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2 Bumps

How do you become a good step-mom?

I guess I have been a mom twice in my life. Awhile back I fostered and was trying to adopt a family member's child. My mothering nature kicked in right away. I guess reguardless of whose child it is, when you look at that baby and know that he/she is depending on you, and they really don't care if your the one that gave birth to them or not, you look at it in the same light. Long story short, 2 years into fostering him and going through the motions of adoption, his mother got her act together, kind of, and he went back to her. Now, I know it was for the best for him, but, at the same time I am not going to lie and say it was the easiest thing I have ever done. It was hard, and its a memory I have yet to let go of.

Now, its been quite some time, and in this time frame I have met the "man of my dreams." We get along flawlessly, and I plan on spending the rest of my life with him. He has a daughter from his previous relationship, and in the time I have been getting to know him, I have gotten to know her. At the begining of the relationship I knew that the relationship between Him and His Ex was troubled to put it nicely. To make a long story short, she cheated, left, they went to court , he has primary, and she sees her every other weekend.

Within the time I have known him, the mother has pretty much been a after thought. She lived 2 hours away, I personally never had to deal with seeing her, and the child never really asked for her. Once again, like in my first parenting trip, my mothering nature kicked in. I became close with her right away, she became the sunshine of my life. I spoiled her, loved on her, watched movies with her, played with her, and well, couldn't get enough of being around her. Then, it happened. I met her mom, and in meeting her mom, I reliezed that everything I was being told about her was true. She mouthed off to my boyfriend every chance she got, she popped off at me a couple of times, and once everyone was around her, she played nice. It was at the moment, I started to dislike her. Afterwards everything went the same as it had before, til about maybe a month or so ago.

She got kicked out of the place she was staying and moved in with her sister, in town. Nothing has been the same since. Dance and Gymnastics were my favorite time of the week, now, I hate going because she is always there. What makes it worst is, his mom, who I get along with well, is the one picking her up. His mom usually goes to the classes and such, it was kind of a bonding thing I felt. Now, I feel like I am just out of place. I also feel like I have to cater to her. This woman that has given the person I love with all my heart all this pain and hurt, and I have to play nice, I have to be the bigger person.

I know us all getting along is better for the child. So, I have. I have passed and re-passed with her. I mostly keep quite though. I am aware that I have to deal with The ex, and I am doing ok with that. But, with all of this going on, I feel like the relationship that has suffered the most is the one between the child and me, and between his mother and I. I feel like I have been shorter with the child. I don't feel like I am getting her 200% like before. Its worse when she cries for her mom when we have to drop her off. His mother and I, because I guess I blame her for not taking how I feel into it all. I know she is more or less doing it just to be nice to her. I also understand that the ex was with him for many years, and the mother had to have gotten close to her in that time. At the same time though, I'm going to be the new daugther in law soon, and I feel like she is more worried about making the ex happy then me. I feel abandoned.

I feel horrid for feeling this way, and for letting his affect me the way it has. Does any other step-mothers have any advise?


Asked by dustbunni at 2:35 AM on Dec. 21, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 7 (161 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Letting her act badly is teaching the child the mom's behavior is acceptable. I'd stand up to the woman. Not aggressively but assertively. Stand your ground. Set boundaries for the woman and expect her to adhere to them. That teaches the child good behaviors. if the mom acts up then she's making a fool of herself, not you.

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:40 AM on Dec. 21, 2010

  • I would let the kids know that you are always there for them if they need you...they will realize their mother is a bit off in time and they will come to you so long as you continue to act respond to kindness

    Answer by ROFLMAO at 2:47 AM on Dec. 21, 2010

  • I'm not a stepmom and to be honest I didn't want to read all this but I do want to answer your question.. I dont think its about becoming a good Mom because, its really instilled in one who has that Natural Mothering in them. Giving the child all your love, talking to them and making sure they have an understanding is all the baby needs....


    Answer by Patientchild3 at 2:54 AM on Dec. 21, 2010

  • Advice - It's NOT going to get better. Think on this hard before saying, "I do."

    Yes, I am a SM.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:18 AM on Dec. 21, 2010

  • And I'm not saying it to be mean - just truthful. Know what you're getting yourself into!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:20 AM on Dec. 21, 2010

  • always be there

    Answer by san78 at 4:39 AM on Dec. 21, 2010

  • @ admckenzie
    I like this idea, I just need to figure out how to keep my temper down.

    The little boy I have no contact with. My cousin (His mother) ran off, and pretty much no one has hear from her since.

    Comment by dustbunni (original poster) at 2:50 AM on Dec. 21, 2010

  • @ Anonymos

    I have, from day one til now. I also know this is never going to be easy, and I also know due to the way his ex/her mother is that being her step mom is going to pretty much be acting like a good, strong, female role model. I knew getting into this, no matter what, I would never, ever be her mother. One time awhile back she told her cousin that I wasn't her mom, I was her's and thats better. I am unsure of alot of things, but the one thing I am completely sure of is, that I love her and her father with all my heart. I know that they want me around, and that in alot of ways, need me. I also know, without a doubt, that I could not live without them. We have been together a year, and I plan to wait alittle longer before tying the knot. Marriage is something I am not taking lightly at all. I just am just trying to...I guess...figure out how to be the best I can for them, because they deserve it.

    Comment by dustbunni (original poster) at 3:33 AM on Dec. 21, 2010