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How do I make my fiancee feel better about my daughters real dad being in her life?

I am engaged to an INCERDIBLE guy, who loves my daughter & I more than anything. If we had the option- he wants to adopt my daughter. He is a great role model, and considers her HIS. Her real father has just recently started working again after "not being able to find a job" for 2&1/2 years, will not pay child support, just an all around slacker. But he is still her father, so i HAVE to let him see her. Even though the only reason he wants to have her is to get her away from me.( i ramble when it comes to him! sorry!) My fiancee just has issues with letting her go with her father because of how he has treated me, and knows he's not keeping her in a stable environment when he does have her. She comes back and is plain MEAN to my fiancee- and we both know it's because of what her father is saying to her. ANY ADVICE at all?? for either of us??

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:13 PM on Nov. 8, 2008 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • How old is your daughter and do you talk bad about her father in her presence at all?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:16 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • if it would be my daughter, i would not let her go to him anymore ... until he stops the shit talking about your new spouse
    m.robertson811

    Answer by m.robertson811 at 8:18 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • she is 3. I will answer questions she has about her father, but i never talk bad about him (other than venting when she's not around!) to her. We dont try to get her to cal my fiancee daddy or anything like that though! She has occasionally called him daddy, and we just kind of let it go- didnt want to make a big deal about it...

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:21 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • If you don't feel its a stable environment, why do you let her go? And he "wont" pay child support? He has to, or he can be put in jail! In my state, anyway. File for support and make him pay! Your fiance has every right to be upset. It doesn't seem like he deserves that kind of treatment. He's only looking out for your daughter.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:35 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • Talk to an attorney. You need to find out what your legal guidelines are. (In my state, if the non custodial parent has visitation, you cannot stop them. If you do, YOU are charged with interference. You may need to get the courts to change visitation. Do it legally, though.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:32 PM on Nov. 8, 2008

  • I am a stepmom and I tell you what it's just plain HARD! I love my stepson as much as I love my own boys but one thing I have figured out is that no matter what, that child already has a mom and a dad. I can love him to death, he is still not mine. Your fiancee needs to be there for her when she is home and support her relationship with her dad just the same. She will have more respect for him later when she figures out what kind of bum her real dad is. Get everything in the court system, and be as specific as possible on visitation. Don't be that mom! Your daughter deserves to love her daddy as much as she loves you and your fiancee. Maybe he is trying to get his act together, court system will be ready for both of you then. Lay it all out.
    MamaRoberts

    Answer by MamaRoberts at 12:22 AM on Nov. 9, 2008

  • I have been in my stepson's life since he was 9 months old and I can tell you that I would make him mine in a heartbeat. Your fiancee will have ups and down forever, and not because daddy is talking badly. Different houses have different rules and different consequences, and 3 years old is pretty funky age anyway, consider her normal. I have three boys, and my ss can say VERY mean things...there is no instant gratification in the blended family game. Your Fiancee's pay off is clear at the end of the road, he just needs to stick around to see it.
    MamaRoberts

    Answer by MamaRoberts at 12:25 AM on Nov. 9, 2008

  • My sons father was terrible at visitation, constantly missing to go fishing/hunting getting po'd at my son for even saying my now husbands name and we were together from the time my son was 11 months old. Over time my ds saw on his own what a selfish jerk his bio was and now at 15yrs old even himself calls him his sperm donor or ex father. You just have to be patient, I know it is the hardest thing, but in time she will see herself who really cares about her. As for the way she treats your fiancee when she gets home just remind her that we don't treat people like that and it hurts his feelings. Write down EVERYTHING from bio being 5 minutes late to anything bad that happens while she is with him so if you try to get visitation taken away you have it all straight with dates and all. BTW it took forever, but at 13 my DH adopted my DS and they both were so proud and we all were less stressed with bio out of the picture.
    goaliemom93

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 10:20 AM on Nov. 9, 2008

  • oh and as far as the dad thing, my son did that on his own too, and don't let people tell you it confuses the child, he from preschool on said to teachers and others "I have a daddy that lives with me and a father that I visit" he had it his way in his head and learned to explain it so that people were not confused when he said things like my father is mean but daddy is nice.
    goaliemom93

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 10:23 AM on Nov. 9, 2008

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