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2 Bumps

'Angel Babies'- am i alone?

I miscarried in February 2007 after I had a seizure and injured myself quite badly. I was about 4 wks pregnant with a baby my husband and I had tried for. At the time i was devastated and felt incredibly guilty that by fitting i'd 'killed' my baby.  I was upset but I dont feel I grieved like I grieved when I lost my mother. I wasnt as upset as I was when I was told my daughter needed a pacemaker fitted, i dont feel i grieved like other mothers ive met/seen on here have done.

I soon got pregnant again with my daughter who was born in December 2007...and although i often wonder what that baby would've looked like, who it'd act like etc, i dont feel like I mourn it anymore, i feel like I got over it quite quickly. I still feel ive lost a baby but I dont count it as a pregnancy nor as one of my children.

But i see angel tickers on Cm and people referring to their 'angel babies' even when they lost them as early as I did. I loved that baby even though i only knew it existed for a couple of days..but i dont see it as an 'angel'or anything like that. Does this make sense???

Am i alone? Am i being heartless? I feel like I am when I say this is my 3rd pregnancy and stuff when if you wanna get techincal its my fourth. It just gets complicated when i start saying "This is my 4th pregnancy, but once was twins and one was a miscarriage" and I never say that I'm a mum of 3 (nearly 4) and one angel or anything like that....?

Im not referring to mothers who lost babies later on in pregnancy or who were stillborn or passed away soon after birth, but those who lost in the first trimester.

 
little.knickers

Asked by little.knickers at 9:23 AM on Dec. 26, 2010 in Pregnancy

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Answers (14)
  • I lost one at 6 weeks. I completely understand. I was upset, pretty upset for a couple of days. However, it was nothing like when I lost my dad... I didn't know that baby, I wasn't connected with it. Even now, I am 27 weeks pregnant and if I lost him I would be miserable. Yet, if something happened to my brother... or even one of my little cousins... to me? That would be worse. I am very close to them and I have bonded with them for much longer then my baby. So no, it doesn't make you heartless...
    sissy0604

    Answer by sissy0604 at 5:52 PM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • You're not alone and I don't think you're heartless, I agree with you. I also think we all process pain and loss differently. Maybe it helps them to carry that with them? I don't feel as though telling people I am a mother to one beautiful little girl and 4 angel babies would do me, her or anyone else any good at all. I don't feel like the mother of anyone but my dd. (And sometimes my DH lol)
    SinfulBliss

    Answer by SinfulBliss at 9:36 AM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • First, let me say I'm sorry for your loss.

    Secondly, don't apologize for your feelings. It sounds as if you've grieved and processed and are living your life. Everyone is different and there is no one method that suits everyone.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:29 AM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • Everyone grieves differently. Noones way is wrong...u just gotta do what's best for u to get through it.
    randibosin

    Answer by randibosin at 9:37 AM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • I am sorry for your loss. Each person grieves differently. I know I lost my 2nd pregnancy at 12 weeks. I do consider that pregnancy and a child, but I don't have a ticker, and I don't feel like I am still grieving. Each person needs what is best for them. Don't feel guilty for it. You are living your life the best way you can. Be grateful you have been able to accept and move on with life after your loss, it isn't something everyone is able to do.
    jwaren

    Answer by jwaren at 9:38 AM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • Each person has to grieve in their own way and nobody should be judged on how they deal with their loss. Not trying to mean but I think this post will end up hurting some people who believe differently then you.
    ladyambition

    Answer by ladyambition at 9:56 AM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • No i am not bashing anyone or trying to offend anyone. Im not being rude to anyone who has taken comfort or been helped by viewing their pregnancy in that way, but I am merely asking if i am alone in NOT doing those things. Its made me think im being heartless (to myself and to that foetus) by not viewing it as a child of mine...does that make sense?

    I was woondering if ive been "too matter of fact" about it. I was not juding anybody on how they deal with loss. I was just trying to see if anyone is the same as me...so i dont feel guilty for feeling the way i do.
    little.knickers

    Comment by little.knickers (original poster) at 10:03 AM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • To be honest, I feel the same way as you knickers. There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling, don't let anyone on here make you feel guilty or like you are doing something wrong.  And nowhere did you bash or judge anyone!!!!!!!!

    Mum2twouk

    Answer by Mum2twouk at 10:23 AM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • I have a friend who says though she is sad about her miscarriages she is thankful she lost them early on and not late term or still birth. She feels that would have been much harder to deal with and she mourned for a good while with both of hers but certainly doesn't dwell on it. NOT that that is wrong, she just doesn't.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:38 AM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • I don't think it's wrong. I lost my sister as a young teen and though I think abut her from time to time I don't still mourn her. In fact I'm not sure I ever really did. It's just how I handle things. I was sad to get the news, I missed her for a while, then I moved on. She isn't forgotten by any means but I don't feel sad any more.
    But_Mommie

    Answer by But_Mommie at 10:46 AM on Dec. 26, 2010

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