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Why doesn't he seem to care?

When I try to talk to my SO about something that is bothering me in my personal life. Like work, friends, family, etc.. He doesn't even make eye contact with me most of the time and gives one word responses like he couldn't care less. I always listen to him and give him my advice. I have asked him why he doesn't care and how he would feel if it were the other way around. But he says "I'm listening, I just don't know what you want me to say". It just seems very rude and selfish of him to disregard my feelings like this. I should be able to confide in my SO about things that matter to me. Should I start acting the same towards him? Do you think that would work?

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Kelli1012

Asked by Kelli1012 at 11:10 PM on Dec. 27, 2010 in Relationships

Level 14 (1,591 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Honestly, I think that he does care. But - men respond differently than women - they often aren't as comfortable talking about these sorts of things, and they often feel like they should be "fixing it" for you. There's nothing wrong with you talking to him about it - in fact, you SHOULD be talking to him about it - but at the same time, you shouldn't be expecting him to respond like a close girlfriend would - with advice, opinions, etc, because no matter how much he cares, some men just aren't comfortable doing that - and quite possibly truly doesn't know how to do it.

    Maybe you could try a couple of these things - 1) when you talk to him, don't just sit down and talk to him - find something for you all to do together where you can also talk. For example - how many times do men bond with each other while doing something else, while women get together to just chat?

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:17 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • cont

    Try going for a drive, a walk, or working on a household project or a hobby together where you can talk but not be making eye contact, just sitting and talking about feelings, etc. He might be much more comfortable opening up then. (My dh and I used to talk while he built model airplanes.)

    Also, maybe you could start your conversations with something like "I know you can't fix this, it's something that's going to have to work itself out, but I love you and really need to just talk this through with someone I trust, and there isn't anyone I trust and respect more than you, so I just need you to listen to me. That way, you can reassure him that you aren't expecting him to solve it (and making him feel helpless when he can't), and you're also reassuring him how important his opinions are, so he can feel more comfortable sharing them.

    But I think he does love you and he does care.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:21 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • Thank you. That helps. I just have to learn more about the opposite sex and how differently they deal with things. It feels like he doesn't care as much as I do. It makes me resent him.
    Kelli1012

    Comment by Kelli1012 (original poster) at 11:39 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • I've been maried for 47 yrs and my S/O is now and always has been the same way. Most times he doesn't really act like he is listening or cares, but if it's something really serious, or very emotional to me, then he does give a good word of advise. In fact he always seems to say the right thing at the right time to make me feel better, but he's A LOT like your S/O with most conversations. I feel like I'm just talking to myself, but 47 yrs later, damn if I'm still not just talking to myself anyway, I get it off my chest, and I know he does hear me, but just not listening.
    MyAngel003

    Answer by MyAngel003 at 11:52 PM on Dec. 27, 2010

  • This is 100% a guy thing. Guys don't "care" like girls do. Have you ever actually listened to a "real" conversation that he's had with his friends? I bet it's nothing like the ones you have with yours! Guys don't think about things they way girls do. They don't often dwell on the things that happened to them throughout the day nor do they stop and think about the way it makes them feel, unless it was something big. He probably doesn't know how to respond, because he doesn't think like you do. At least he is making an attempt to listen, that's all you can really count on a man to do lol. I know how you feel, but don't punish him for being a guy lol.
    jessicarae787

    Answer by jessicarae787 at 12:01 AM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • Did you tell him that you want him to say what's on his mind about what you're telling him? Tell him not to give you the responses that you want to hear, but NEED to hear.
    _Tam_

    Answer by _Tam_ at 1:44 AM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • sometimes they are listening even when you think your talking to a brick wall! though he may not respond the way you want him to or give/ have the right answer for you he may still have been listening! My hubby has surprised me many times when he comes in and tells me something that helps me with a conversation we had a day or so before when i didn't even think he was listening!
    mom2eas

    Answer by mom2eas at 5:15 AM on Dec. 28, 2010

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