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What should i do?!

my boyfreind and i have been fighting alot latley and he gets stressed out and later that day or a week later (or just out of the blue) i will find a dip can.. I personally think that dipping is the grossest thing anyone could do so i get mad at him and we dont talk for hours he knows that i hate and yet continues to do it..... do you think he ia addicted and now cant stop or do you think he is doing it to hurt me? im so confused about the situation i told him if he did it again i was leaving but i dont want to do that to our daughter... i dont know what to do please HELP!!!!

 
MaddysMommy7208

Asked by MaddysMommy7208 at 11:46 AM on Nov. 10, 2008 in Relationships

Level 9 (275 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • I can sympathize. My husband quit smoking the day we started going out (I wouldn't have dated him otherwise), but last year, right after our wedding, I found a can of chew under the seat in his car. I was stunned, but he promised me that it was just nerves (besides planning our wedding, he had recently left his long-time job and was looking for a new one). I've never found any more, I think he was ashamed...and knew I was pissed but worse, disappointed.

    I would doubt that he's doing it just to hurt you, but only you know if he's that immature. It's a tough addiction to get over, especially if he feels like he needs it. Try not getting mad at him over it (come on here and vent to us!) but talk to him about what's bugging him. Let him know that you really want to help him stop, not just for you, but for him and his daughter as well. Good luck!
    KatieCrandall

    Answer by KatieCrandall at 1:35 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • i know its discusting,but you need to look at how does he treat you,what kind of father is he.i no dipping is a big thing to you,,but is the rest of things really that bad..talk to him about the things that are bothering you...good luck
    lifeisgood176

    Answer by lifeisgood176 at 11:55 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • My husband is an on-again-off-again smoker. He does tend to smoke more when we are at odds, and I don't think that's because he's doing it to bother me (which it does) but because he's more prone to do it when he's stressed whether it's me stressing him out or not. I notice that the more I bug him about it, the more he smokes. I leave him alone about it because he knows how I feel but it's not really my body or my choice so I don't bitch about it. However, I just can't stand to kiss him when he smells like that, so it's go brush your teeth or no kisses.
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 11:55 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • He's addicted. He probably does it after you fight because he's mad and his defenses are down, so he is more likely to give in to temptation. Or another possible scenario is that he is always doing it, and just doesn't bother to hide it from you after a fight. Here's the thing about having a relationship with an addict... you either accept the behavior or you don't. You can't make him stop. It's not about you, it's his problem. Getting mad and upset every time it happens only hurts you, it doesn't help the situation. My husband has tried to wuit smoking so many times, but he continued to puff away as we watched my mother die of cancer. No matter how much I want him to quit, he's not going to do it until HE decides to do it. Denial is a powerful thing, and addicts are masters of denial.
    BlueFrogMama

    Answer by BlueFrogMama at 11:56 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • well said riotqrri
    lifeisgood176

    Answer by lifeisgood176 at 11:56 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • give him some space. if you keep getting mad at him he will leave. try to keep a calm voive and talk to him nice. if he does have an addiction it wiil take time even if he does try to quit.
    bubblebean

    Answer by bubblebean at 11:59 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • I think it is more of a habit. You can get addicted. I dont think he is trying to hurt you. This could be his stress releaver. The more you try to convince him to stop, the more he might end up resenting you. Just talk to him, tell him you love him and you are concerned for his health. Dont lose a relationship over this, if that is the worst thing he does, count your blessings.
    SLPERRY

    Answer by SLPERRY at 11:59 AM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • I seriously don't think it has anything to do with you or trying to hurt you. He is most likely addicted. Nicotine is extremely addictive and a very hard addiction to break. The addiction to nicotine is compared to a heroine addiction. The brain actually creats receptors specifically for the nicotine and when there is no nicotine present or not enough the brain goes a little nuts. not saying it's impossible to break the habit but it is very difficult. The more pressure etc.. you put on him about it the harder it will be for him to do it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:04 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • He isn't trying to hurt you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:25 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • You are willing to end your marriage over his addiction? Yes, it is... he's hiding it, not putting it in your face to hurt you. If you understand that it's his burden not yours, you will save yourself alot of stress. Sounds like you take stuff beyond your control more personally than is healthy and make more out of things than needs to be done... just an observation that may help you avoid the fighting in the first place... obviously you can't explain everything here, but food for thought.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:37 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

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