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why do some men think that because they work they don't have to take care of the children or do ANYTHING around the house? VERY long.. sorry

i was so livid this morning, beyond livid. ears steaming to give you a better mental picture.

our oldest woke up early, like she does every morning. she wanted breakfast as soon as she woke up and at 6:30, before my coffee, im not ready for anything yet. so i told her wait a little while, til her sisters wake up (which is usually by 7) and ill make everyone breakfast.

7 rolls around, our youngest had a dirty diaper so in the middle of changing it DD asks for breakfast. i tell her either wait til im done with sister, or go ask daddy. daddy was laying in bed this whole time watching tv, wide awake. i see her walk back down the hallway sulking, asked her what daddy said and she said "he said no" so i tell her to go tell him mommy said please do it. again she said he said no. i get them breakfast myself, after cleaning up the baby, stomp into our room and say "you cant get off your ass to get them breakfast?" and he says "well yea i can but.." and that was that, he looked back at the tv.

maybe this one incident isnt' a huge deal. but it's the straw that broke the camels back in my eyes. he doesn't go to work til 10 every morning, giving him plenty of time to be with the kids and yet he stays in bed for hours first watching tv or playing video games. when he gets home it's not til 7:30 at night and then only gets to spend maybe an hour with them. i get that he wants his "downtime" after work so i don't bother him, but the kids don't care about his downtime and just want to be with daddy. and not to mention, my "job" as being a stay at home mom doesn't end when he walks in the door. i still have to bathe and put everyone to bed, and it's usually done by only me.

furthermore, he leaves his clothes all over the floor rather than putting them in the hamper. i do laundry almost everyday, and have stopped picking his shit up off the floor. then he gets mad that his jeans aren't washed. i've explained to him numerous times that if our 4 and 2 year old can walk their dirty clothes to their hampers, so can you (a 25 year old grown man). i didn't become his mother or his maid when i married him. and i sometimes feel like i took on the responsibility of a 4th child rather than a husband. also, he snacks at night and leaves his dirty bowls, plates, cups etc on the night table. they stay there for days, he refuses to walk them to the kitchen. his only chore around here is trash, and most of the time it will pile up to 4 bags before he "gets to it".

im just sick and tired of it. sometimes i feel like if all he wants to be good for is a paycheck, there's no point in being married. we should be a united front, working together with the kids and with eachother. we're coming up on 2 years of being married, and nothing has changed! all i ask is for a little help with OUR kids, and for him to atleast pick up after himself. i really dont think that's asking a lot. and i dont think because im a sahm im required to be his maid/mother. i appreciate his hard work, i really do. i tell him that everyday. i wish he'd appreciate me more as his wife and mother of his children.

ok.. i feel better now that i've gotten that off my chest. sorry for the super long vent. im at my wits end and i dont know what to do. i dont want to leave him, but i dont want to continue this way either. its ridiculous.

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 10:19 AM on Dec. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • (most, not all)
    MEN SUCK!
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 10:23 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • It depends on how intelligent and reasonable he is. If you explain this to an intelligent and reasonable man, he will understand and make a motion to give you the support you need. Or he could be a jerk and be selfish and not care. You know better the man that you married. You were together for how long before you married. What was it like?
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 10:26 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • You say it's okay for him to have "downtime" after work. When do you get your downtime? I would tell him to grow up and start pitching in. My husband gets up early with our 2 year old every day before work, changes and feeds him before he heads to work. When he comes home, after kissing me, he goes and entertains our 2 little ones while I finish up supper. Both of us have downtime after the kids are in bed!
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 10:33 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • Either you chose to marry a complete jerk, or you have yet to learn how to get what you need from him. Either way, first step is to ask yourself what you can do to change the situation. Trying to change him is a futile endeavor. The good news is that change can happen, but most women don't seem to know how to go about making it happen. A couple of good books that I highly recommend: FOR BETTER OR FOR BEST by Gary Smalley and THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman. Please note that both these books are written by men!! Very helpful and documented to make for success!!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:34 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • I don't see it as lazy,I see it as passive aggressive behavior.
    I had a boyfriend just like this,minus the kids. When i confronted him about it he told me that he wasn't about to do women's work and since he figured he worked harder,all the household stuff was my responsibility. We both worked full time.
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 10:35 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • HUGS!!!! Yes, I know what you are saying, mine can be like that as well and yes, it does piss me off as well. I do think you need to talk to him again and tell him how you feel, and how you need his help. He is a grown up, he should be responsible for picking up after himself and putting dirty dishes in the sink, clothes in the hamper. He should not leave that for you as you are not "mommy" or the maid. My hubs used to leave his clothes on the floor I refused to pick them up. (he knew hamper clothes got washed, floor piles did not) So when he ran out of clean he picked the pile up, took it down and washed it himself. As for stuff he leaves lying around, I get mad and then I get a grocery bag, put it all in there and then toss the bag on his computer desk for him to deal with!
    (continued)
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 10:36 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • continued---
    As for your kids, I would remind him that he helped create them, and he needs to step up and help take care of 'em and be a hands on dad. It is not asking too much that he get out of bed every morning and help out with getting the kids up and fed. I would remind him that you know he is tired after work, that is his 'downtime' and you respect that and he gets that time to rest while you do all of the night care, so it is not too much to ask that he get up in the morning and help with the kids!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 10:41 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • Is your man my man? I feel ya and I sincerely know it SUCKS. Even with talking to him about it it does NO good. But if I do something to irritate him he'll do things like this even more just to aggravate me. =(

    I wish I had an answer. I really do. I think it might be a bit easier to tolerate if I did.

    With that all I can say is... hugs

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:41 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • That is why I went back to work sitting here reading he does his own laundry only because he did not like the way I did it he makes meals because he does not like my cooking and the fact he does not have control over it the second I went back to work I also went back to school and it helped me put my foot down. Sit down and tell him he needs to help or ask and tell him what your expectations are and work from there. GL Momma ((((HUGS))))
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 10:42 AM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • im sorry sweetie your going threw this but you should talk to your husband & tell him how you feel be honest with him &says if you want things done then you need to help me more
    Ricanmami1

    Answer by Ricanmami1 at 12:33 PM on Dec. 22, 2010