Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Can they still grow up to be happy & healthy?

I just read an answer from onethetwins, and have huge concerns for my children about this. Neither one have there Bmoms in there life, one because she chooses not to be, and the other because she was foster/adopt. I'm not sure how to word this...Do you think adoptees can still grow up to be happy healthy adults if there Bmoms are not in there life? I mean, I can do my best to make sure they are, but from what I've been reading, it seems like they are more adjusted to life if there Bmoms are in the picture.

Answer Question
 
LizClara

Asked by LizClara at 1:26 AM on Nov. 10, 2008 in Adoption

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (22)
  • Yes, as long as the adults in their life give them the love and support they need. However, I don't think foster/adoptive parents should beat themselves up if the child has problems, because sometimes the child has trouble getting over it.
    mamapotter

    Answer by mamapotter at 1:28 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • I have a very good friend who was adopted and she feels that her and her adopted brother are happier with their mom then if their Bio. Mom had been in their life. She didn't find out until she was 16 that she'd been adopted and she had some hard moments dealing with it, but her father and mother stood by her side and helped her deal with the issue. At the end she realized that she had a loving family who wanted her more then anything in the world and while they did not share the same blood she knew that her bio mom never would of loved her this much and was greatful to have what she was given through adoption. So in answer to your question, yes I think that adopted children can grow up to lead happy and healthy and very full lvies. Sometimes the bio mom isn't always the best mom for a child, it is all in how you love them and treat them for how they will grow up feeling.
    bubblycute

    Answer by bubblycute at 1:30 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • mamapotter LOL! Our foster/adopt daughter has many issues with her behavior. From about 6 months I used to say "Please reserve a spot for us in anger management. She's going to need it!" She is stubborn and independant and pigheaded....and makes me laugh with her little attitude! I wouldn't change her for anything. We've gotten her the best therapy around, have her in behavior therapy now, and will continue to fight for whatever she needs. I know that her issues come from her Bmom and the drugs she took while pregnant, so I try not to look to much into that. But there are times when I say "Where did I go wrong?"!!
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 1:41 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • LizClara, sorry if i scared you. First of all are your children adopted through foster care or regular infant adoption? If foster care then please don't listen to a word I say because I nothing about that type of adoption. If through regular infant adoption, then do some reading, there is tons of advice out there for raising the healthiest adoptee that you can. The two women I'm about to refer you to are considered the leading experts in adoption issues. One is an adoptive mom http://www.nancyverrier.com/ and one is an adoptee http://www.marlourussellphd.com/ . They are both sincerely caring about adoptees and if you need advice email them and they will answer you. You'll have to cut and paste the addresses.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:04 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • The real answer of course is yes. There are lots of adoptees that do grow up to be healthy and happy. Some feel they have no issues, and some feel that they are healthy and happy despite their adoption issues. it's horrible for both birht parents, who thought their child was "going to be better off", and the adoptive parent who did everything they could to raise thier kid right when the child who is loved so deeply has issues despite all the love.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:12 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • Here is an small example of how my son, Danny, was damaged through lack of genetic mirroring. His birth father had the hugest, sexiest smile that spread across his whole face. At about the age of twelve onward all the photos I received of Danny he wasn't smiling. When he was 18 and we were reunited I commented that he should smile more. His adoptive father said he was embarrassed because his smile looked "fake". My son didn't smile for 6 years because he as told that the huge smile he had inherited from his birth father was fake. How sad is that? Visit the phots on my page to see it.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:19 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • Let me answer as a 45-year-old adoptee. Never met my birth mom. And, sorry to the birth moms there...never missed her. I knew I was adopted ALL my life; I cannot remember a time I didn't know I was adopted.

    But my parents are the people who raised me. I don't have a dislike for my birth mom or a feeling of abandonment; from what I've been told she did the right thing in giving me up. I respect that she did the right thing, but that's about it.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 4:16 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • I was put into my adopted mothers arms at 5 days old. I knew I was adopted since I was 5 years old, but there was always something missing in my life that I couldn't pinpoint. Like Stuart Little said in the movie, "there's an empty spot."

    Not everyone has this empty spot though. A lot of adopted people are ok with the situation and feel no loss. It really depends on the person.
    LisaAC

    Answer by LisaAC at 7:00 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • I didn't read the post you are referring to or the answers you have gotten to this one, but as for your question...ABSOLUTELY. We our friends with 2 men who have worked with my husband. They are both successful, awesome dads and husbands with wonderful wives. We have talked with them since our decision to adopt, because we had a lot of questions. Neither one of them are bitter about the adoption, they don't feel like they've missed anything in life and they do not have contact with their bio-parents. They love their parents who raised them and they have happy lives. I am pretty critical and both of these men are a notch above. Anyone would be lucky to know them!
    RentaMom

    Answer by RentaMom at 11:17 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • Thank you to all that responded. There's times I feel like I have to be a 'better' mom than some to prove that I'm worthy of raising these wonderful girls. I know I may mistakes and will continue to make more LOL!, but I hope that I can raise them the right way. If they ever decide to find there birthparents, I want them to be able to say they had a great life and that they are happy there Bparents chose us (well one daughter anyway. The other is foster care adoption, so she really didn't have choice).
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 11:24 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.