the drinking) because of legal situtations. So I would rather him go hunting then come home and play and hang out. I know everyones not going to agree with me my riends don't even agree.But you know what "all work and no play makes (insert hubby name) a dull boy".

    can u maybe look for children to babysit? the little extra money would help you. You could go to a thrify store and buy some used clothing for cheap.Also call ur churches they might have a clothing closet or know where you could get a crib.

    Answer by preciouschild at 1:15 PM on Dec. 18, 2010

  • Busy, right now I'm a size 18 tall, still have some baby weight to lose lol... the regular sizes are too short by a lot lol. Thank you for the offer :) The pants I have now are falling apart because I bought them at Goodwill about 2 months ago lol. I know I can get clothes there, but they're not that much cheaper than new ones from Walmart and they're falling apart, so I don't know if it's really worth it, you know? I've bought the kids clothes there before and they hold up okay because kids outgrow them before they wear them out at this age... but my daughter needs skinny pants because she's tall but thin and boys clothes are hard to come by here for some reason :(

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:16 PM on Dec. 18, 2010

  • you need to have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. i would feel the same way if i were you. he might love this game but he could find free games online to play atleast until you can afford it.

    Answer by mommy2be0611 at 1:16 PM on Dec. 18, 2010