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How can I help strengthen my marriage?

We've been married for 4 yrs. We have a 7 month old daughter. About a yr and a half ago, I had an affair. The reason why is because I felt abandoned. We've gone through marriage counseling, it somewhat helped. We've had some success with our communication. But the other night I told him that I was going out with a couple of my girlfriends, and he actually told me that he didn't like that. He didn't know who these people were (even though he does), didn't know if there were going to be any guys there, and didn't know if I was actually going out with the girls or was sneeking around. He told me that there was still a trust issue. But in order to trust, don't you have to try? I need guidence on what to do!! Please help me!!

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Asked by dani91582 at 9:16 AM on Jun. 19, 2008 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • (I'm going to answer in 4 replies b/c my response was too long!)

    (Part 1)

    I do agree that in order to start regaining trust for someone else, you do have to start letting them do things that you might feel uncomfortable with, but at the same time, there's obviously more healing that has to happen first for you DH, and he's obviously not at that point yet. He may need more time than you both think, so just try to be patient and understanding, even if you get frustrated and think he should be over it already.

    Answer by retz at 9:35 AM on Jun. 19, 2008

  • (Part 2)

    Whether he should or not, I'm sure he feels betrayed, and the fastest way to restrengthen your marriage is for you to both to focus on eachother and figure out what it takes for each person to feel loved, respected, needed and wanted -- (I highly recommend reading the book "The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman, together).

    Answer by retz at 9:36 AM on Jun. 19, 2008

  • (Part 3)

    Sometimes a nighttime date with girlfriends can seem intimidating and bring back fears that you think you've conquered. Try seeing if your husband will compromise by understanding his reservations and suggesting lunchtime dates with your girlfriends instead so that the two of you can have nighttime dates together (even if it's just bbq-ing in the backyard together and then watching a movie at home after the kids are in bed.) When he gets nervous or upset about things you want to do that you think shouldn't be a big deal, try taking a step out of the conversation/situation and really put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would feel if your roles were switched.

    Answer by retz at 9:37 AM on Jun. 19, 2008

  • (Part 4)

    I'm sure it's seemed like a long time and that maybe you should be farther along in improvements by now, but just remember that everyone heals at their own rate, and the best that can be done is to make sure that you stay patient (even when you think you can't any longer!) and nuture and cherish eachother and your relationship together. I know you both can do it :)

    Answer by retz at 9:37 AM on Jun. 19, 2008

  • Mine is in parts too. First of all you broke the bonds of your marriage. You need to put yourself in his shoes. How did your affair start? Did you start hanging out with your g/f's while your husband wasn't around? Start talking to other guys, start feeling as though they appreciated you more then your husband? You need to realize that while you will have 1000 people tell you that you need to go out and spend time seperate from your spouse and very few that tell you it isn't a good plan and it brings in too much temptation to stray it doesn't make the minority wrong.

    Answer by WatchGirl29 at 8:53 PM on Jun. 19, 2008

  • Sure I go out to lunch with a g/f or shopping and my husband will go golfing with the guys we DO NOT "go out" without the other. We are no longer single and therefore we don't act as though we are. There are people out in the world who want to destroy your marriage. Believe it or not it is reality. You obviously want to make your marriage work, then put it FIRST, ALWAYS! Respectyour partners feelings. Realize there are other things you can do with your g/f's that won't make your husband suspect and insecure. He has every right to his feelings and as his wife it is your responsibility to guard his heart and feelings. We protect those we love and sometimes that requires sacrifice on our part.

    Answer by WatchGirl29 at 8:54 PM on Jun. 19, 2008

  • Remember one thing that is essential. While we should always try to say I love you and compliment our spouses and do the little things to keep the spark up life happens. Someone else might come along and say all the things you long to hear from your husband, but remember those things come easy when you aren't living together, sharing responsibility, finances and raising children together. Communication will get you through so much. Tell him when you need to be told thank you or shown appreciation. Men sometimes don't get it. Check out the book "Five Love Languages". It is a wonderful book and can help learning to communicate with each other in the way that they need since we are all different.

    Answer by WatchGirl29 at 8:57 PM on Jun. 19, 2008

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