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3 Bumps

Puzzled by 6 yr old DD's comment - any ideas?

DD was playing with two mermaid Barbies today, and she told me that they were sisters, and the one didn't like the other because "she was adopted". I tried to find out what she meant, and she said, "never mind". I always read to her before she goes to bed, and tonight she picked out a book about a little girl who came into her family through adoption (a gift from her birth mom). It's not too unusual for her to pick out a book with an adoption theme - she does occasionally. I tried to ask if someone at school had said something about kids who were adopted, and she said no. I asked if it was because she was still a little jealous since we adopted her little brother (she had us to herself for 4 years), and she said no. She said, "just keep reading, Mom", so I moved on to the next book. I told her that anytime she wants to talk, we can and that it's okay to talk about her feelings.

I'm still thinking it has to do with her little brother. She was old enough when he came home that she remembers it (he was 4 weeks old), and I think she thinks of him as "adopted" but doesn't necessarily think of herself that way (even though she has always known).

I am puzzled and concerned. I'm looking for insight from anyone in the adoption triad. Thanks in advance, and Merry Christmas/happy holidays!

Answer Question
 
Iamgr8teful

Asked by Iamgr8teful at 9:23 PM on Dec. 22, 2010 in Adoption

Level 25 (23,279 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I was adopted. I think you are doing great just keep the communication open, but do not push it or try to read into it. It is just part of what her family is and it is on her mind.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 9:27 PM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • Probably just on her mind for some reason. Its nothing I would read to much into
    My_3_Babies

    Answer by My_3_Babies at 9:34 PM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • I am adopted as well and I wish my parents were as loving to me as you are to yours! Keep telling her how much you love both your kids, keep the lines of communication open (no question is too dumb) and every once in a while you should let her know that there are mean people every where that don't know what they are talking about and also feel bad themselves so they say hurtful things. She's old enough to know that we should always try to treat people the way WE want to be treated. You are doing a great job mom!
    Babylove76

    Answer by Babylove76 at 9:37 PM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • It might be that she thinks her brother doesn't like her. Possibly?
    I think you're doing a great job about keeping the communication open. Letting her know you're there to talk and she can freely express her feelings is a great start. It could be that she doesn't understand the whole adoption process very well and that causes some negative thoughts towards it. Just talk to her about what she knows and help educate her the best that you know how. Maybe she feels that her birth mom doesn't like her or that other kids her birth mom might have doesn't like her. Just keep trying to communicate with her and eventually she'll open up.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 9:37 PM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • open communication is the key.
    DancerMomof2

    Answer by DancerMomof2 at 9:38 PM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • I wouldn't read that much into it, just keep the loving going.
    lstrickland

    Answer by lstrickland at 9:47 PM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • Hmm...I'm a birthmom...do you have an open adoption with either of them? Is she at the age where she's maybe starting to wonder why her birthmom chose adoption? Maybe she overheard something at school? I don't know, just shooting out ideas that I had mentioned to me during my pregnancy counseling.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:55 PM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • Hi, PP. We have open adoptions with both birth moms, and a lot of involvement and face-to-face contact with DD's birth family. She actually knows why her birth mom chose adoption. It was just so weird because we've always tried to present it as on big, extended family and nothing negative at all. That's why I wondered if another kid made a remark.

    JazzlikeMraz, she may think her little brother doesn't like her. He's a terrible two right now, and he's started to push her away sometimes. She's back and forth between saying how cute he is and how much she loves him, and complaining about the way he behaves (like a normal two year old).

    I appreciate everyone's thoughts so far. I don't want her to get the impression that I freak out whenever she says anything, but I thought I should at least try to get a little more info from her.
    Iamgr8teful

    Comment by Iamgr8teful (original poster) at 10:08 PM on Dec. 22, 2010

  • Her ability to understand what adoption is will evolve as she grows; I've been adopted for over two decades and still haven't figured it out yet. It is important to keep answering her questions as truthfully as possible. Some common adoption cliche answers have conflicting themes--and children will notice that. Also, only 2% of people are adopted. It's not uncommon for an adoptee to feel unequal simply because so many of their friends are being biologically-raised.
    NovemberLove

    Answer by NovemberLove at 10:21 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • I'm adopted as well and if I had to guess on this I would guess that maybe another child said something to her. It is pretty hard sometimes at that age to get kids to talk about what might be bothering them. I remember being that age in school and other kids were curious about my being adopted and some came to some odd conclusions about it not knowing any better. And I really did not understand it either-and had some odd ideas myself. As everyone else said keep the communication open and let her tell you what she feels comfortable with and I think eventually you will figure it out.
    confused969

    Answer by confused969 at 12:12 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

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