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Why do birthmothers refer to the child they ditched as "their" child?

Why do birthmothers refer to the child they ditched as "their" child?

I keep reading where birth mother's say "my son" or "my daughter" when referring to the child they gave up. This even happens when they talk about that child and their family (who adopted them). This really disturbs me as a child who was adopted. If I knew the woman who gave me up called me her daughter, well I think I would kill her. My mother is wonderful, took care of me, raised me, wiped my tears, LOVED ME enough to keep me forever, she is my best friend. She is strong, even through tough times (birth mother = weak). My father is wonderful as well. Those are my parents. It sickens me to think anyone else thinks they are when all they did was get knocked up, then relinquish all responsibility. Why do you do this?!?

Oh in cases of rape - I do not feel negatively towards birth mother's, although abortion would have been a better choice.

Men who dont take responsibility - deadbeats
Women who dont take responsibility - birth mothers? WTF They are deadbeats as well!

Oh and I do not have any issues as you sugest. I have a wonderful life, it just irritates me too read. I have always been an opinionated woman, I am strong like that. I get it from my mother not biological)!

I have dealt with my birthmother situation, she is weak. She is not my mother, that is it.

There is no emotional bond to a baby while it is in you, a bond requires two people. Babies do not love you while in the womb, or once out. There is a need relationship, baby has need, you meet it. This is scientific fact.


Asked by Anonymous at 6:55 AM on Dec. 25, 2010 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (24)
  • The OP is entitled to her opinion. As a birth mom, I do not take offense at her comments. However, I think it is wrong to broadly generalize about birth moms, or anyone else for that matter. I feel as though I did give my son away, and it is not something I am proud of or want to be praised for. Each mother who relinquishes has her own unique story and reason for relinquishing. That is why I believe stereotyping ALL birth moms is such a faulty proposition. We are no more ALL alike than all adoptive moms or any other single class of people.

    I think there are adoptees who feel their birth moms' walking away was an act of weakness. In fact, I agree that for me walking away was a cowardly act. But, again, it is not the same for all of us. It can be a selfish or selfless act, an act of bravery or weakness or many other things. As for calling our children OUR children, they are ours as well as their aparents.

    Answer by Southernroots at 8:19 PM on Dec. 25, 2010

  • I take great offence to this. First of all, I'm a birth mother. I never once DITCHED "MY CHILD". No matter how you look at it, she's still MY child. She is MY daughter. Just because your BM might be a dead beat, doesn't mean they all are. I am not even close to being a dead beat. I gave my child to her adoptive family because they couldn't have children. I actually showed MY daughter how much I loved her by giving her GREAT parents. And that is by far the best decision I've ever made! I've picked a WONDERFUL family. I see MY daughter every few weeks and we are all VERY close friends, practically FAMILY. I don't know why you would even think BM's are weak. It takes a GREAT deal of courage and a lot of tears and emotional heart ache to give a child up for adoption. But you aren't just changing YOUR childs life, you're changing everyone's life that's involved, for the better.
    My advice, delete this post now. You're horrible.

    Answer by AtHomeMommy-3 at 7:32 AM on Dec. 25, 2010

  • I don't think bio parents "ditched" their child, their decision might have been very difficult and painful. Just because someone makes a loving decision to give a child to someone who is better equipped to raise it doesn't mean they don't love the child also.


    Answer by RyansMom001 at 6:59 AM on Dec. 25, 2010

  • I agree 100% with the pp, as a birthmother, I did not ditch my son. I spent months finding the perfect parents for my child, I agonized over my decision to place my child. But when I found his parents I knew, I was pregnant because they were unable to be. My son was born for them. My son's parents are the most amazing people and I look up to them in so many ways. Our son calls me mom, that was his choice, when he was 7 that was what he decided he wanted to call me. I think he would be extremely hurt if I didn't call him my son and he's 16 now. It's great that you love your mom so much and maybe in your case your bmom did ditch you, but it's certainly not the case for any of the 100's of bmom's I've met over the years.

    Answer by TJFBGMommy at 7:47 AM on Dec. 25, 2010

  • You sound a little bitter that your 1st mom gave you a better life.

    For something that turned out so well for you~ why are you so angry at her?

    Are you really a happy adoptee?


    Answer by adopteeme at 9:26 AM on Dec. 25, 2010

  • I do not think you have dealt with your situation as well as you think. Good luck to you.

    Answer by Jessica157 at 11:47 AM on Dec. 25, 2010

  • Not all bms even admit giving birth so not all claim a right of anything but, I do think it is sad that you have that opinion about a bmom sharing/giving a blessing of child/family.
    Sad that you also think in cases of rape it is better to abort/kill a little human being than to bless someone else with a child, the child/little being did nothing to deserve to die, he/she should have a right to live, bring joy and recieve joy from others. - IMO.
    Not bashing you, just disagreeing.

    Answer by kingkongsmom at 7:16 AM on Dec. 25, 2010

  • A friend of mine in high school was having a rough time. She was 15, an alcoholic and then found herself pregnant. Becoming pregnant with that baby probably saved her life. She stopped drinking, started going to AA and took care of herself for the sake of that child. BUT, she knew she couldn't keep it. Her home life was rough and she had not family support (hence the reason she had started drinking at age 12 in the first place). Another friend of ours mother let her stay with her, but she knew she wouldn't be able to support the baby and she had no where to live. She spent a lot to time finding parents for her unborn daughter. That was 20 years ago. She has since married and had more children, but she has never forgotten her oldest child, the child who most likely saved her life, the one she gave up because the baby deserved better than she could give her. (cont)


    Answer by layh41407 at 8:04 AM on Dec. 25, 2010

  • i don't know why you have such issues with this topic, but for most, giving up a child is the most noble sacrifice they do for their child. They do it out of love for that baby. My friend was able to get letters every year from her daughter's adoptive parents showing her growth. The adoptive parents even let my friend name the baby. It wasn't an easy decsion for her to make, but she did it out of love. She in no way "ditched" her child. She gave her child a much better life.

    Answer by layh41407 at 8:06 AM on Dec. 25, 2010

  • Wow......I am shocked by your attitude. Your Birth Mother made a very difficult decision to give you up and it was probably because she knew someone else could give you a better life than she could. That is a lot more intelligent than some deadbeat teen Mom who keeps her baby and lets her parents raise her baby while sheis still trying to grow up. Then, the people who keep their baby but abuse it due to having no clue as to how to love another human being.

    Answer by kerp1960 at 10:44 AM on Dec. 25, 2010