Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

College student, ab 3 months pregnant--more open to abortion than adoption but maybe I could parent??? I'm so lost.



I'm 22 years old, I'm in my 5th year of college, I found out I was pregnant on the first of November. I always said that in the event of an unplanned pregnancy I would have an abortion I told my (then boyfriend) this and we agreed that's what would happen. Well, when I actually got pregnant I had a hard time deciding that I was going to get an abortion. Now, there is still time, and I am keeping that option open, but I have no clue what to do. The father does NOT want a baby and pressured me to get an abortion. When I said I wasn't sure I wanted to do that, a lot of fighting and arguing ensued. He is 35 and a nurse--he is also still legally married, and living with his wife whom he is 'separated' from but she has no idea we carried on a relationship for months.

I don't know what to do. Both my parents are deceased so there is no help there. It would rip my heart out to place for adoption and I'm not sure I can parent.

Answer Question
 
amgillis88

Asked by amgillis88 at 11:31 PM on Dec. 26, 2010 in Adoption

Level 7 (182 Credits)
Answers (31)
  • I don't see how putting a baby up for adoption would be more heartbreaking then not allowing them to live a life.
    Melbornj

    Answer by Melbornj at 11:35 PM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • I wish you all the best in your situation. However, we differ because I could never consider an abortion. If it was me it would be between adoption, which is a very hard thing to do or keeping it. If you do not feel like you can parent effectively, then I would say use adoption. It is my belief though that abortion and adoption both carry their own set of personal consequences. It is not an easy decision for you to make.
    katcb1019

    Answer by katcb1019 at 11:38 PM on Dec. 26, 2010

  • Nobody can make this decision for you...but, I do want to say that I hope you really consider parenting. You can't take back either adoption or abortion. You are now a mother and you cannot undo that. Parenting is scary to think of. But, it's not a completely unsurmountable challenge. If you are living a healthy lifestyle (no drugs) and are mentallly in a state where you are not going to harm your baby, then really think of all you CAN give your child. There are programs to help single mothers. Some colleges even have child care services on campus and base the rate on your income. There are State programs to help with child care based on your income. Be sure to put the father on the birth certificate. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. You can do this.
    hollyanne31

    Answer by hollyanne31 at 12:31 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • If I were you I'd chose to parent. Parenting is difficult but the rewards are enormous. I have given a baby up for adoption and I would highly recommend against it. The pain does get easier, in my case it got worse, you never get over it and subsequent children cannot replace the one you lose. People might try to lure you with the promise of open adoption, which can be great for both the mom and the child. But, open adoption is not legally enforceable and once you sign the papers you have no more legal right to your child than I do. If you think you could do open adoption but never a closed one, then don't do adoption.


    I know women who have had an abortion and given a child up for adoption and they all say the pain of adoption is much worse than the pain of abortion. I say keep your baby and consider yourself blessed :) good luck.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:14 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • I gave my baby up for adoption 7 months ago. It was the best decision I could have ever made!! www.itsaboutlove.org is an adoption site through LDS. You don't have to be an LDS member to place. They have 100's of profiles of adopting families. I found my a.Family on there. When I saw them, I just knew. My baby wasn't meant for me, she was meant for them. We had to pleasure of building a relationship with them about 5-6 months before she was born. They live 20 minutes away from us. We are now the greatest of friends. We see them weekly and visit. It was VERY hard at first, but it gets easier. Pictures, out grown baby clothes and plenty of LOVE help the process. There is no greater thing you can do for your child than give them the BEST parents in the world. A child needs love, and plenty of it. By placing your child you're showing them how much you did love them by giving them the gift of life. (cont)
    AtHomeMommy-3

    Answer by AtHomeMommy-3 at 4:35 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • You will change so many peoples life, for the better, by doing this. I'm 24, and I knew I couldn't parent. I was actually going to have an abortion, but turned around.

    If you ever need any advice, please message me. I'm very willing to help you in your decision.

    When you have some free time, check out that website. You can browse for free and see if you find a family that just melts your heart.
    AtHomeMommy-3

    Answer by AtHomeMommy-3 at 4:37 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • I'm sorry you are finding stress during your pregnancy with what to do.
    id never suggest loosing a child to adoption/abortion to any mother who is capable and wanting to love, and parent to the best of her ability without harm to her child.

    adoption is, imho, the death of your mother and child relationship to your baby. And that is a very sad and tragic thing to live through.
    yes, there can be good and happy outcomes in adoption, but not ALWAYS. And even so, it will never negate the loss.

    many of the moms here would be more than happy to help you find resources to keep and parent your child. I hope you will stick around and listen to their experiences and input.


    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 5:06 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • I wish there was an easy answer as to what you should do. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I can't say what you should do but I do know this, I have known women that have had an abortion and regretted it, I have known women who have placed their children for adoption and regretted it but I have NEVER met a woman who was sorry she kept her child. Good Luck.
    Luuckymommy

    Answer by Luuckymommy at 8:42 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Nobody should be pressuring you to do anything you don't feel you want to do. Reading your post it seems abortion is something you don't want. So please don't do something you may later on go on to regret. Try and get as much information as you can on keeping the baby and/or adoption. If you need financial help or support check out where you live and see all the options that your state offers. Although it will be hard you will find amazing strength within yourself when seeing that little blessing. You can also check out some great groups on Cafemom from being single and parenting to adoption. I am sending prayers your way.
    Kellyjude1

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 9:02 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • ITA with Hollyanne and Kellyjude! It doesn't sound like abortion is something that you want to do. You are a mother now, no matter what decision you make.

    When I was about 20, I was sure I was pregnant because I hadn't had my period for three months, but I could not afford a pg test. My then boyfriend pretty much ordered me to have an abortion, but I told him I didn't believe in that. We had a huge fight. He said he didn't want to be a father, and he would not agree to placing a child for adoption (he was an adoptee from a closed adoption and felt very rejected). I made an appointment with Birthright and had the free pg test and learned that I wasn't pregnant, but that relationship was pretty much over.

    Your former boyfriend wants to avoid all consequences for his behavior. You will be the one to decide what to do, and to live with your decision. I will pray for you. Best wishes!
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:28 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN