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How can I get my 16 year old to think differently about not hating me so much and listening instead of aruging all the time with me?

I live in another state, actualy four hours away from her, and she is closer to her father so I thought. This is one of the main problems I have been having for quite some time when I trited to disapline her, she would run to her father and he'd let her do whatever she wanted. This is one of the main reasons why I had left cause I was being treated like the child and our daughter was being treated like the adult from my husband. Things weren't going so good at all and now I can't even talk to my husband since he blocked my number from his cell phone but I can still get through to our daughter and am hoping that she is thinking about what's really going on here and at least I know she will realize what's really happening that her parents aren't getting back together since he filed for divorce and child support right after I had left not realizing that he would do this so soon. I was just hoping that things would cool off for awhile and thought that's what we needed was some time apart but I guess I thought wrong and he really didn't want me around!

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DianaMine

Asked by DianaMine at 9:36 AM on Dec. 22, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (2 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • You are the one that acted like a child and ran away. Why in the world would a mother move 4 hours away from her child willingly and then expect to be treated like a mother?!?!?! I hope that your husband does get full custody of her.

    JeremysMom

    Answer by JeremysMom at 9:42 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • You did act like a child by running away from the situation. You weren't getting your way, so you packed your bags and stomped off. Your daughter needed you to be the parent and put her in her place, as well as you needed to get your husband to back you up. Nobody is going to take you seriously if at the first sign of trouble you just up and walk away. Especially a 16 year old who was already getting what she wanted to begin with. You're asking to eat your cake and have it to. In other words, you're asking to run away from the issue yet the issue be resolved without you having to work through it. You're not going to get that from anyone, especially a 16 year old. She probably is very angry at you not only for not being the mother that she needed, but ontop of that running away. You're the parent and you allowed her to take that role. It wasn't your husband, it wasn't her, it was you. Take responsibility and own up to it!
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 10:00 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • (Continue) You need to sit down and really think about what you value in your life. Clearly it wasn't your husband or your daughter, otherwise you'd have stuck around to fight for it. She's sixteen, of course she's going to run to the parent who lets her have whatever she wants. However, you should've taken your husband aside and said "Look, I know that it's easy to give her everything, but she needs to learn bounderies and rules. Please back me up. We need to find common ground on raising her." It may not happen over night, but eventually you have to get him to understand that you're a TEAM. Instead you ran away and then expected everything to resolve itself. Wrong move. You're not acting like a parent, you're acting like a child. It's no wonder she's soo angry at you. He probably is too.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 10:03 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • JazzlikeMraz, I think you are being a little judgedamental. I agree that she should have never left her daughter, but how can you tell what DianaMine should have done. It sounds to me that she was overpowered by her daughter's father. If he was emotionally abusive to her, which more likely he was, she was not going to be able to change her husband's ways. I believe she could not find an effective way to confront the situation. When someone is involved in an abusive relationship (not necessarily physically abusive), the victim is confused and in most cases have poor judgement. What she did by leaving her home was a quick fix for her. Probably she thought that they would change the way they treated her by leaving them. Now she is paying the consequences. That happens when someone does not have a strong support system such as friends and relatives that could advise you better. In abusive relationships, the victim is isolated.
    kazucog

    Answer by kazucog at 7:02 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • These are my suggestions:
    .
    Do not interrupt, rather listen to what she says.
    Acknowledge her anger or whatever negative feeling she has toward you.
    Do not give up on her. She is just a teen and hasn't got much guidance from you nor from your husband.
    Tell her you love her and that you are sorry for the situation that you are all in.
    Wait for the right moment to explain whatever she thinks you did or are doing wrong. Do not minimize the problem or try to justify yourself.
    Take in account the idea she has about her father. Do not try to convince her otherwise. Time will tell and she will realize it by herself.
    Be consistent. Actions say more than words. If you love her you will stick with her no matter what.
    If she is verbally abusive to you, be firm and let her know that even though you love her you are not going to allow her disrespect you.
    kazucog

    Answer by kazucog at 7:34 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • She will come around ....I ran away from my 3 children and EX DH because of the emotional stress that was created by them and their father...they all live with me now...they all moved in with me after 6 months of living with their father who was very non-restrictive and a fly by the seat of your pants kind of man...they realized they needed structure and missed the rules and chores they were once so unhappy about...don't worry OP she will find her way...

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:38 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

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