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17 Bumps

A mom without all of her babies :( adult content

I gave my ex husband custody of our 2 children when we got divorced I couldn't afford to take care of my oldest and then 2 babys at the time. It still makes me cry that I let them go. He moved and The courts don;'t know where he is. I tried to get them back but to no avail.
I never get to see them and his "new" wife "emotionally adopted" them. i let him have them because I was unable to take care of them and my oldest by myself (I have one older daughter whose father couldn't be trusted to raise a pile of dirt)
Now I am married and we have 2 of our own plus my oldest.l Every day I am just about reduced to tears about my kids. Am i a bad PERSON for letting them go and How long is this pain in my heart going to eat at me.

 
mamabeard3

Asked by mamabeard3 at 11:44 AM on Dec. 27, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 17 (3,899 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (48)
  • No you did what you thought was the best at the time. Can you afford to go back to court and apply for joint custody? As to how long is the pain going to eat at you, it probably always will. Afterall they were your babies too. All I can say is my prayers are with you.
    horsegal2760

    Answer by horsegal2760 at 11:46 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Your best option i think would be to hire a private detective, at a time where the courts and state couldn't find my father,my mother hired a private detective and they found him right away.

    They aren't cheap, you get what you pay for, so shop around and do interviews.

    Then once you have found him you can file for visitation in the state he is living in.

    good luck
    tntmom1027

    Answer by tntmom1027 at 11:53 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Wow some of you people are cruel...

    danni1982 - you need to grow up. I sincerely hope one day you are able to be a kind and compassionate person; cause today; you're just a bitch.

    MSMama - Way to "assume" things we don't know. The OP may have been searching for these children for years since she got her life in order - if her ex has disappeared w/ the kids; what was she supposed to do? Stay in a holding pattern forever til she found them; *if* she's able to find them? She didn't say she had two more children she was struggling to raise - she got her life in order; met a man; and started to move forward; and it sounds to me; she did all of that while at the same time actively seeking these two previous children.

    beachmamaof2

    Answer by beachmamaof2 at 12:27 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Why would you have brought two "new" children into the world before getting this issue taken care of?????
    You should have hired a detective and taken care of finding your children BEFORE choosing to have two more!!! You did what you thought was right at the time, by giving them up, but WTH??? You have had time to marry and have 2 kids, and NOW think it's important???
    MSMama21

    Answer by MSMama21 at 12:22 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you gave him FULL custody. If you couldn't take care of them, you could have had joint custody with him having primary custody, and still had visitation of your children. That doesn't make sense to me. I'm afraid I do agree with some of the tougher moms on here. We all are responsible for our actions. We all go through desperate times. Sometimes we make decisions that we have to live with when we aren't in a good place.

    There are many moms on here who have struggled, and felt like they haven't been able to take care of their kids properly, but have done what they had to to get through that. Unfortunately, I know how this affects both the kids and the moms. My own grandmother, who I adored, made a similar decision. I don't want to beat up on you, but I do think it's important to learn from our decisions, not just feel sorry for people.

    Best Wishes.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 12:37 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • I am so sorry for your pain. Regardless of how one views what you did - You did what you felt was best at that time. It never means you love your children any less. I am sure that was the most difficult decision you could have made. I am sure you tried to do all you could to keep your children. You are the only one who knows what is best for your children at that time. I am sure you did not think your ex would completely disappear and you would never see your children again. Continue to search for your children.
    Kellyjude1

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 12:55 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • I don't think so. You did what you had to at the time and that was what was best for your children. Try taking him to court and getting visitation rights. I cant believe a father would be so cruel is to keep his children from their mother.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 11:45 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • you did nothing wrong. You did what was best at the time. Its going to hurt until you can forgive yourself. I would hunt that bastard down though....
    LuvMyMedic3ID

    Answer by LuvMyMedic3ID at 11:48 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Your not a bad person, so please don't feel that way. You did what you thought was best at that time, and that is all you could do. It is sad however that now you have no contact with them. Did your ex and you have an agreement as to visits or anything? Your ex should have kept those children still a part of your life. Please continue to reach out and search for your children. Don't give up. It may be helpful to join some support groups. Check here on cafemom on the groups forum. I am so sorry for your pain. I cannot ever imagine what you are going through. Sending lots of prayers your way. Hopefully your ex will realize that you are an important part of their lives.
    Kellyjude1

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 11:59 AM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • OP: Even though you gave him full custody were you not entitled to visitation?

    How was he able to move w/out notifying you? I would think unless he's actively trying to hide from you; it should be pretty easy to find him thru his SSN and work records with the IRS and yes a P.I. should be able to get that info for you pretty quickly.

    I wish you good luck; and don't let some of these negative cows get you down...
    beachmamaof2

    Answer by beachmamaof2 at 12:29 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

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