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4 Bumps

Any advice....but no bashing please...

I am a step mom to a 5 year old. I love him to death.....like one of my own, but I have very frustrating moments with him. His mother doesn't give 2 shits about him, she is a shitbag and poor excuse for a mother...and that is being nice about it....My 2 1/2 year old and half deaf 18 month old are better behaved and can do more things than he can. My 2 year old is fully potty trained....and my stepson is ALWAYS peeing in his pants....when we ask him why its "i was too busy" or "i didnt FEEL like going"....he never listens to things when we ask him to do them and even both of my kids will listen to simple instructions when told(we use a bit of sign language with my youngest)...I am just at a loss for what to do anymore, I know why it happens.....he gets away with EVERYTHING at home which is why he has this concept of I can do it anywhere....and whenever we do something that he doesn't "approve of" he starts whining about how he wants to go home to mommy and that he hates us because we have too many "rules". Bed time is the biggest issue....he has none at home, and both him and my 2 year old go to bed between 9 and 9:30 here. I just need some advice on how to approach this....I dont want him hating us, but I dont want him walking all over us either....we have already had the conversation with her MANY times....but she doesn't really care much

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:07 AM on Dec. 19, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (10)
  • Continue as you are and be consistent and firm in your rules. As far as bathroom, you may want to do the method of taking him every half hour. At this age you can explain to him that since he didn't want to bother on his own, or since he didn't feel that he had to go, then you are helping him get in the habit. If you find this doesn't work, then maybe he needs a trip to a doctor to see if there is some physical reason.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 9:11 AM on Dec. 19, 2010

  • That is a tough situation. I don't know from experience but a very good friend of mine is going through the same thing. The poor kid has been raised a certain way for FIVE years..and it's going to take some time for your new rules and expectations to sink in for him. When he is at your house, just stick to your guns and let him know what is acceptable and what isn't at your house. It definitely isn't going to happen over night but if you continue to be consistent it will all work out in time.
    Ctink8189

    Answer by Ctink8189 at 9:12 AM on Dec. 19, 2010

  • I was in a situation like this. We went for custody of the kids and got it.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 9:12 AM on Dec. 19, 2010

  • First- hugs, I'm a step mom too, read, Wednesday Martin's Step Monster- Wonderful book that is written for step mothers, not about the step children. Hang in there, it is difficult with a birth mom like that, (we have one too) I really don't have any good advice that isn't discouraging so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.... Hang in there, practice deep breathing and just take it one day at a time.
    lovemylilman06

    Answer by lovemylilman06 at 9:14 AM on Dec. 19, 2010

  • Counseling  now . Do not wait. Do not let your husband talk you out of it. I have a 12 yr old stepdaughter who is the real ruler of our lives and household .  My husband will not discipline her and I am not allowed to ...Guess what..It can be horrible. She still throws tantrums 3-5 times a week like a 2 year old. It can ruin your marriage and your other childrens lives.Run do not walk to a counselor.

    notjustmom213

    Answer by notjustmom213 at 9:15 AM on Dec. 19, 2010

  • When he is in your home, you need to require him to follow your rules and expectations. Yes, it's hard, but that is what will teach him. It's clear that he's not going to be taught at his other home. You need to hold that child to a higher standard. You can't control what goes on in his other home, but you are responsible for what goes on in your own.

    My children are both adopted, they came from a situation of severe neglect. It took a lot of time to teach them - and to unteach what they'd learned in that environment. Remember, it doesn't matter if he "likes" you - and it's ok to tell him that. What matters is that you're doing what's needed, what's in his best interest, and helping him develop good skills that will last a lifetime.
    justnancyb

    Answer by justnancyb at 9:20 AM on Dec. 19, 2010

  • I agree with previous posters, stay firm in your rules. Your house, your rules. However, your husband needs to be the one to take the bull by the horns and do the big disciplining, and also dealing with the mother.
    amybaby_19

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 9:34 AM on Dec. 19, 2010

  • I agree with Bmat. Take him to the bathroom often as long as you need to. Be consistent with your rules and do it with a lot of love. Bedtime is when you say it is. Take him back to the bed over and over until he stays there. Do not get angry and don't talk once you go through the usual bedtime routine. Stay calm and persistent. Get your husband on board with everything or else it will never work and the child will play you against each other. hug
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 10:09 AM on Dec. 19, 2010

  • Id put him in a pull up if he wants to pee himself often. Does mom keep him in pull ups?
    Maybe you can give a small reward for not wetting himself? Kind of like "Make a deal"??
    Sandyr911

    Answer by Sandyr911 at 10:40 AM on Dec. 19, 2010

  • Tough situation..bumping for you.
    -AJ

    Answer by -AJ at 2:05 AM on Dec. 20, 2010

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