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2 Bumps

Divorced 8 years and my ex-husband retains custody of children. My children seem to hate and resent me for having a new baby i was hardly there for them. Depression and alcoholism ruled my life for five years. How can i explain to them and will they ever talk to me?

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dawnb70

Asked by dawnb70 at 1:23 AM on Dec. 23, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Well, honestly, that was wrong of you to have kids that you didn't want to care for... and they feel abandoned. The thing you should have done to win them back is to try to start over with them, clean up and get involved with their lives... not have another child. Sorry this happened, but speaking from personal experience, you just need to let those other kids go until THEY make the effort to talk to you. Until they need you... all I see is you ending up hurting them more.
    Flippindadaisie

    Answer by Flippindadaisie at 1:26 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • Maybe you need to get their dad on same page so you can explain, if he wont agree then ask for a mediation of court so, that you are able to get that explaination out and heard by your kids , they need to understand that you werent there fo rthem cause you had addiction issues, that it was best fo rthem to be with dad however, that you never stopped loving them ever, that you have gotten your life back on track and you understand that they are angry, hurt,.......and it is up them if they choose to forgive or not but you hope they will so you can show them how much you really do love them and always have.
    Doesnt matter what dad thinks/wants or what reasons/excuses you may have, only matters that the kids realize you still love them and never stopped but for awhile you just didnt know how to show it, it is in their best interests to hear, have proven to them, and begin to heal.
    kingkongsmom

    Answer by kingkongsmom at 1:30 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • eIf, you cant get dad to listen to why it is important for kids to hear/know you made a mistake that wasn't their fault, had nothing to do with how much you love them or not,.. and the family court either doesnt offer or have mediation help then call their school and talk to a counselor on their behalf or call school administration office for the district and talk to the district psychologist abot this, SOMEONE needs to either let you eplain in person or by letter and have school counselor or psychologist sit with and help read or answer their questions.
    To the reply about person saying fo ryou to leave them alone till they come to you --DONT LISTEN, DOING THAT ONLY KEEPS THEIR PAIN ONGOING.
    Even if you relapse into drinking again and whatever else, They deserve an answer from you and deserve to hear that even though you were weak and let addictins controll your life that it was Never their fault, you Never stopped loving .
    kingkongsmom

    Answer by kingkongsmom at 1:37 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • Sorry misspelled so much but you got the idea I'm sure. I never had an addiction problem like that and I can remember being a kid going through some other similar issues, kids often blame themselves, they werent good enough,.........You can fix that, help them heal, make them realize it wasnt about them.
    and PLEASE dont ever give up trying, dont force them to forgive, you cant but in time they can forgive, heal and move on, it may take years before they want to be a family with you but the healing process needs to begin now even if they don't let go of the past things, you can still help them understand it wasnt their fault.
    kingkongsmom

    Answer by kingkongsmom at 1:44 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • First of all I'm sorry this is a challenge you are facing. I'm not sure how old your other children are but I think being honest would be best just like you stated on here. Let them know that you went through some really hard times in your life and it was best for them at the time to live with their dad. It doesn't make you love them any less but you really do love them and wanted the best for them while you were getting things undercontrol. Let them know that none of this was their fault and you are always and will always be there for them. We all make mistakes in life and this is one you will have to learn from but it sounds like you are. Try to include them with your new child and still make one on one time with them. Take one day at a time and know it won't change over night but it's never too late. No matter how much it hurts to have them angry at you, know it really was for the best and it's never too late to change.
    jillrebecca3

    Answer by jillrebecca3 at 1:50 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • Depending on how old the kids are, an explaination may not make much sense unless they are old enough to have some understanding. You cant change their feelings over night, stay in touch and see if over time their feelings change once they see you are interesting in maintaining a relationship. And allow them to get to know their younger sibling...ex hubby should also back you up on this so you can get the kids to open up to you. Good luck!
    TriniCruzan

    Answer by TriniCruzan at 2:18 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • First off just tell them what you told us. Tell them over and over it was never their fault. Make sure they understand that you have an addiction, a illness but you are going to do better. Tell them you do not expect them to forgive you BUT that you think they need to understand that you love them no matter what. It will hurt to have them be upset with you BUT stay active in their lives. It will get better a little at a time. Give your older children time. It may not ever be a June Cleaver setting but each family is unique. You can't make them want to spend time with you BUT the time you do have them should be in a very loving and very stable environment. No matter how painful it is for you stay in their lives Mama. It will get better......BIG HUGS to you.
    pnwmom

    Answer by pnwmom at 3:51 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • I am not sure the ages of your children although I am sure it takes time. They are probably hurt and confused by everything that has happened. I would try and talk with them and see if they are willing to listen to what you have to say. If not see if they would be intereted in going to counseling because it might be easier if there was someone else there.

    I would continue to try and talk with them. Be in their lives and show them how you have changed.

    Good Luck!
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 8:16 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

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