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2 Bumps

How do you get over fights with dh?

We don't physically fight or name-call but we do have fights frequently. It tends to be the same things over and over. Finances is always somewhere at the root of it. Dh hurts my feelings and I cry and he says he's sorry out of obligation and then goes right back to being mean, sometimes that same day. What else can I do? I have explained to him in great detail that he is being hurtful. He is also quick-tempered and yells a lot and he knows that makes me very upset with lo's in the house and also I came from an abusive home where there was a lot of yelling and it triggers those childhood feelings/memories inme and I've explained that too to dh.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:00 AM on Dec. 23, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • First, when you are both in a good mood. ask him if he is willing to sit down to make some boundies with you when it comes to disagreeing. For example, if he knows he's getting upselt, he can say, "Lets discuss this later." Or if he is unable to control his timper, excuse yourself. Go to the bathroom. Or tell him hold on and go make a call or talk a walk. The object is to stop before it starts. If you're argueing over money, what is upseting him? Maybe if you both set up a budget together. You can get examples on-line or at your local library. There is a bood called boundries. Check it out. Maybe it can give you more ideas. Also, sometime ppl unknowingly like to stir up the other person. Especially if they had a bad day and are hurting. Maybe when he comes home make it a fun inviorment for him or romantic. Contact me if you want further suggestions. I've been married 30yrs. know & understand. Hope this helps you
    WalknWithGod

    Answer by WalknWithGod at 4:19 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • It's hard to get over fights like this, because for one thing, unless he's truly sorry, it's not going to change. For another, it's going to be hard for you to not make that connection between your past and your situation now. It sounds like you both need to talk about what you're thinking about the situation, and try to work at being on the same side financially - if there's money problems, you both have the problem, and you are both needing to come up with a solution - not one or the other.

    But honestly, unless you both work at trying to understand the other one's point of view, then things aren't going to get better, and honestly, it's just going to get harder to try to get over it.

    I don't mean this to be bad - there IS hope that it can improve. I would strongly suggest finding a book on how to communicate with your spouse and trying it either together, or, if he thinks that's dumb, then try it on your own first.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 4:18 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • I'd say counseling at this point. Your dh is acting like a typical guy however that doesn't make it right. And how knows it may escalate one day. You can also try walking away and ignoring his hurtful comments. It takes 2 to fight so just don't fight back. If he yells leave the room or shut down until he is ready to talk about whatever it is in a calm manner.
    2murphyboys

    Answer by 2murphyboys at 4:23 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • Most couples dis agree especially about money know-a-days. My hubby and I argue about money a lot also but yelling and screaming will get you all no where and you are not breaking the cycle you grew up in. Learn to agree to dis agree it takes a lot to do but sometimes you just have to swallow it and do it with pride. That's about all I have for you. Being a women, mother wife and partner isn't the easiest thing sometimes.

    raemommy

    Answer by raemommy at 4:40 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • I agree it sounds like counceling might be in order. It also sounds like he might be a little abusive. I understand that he is not hitting or name calling although if he is yelling and making you cry several times a day then that is a problem. I think you really need to look at things and if trying to talk with him is not helping then you need to get outside help.

    Good Luck!
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 7:00 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • Get yourself a copy of the book BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE by Drs. John Townsend and Henry Cloud. The premise of the book is that you have to set boundaries and then enforce them, much as you would for a child. For instances, you can tell your husband that the next time he yells at you, you will leave the room or the house until he can stop yelling. Then you have to follow through. You can't just make empty threats. The stuff in this book is powerful, and it works. So get it, read it, and implement it.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:17 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • We don't have them. I wanted to but he refused to fight with me, he'd just walk away. Smart man.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 3:34 PM on Dec. 25, 2010

  • I cannot "break" dh from yelling. I do not yell myself.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:49 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • Maybe you should TRY yelling. People treat you how you allow them to treat you.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 6:51 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • As you know, too much yelling will affect the kids & he needs to get it under control. A counselor may suggest you table issues until the kids are asleep. Write down key points that you want to discuss w/ him later & he needs to do the same. If he starts to yell, the discussion ends abruptly until he can calmly discuss the issues. Since most couples fight about $$- then sit down & go over your finances together. Work out a budget together. Hope this helps. Good luck
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 7:02 AM on Dec. 23, 2010

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