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2 Bumps

How can I deal with a mother inlaw who is obssessed with my daughter?

Ok I married my high school sweetheart who is the youngest of three sons. His mother has drove me crazy from day one of our marriage. Well things had gotten better the unexpected drops in stopped, the phone calls every day was finally once a week and visits were down to every other weekend. Well this time last year I found out I was expecting and once my MIL found out I was getting text several times a day calls everyday. Once we found out we were having a girl and had an ultrasound she insisted that the baby look just like her son from the picture. When I had my daughter by c-section she was at the hospital everyday for hours. The day we got home from the hospital she was there 15 mins after we arrived and was over to see us every other day for months. This has gotten better but she still insist on having a mandatory once a week visit more if she can find an excuse. But heres what really bugs me. When she is around no one is allowed to hold my daughter. She even holds her when my daughter starts crying and takes her into another room even though she knows my daughter is wanting me. Since my daughter has been born she calls her her baby or our baby as in give our little girl a kiss for us. She is also always asking for visits alone which Im not ready for. I have had several episodes where Im changing or getting ready to feed my daughter she will just walk in take her and the bottle out of my arms and walk away without saying a thing. I think its so rude. Im still getting a million text a day from her asking about the baby. She is still constantly pointing out how my daughter looks just like her dad and only buys clothes that says I love my daddy. One day she wanted to go shopping to spend time with me she took the baby and I didnt see her the entire time we were in the store. She wont even put my daughter down to eat or take pictures or even unwrap her presents at christmas because forbid anyone else hold her. She has even slipped and called herself mommy once and she has started kissing her on the mouth which I dont agree with. I have talked to my husband about this but he says he doesnt see anything wrong and its not worth starting trouble over. I have even had to fight for my right to buy her her babies first ornament , doll house and now she has bought her her first jewlery box which I feel all should have been my right to buy. Im at my whits end holding my tongue. How can I stop her from obssessing over my daughter and stop grabbing her out of my hands. Its the first thing she does as soon as she steps foot in our door. This is her second grandchild her other one is 10 years older. I dont even want to have get togethers with her and my family because she would hog all the time with my daughter and I dread the first birthday when it should be me who is doing the stuff with my daughter and I know it will be her. My mother inlaw is also very sensitive will cry at the drop of a hat and uses guilt and emotional blackmail to get her way. I just really need some advice about how to deal with it. Im a first time mom by the way. Thanks so much for reading this

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:09 PM on Dec. 27, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • Its your baby and if you feel that putting your foot down and telling your MIL to leave your child alone, well, if that's worth the risk of happiness in your marriage, then go for it. But if you can find another method to solve the problem that will NOT lead to conflict in your home, try it first. Not saying to give in to your MIL but to set some boundaries by expressing to her how you feel when she takes your child out of your arms. A heart to heart talk with your husbands mother may open her eyes to what she's doing because she may not be aware that she's over stepping her boundaries...and in all fairness just because other people have issues with their MIL's does not mean you have to go that same route...first try the civil approach...
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 5:18 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • I have been through this and can only say don't let her take the baby out of your arms. If your daughter starts crying for you, walk over to them and pick her up out of your MIL's arms. Easier said than done if you don't want the drama it will likely cause but again, I have been through this and if you don't step up now, you're in for a lot of headaches. I've gotten the dirty looks, the guilt trip and manipulation and finally had to stop letting it get to me. Don't be fooled either. I doubt your MIL is very sensitive. The crying from an adult woman who is a grandmother, all over something like mom holding her own baby, is not because she is sensitive. It's because she has serious issues. Also, if you aren't ready for her to take your baby for visits, say no. Another thing is to approach your DH on this. Mine said the same things yours does but you two need to be on the same page. You two are the parents, not her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:15 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Goodness gracious, I would just sit down and talk to her about it calmly. Of course, your baby is important to her, but she's overstepping the boundaries and it sounds like ya'll really need to make the boundary lines known to her because the longer this goes on, the worse it's gonna get. I hope ya'll can work it out, sounds like she loves you dd very much...you're very blessed to have a MIL who loves your child so much, she just needs to know her place and you're going to have to tell her as nicely as you can...
    the_kimmers

    Answer by the_kimmers at 3:13 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • well, my mil is at the other end of the spectrum. she lives 5 minutes away and i have to have a valid excuse for her to get off her fat ass and come see her grandchildren. she's a lot like your mil with her other granddaughter (sil's kid) then our children.

    as far as her ripping her from your arms, id put a stop to that immediately. she may think she's just doing you a favor, taking her off your hands and giving you a break. im giving her the benefit of the doubt though, with everything else you said it really sounds like she's bursting thru the door and claiming her own child back. you have to put your foot down, but try and do it gently as to not break the over-senstive fragile woman. when she grabs for her without your permission, don't let the baby go if YOU don't want to. say "im doing this right now, thanks for offering though" and at family gatherings, say "your arms must be tired, let's let so and so hold her"
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 3:16 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • You need to let her know in plain language this is your child and you are the mother and she is the grandmother. My friend from school has this problem with her mil and she had to sit her down and she was able to do so with support from her family. GL Momma
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 3:17 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • just remember she is your child. whoever holds her, kisses her, etc etc is up to YOU. mil may not like it but tough shit! she is being way too clingy and it's kinda creepy actually. i would want to fight if someone took my baby out of my arms without my permission.
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 3:18 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Don't listen to anyone who says grandparents have the right to ignore boundaries and spoiling is a grandparents right. That is just too odd. Are there some things to ignore? Sure. I tend to ignore if they bring out the cookies when I'd rather the kids have fruit. Or when they bring out the video games when I'd rather them play with toys and visit or go outside and play if the weather is nice enough. If you start with the thought that grandparents have the right to spoil, trouble is ahead. I have been trhough it as a child, I deal with it to an extent now and believe me, you don't want what is next. Sure grandparents will do some things you'd rather they didn't but when it comes down to it, what you have described is beyond a little indulgence and more along the lines of someone who needs to get some things straight. I understand about dealing with the husband. They don't want to see anything wrong in their mommy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:42 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Tell your MIL, shes your daughter, not hers. Shes the grandma, and that's that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:10 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • I'm a grandma and I have to say I don't envy you! I think first you need to get hubby to agree with you and let her know you are united in anything that is suggested to her regarding this problem. Good Luck
    Carolannie

    Answer by Carolannie at 3:21 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Wow! You are going to have to tread carefully here. Think about it- this is the 1st girl for both of you (you & your MIL- you said she had 3 boys) I can tell you from experience, my grandparents (my father's parents) called me the dau they never had. (they had 2 boys) I had a fantastic relationship w/ them & miss them deeply (they passed almost 2 yrs ago) I also have a good relationship w/ my parents. Your dau will know who is mom & who is G-ma & she will feel loved by you both. Thats what really matters, right? It's not a competition- and if she wants to spoil her a little -that's a grandparent's right :) Now if there is something you really want to get that is special from mother to dau, then dont tell her you're getting it- or let her know under no uncertain terms that it's your job to get it for your dau. Believe me, you will appreciate all the help & love she sounds willing to give. And your dau will benefit too
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 3:24 PM on Dec. 27, 2010