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6 Bumps

Duty to your parents

In my family,they believe that if you raise a child to 18,its the kid's responsibility to be at your parent's beckoned call for the rest of their days,even if it impacts your life negatively. Even if your spouse disagrees. This included financially supporting them.
My grandma had 11 kids. All but 5 moved away. The 5 that stayed acted upon her wishes. The other 6 moved on with their lives. They called,send cards,visited when money allowed. Those 6 were ridiculed for having their own lives.
In part,my mom expects this of me. She takes takes takes,but feels that it isn't her place to do anything for me. That's my husband's job,so she says.
So what do you think? Are you/do you expecting your kids to wait on you hand and foot once they grow up? Are you allowing them their own lives? A combo of both?

 
butterflyblue19

Asked by butterflyblue19 at 1:29 PM on Dec. 23, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Level 50 (383,297 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (34)
  • I expect my children to be free.

    Just as my parents expected us to be free. And we are.

    The really cool part is that as a direct result of this completely hands-off recognition of every other individuals autonomy, my parents have loving helpful children who actively seek out their company and love spending time with them.

    And so do I.

    As a parenting coach, I'm often asked my qualifications as a 'parenting expert' and my answer is always the same: I have adult children who I not only love and respect, but who are generous with their time and actively seek out my company --I like them, and they like me. There was not a time during their teens when that was not true.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 1:32 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • No, not all their lives. I do hope that they take care of me when I get to where I can't do it myself. I have worked in a nursing home, don't want to live in one.
    arenad

    Answer by arenad at 1:33 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • I wouldn't expect my Son to do anything but have His own Life..as long as my Husband and I are part of it and He is happy, We are happy.
    -AJ

    Answer by -AJ at 7:18 PM on Dec. 24, 2010

  • I respect my parents for raising me, but I do not feel it is my job (or my husband's) to support them. They wouldn't ask us to. His mom is another story - she thinks that since my husband is the only one of her 5 kids that turned out to be worth anything, not only should he be willing to give her money anytime, he should also bail out the rest of the kids when they can't make the house payment or have their truck repoed because they would rather waste their money than pay their bills. I would quite simply tell your mom you would like to have her be a positive part in your life, but if that can't be the case then it's time for you to move on.  Good luck!

    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 1:50 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • The really cool part is that as a direct result of this completely hands-off recognition of every other individuals autonomy, my parents have loving helpful children who actively seek out their company and love spending time with them

    This is how I was raised. When I was 17 I went on a school retreat (catholic high school), in which your parents write you a secret letter (you dont know about), and they read them aloud in front of everyone the last night... Well in both of my parenst letters they said that they love me more than anything, and all they want is for me to be happy and find my own path in life. And also, that no matter what I choose, just know they will always be there to love, support, and respect me as my own person.

    And I see my mother every morning for coffee, and my father once a week or more, because I WANT TO. And what they wanted for me, is all I want for my DD.
    Mme.Langley

    Answer by Mme.Langley at 3:16 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • My in laws treated my husband like a slave while he was growing up and even after he moved out. They were so mad when he moved away and there was no one to chop all the wood from sunrise to dusk every few days in the winter to heat their whole house. It was honestly such a relief when we moved so far away that they can't ask anything from him.
    JulieJacobKyle

    Answer by JulieJacobKyle at 7:41 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • they should have their own lives... and do whatever it is they want to do to make them happy.
    Luckybear05

    Answer by Luckybear05 at 10:25 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • My parents don't expect anything of me except to be happy. Yes, they raised me and provided for me for 23 years, but never once have they ever incinuated that they are entitled to what I now have. DH and I help them out financially and otherwise when we can, but they rarely ask for anything. When they do I can tell it takes everything they can to muster up the courage to ask. DH and I are more then willing to help out our family when we can, but again they rarely ask for help. We usually have to offer it to them before they'll take it.

    Nobody is entitled to anything. Regardless if they raised you that was their choice. They chose to concieve you and raise you, that wasn't something you asked of them. Therefore, you're not in debt to them and you should never allow them to take and take from you. Personally, I'd cut them off and tell them that they can fend for themselves.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 1:34 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • wow, that is strange!!! My kids are all grown-aged 43,41 and 39. They do have their own lives and I would feel guilty asking them to do anything for me---they volunteer and that is their choice when they see what needs to be done.But I am there for them too---helping out when thy are sick or need a babysitter,etc. It is just mutual concerns, never using each other!!!
    kerp1960

    Answer by kerp1960 at 1:35 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

  • Parents should raise their kids to be strong, independent, individuals. Children do not owe their parents anything except their love IMO. Certainly not financial support. Both of my boys have independent lives in other states. I expect no financial support from them (unless of course they hit the lottery!) No, seriously, if a child really does well financially and his/her parents hit hard times I don't see why the child couldn't help them BUT it has to be the child's choice. hug
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 1:35 PM on Dec. 23, 2010

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