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8 Bumps

Who comes first the wife and child with her or your child from other relationship?

When it comes to marrying someone with children, who comes first? I'm told by Christian counselors that in any marriage the spouse comes first and then any and all children come next. After God of course. The counselors were seen before I got married as part of marriage preparation.  But I feel that my husband put his son first before me. In addition, because we have a child together he puts his son before our daughter. I feel that I should come first. I don't mean to sound selfish. I'm confused and concerned.  If you agree that the spouse comes first then what advice can you give as to how to ascert that.  I make sure I put him first before any of the kids including our daughter but if he doesn't follow my lead what then?  If you feel that kids come first clarify if his child should come before ours and if you agree his should come before ours, then please provide me some guidance on how to accept my fate and how to explain to our daughter that his son comes before her.  I would appreciate positive guidance not bashing.....

Many of you have been so kind to respond and have commented that its not a competition.  I agree, but I feel that he puts his son first before the rest of his family.  His son lives with us part time, yet our lives revolve around his and his mother's schedule.  Case in point.  each year we take turns where we spend holidays.  One year with his family in one state and the next in the other state.  This year was supposed to be out of state with my relatives, but son's mom wouldn't let him come so guess who else didn't come at the last minute?  So wife and daughter didn't get to spend holidays with hubby and daddy because brother couldn't come.  So husband spent holidays ALONE because we were going to be gone for 10 days.  How do I explain to my daughter (for those of you agreeing that kids come first) that brother came before her?  Why should rest of family suffer? 

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 6:48 PM on Dec. 27, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Answers (43)
  • I agree with what you said... God, You, Kids, and thats, that.

    Answer by bjojola at 6:51 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • that is very true the wife or even the husband should always come first but in most cases that doesn't always happen.

    Answer by Lynnsae at 6:52 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Yep, what bjojola said.

    Answer by Averylee85 at 6:53 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Hallelujah, Christian counsellors. How about you go to a proper one? I don't mean any offence! But your question is all about your relationship with your HB. And it seems they don't solve the problem like talking about why do you feel that your husband put his son in front of you and DS. But they make it worse than they say you are right he is a bad man and husband because he is doing it.:( OMG, it is not counselling. It is brainwashing a'la people who call themselves counsellors and what is more upsetting Christians! I am totally shocked of this unprofessional way they tried to solve your problem. I just hope you consider to find a good counsellor who actually try to find out what is going on with you and not trying to make judgements on behalf of God!!!

    Answer by adriennfaklya at 6:55 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • I am not religious. So I put it this way---- kids, DH, pets, me. With my DH it would go----kids, DH,me, pets.

    Answer by louise2 at 6:56 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • The kids always come first, wherever they are.

    Answer by SWasson at 7:01 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Once you have children they should be your number one priority. By the way I'm just curious why this has to be a competition in the first place?

    Answer by Ctink8189 at 7:03 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • lol louise!

    DD always comes before my DH. He is a grown man & can care for himself if need be. DD is a child & needs me much more than my grown, mature husband. We made the choice to create a human, so she is my #1 responsibility.

    Some asshole-ish people always put the boys ahead of girls. In my family growing up, the boys were always #1 & the girls were #2. It was HORRIBLE growing up that way. My sister & i were just left with cracked self esteems. Terrible way to raise kids. Maybe your DH feels that boys are superior like my family did. All my brothers are egotistical jerks who think they are better than women. They are SUPER machismo & sexist as a result. Not a big surprise,

    Have you talked to your DH about this at all?

    Answer by samurai_chica at 7:06 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • My belief...the spouse comes first and then the children. If you don't put an effort into keeping your mate happy, does it really matter how happy the kids are if your marriage is falling apart?
    However, it really isn't a competition so unless DH is taking SS's side over my ruling (in front of SS), then there shouldn't be any problems. All decisions are final and if one of us disagrees, we do not discuss it within earshot of the children. We talk about how to discipline and come to a common ground if needed. That way we look like a united front to the kids.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 7:09 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Kids first, always. DH is a big boy, he can take care of himself. My kids are 2 and 3, WE BOTH put them first.

    Answer by Eco_Momma at 7:10 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

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