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How often do you and your SO argue?

How often do you fight? Do you think it's common in a relationship to argue and/or fight (I feel there's a distinction-that being the nastiness, voice level, etc)? How often would you say is "normal" or "average"? Do you think that arguing automatically means that the relationship won't work? Or, could it just mean you're adapting to each other, stress, and learning the communication styles of one another?

Thanks for the thoughts/input.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:34 PM on Dec. 28, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (20)
  • Me and my husband dont argue or fight often at all. I am talking maybe twice a year? Both times are the same argument, over his mother haha. My ex husband and I however fought ALL THE TIME. At around 23 I figured it was unhealthy. I didnt want my kids to grow up and think it was normal. We divorced. I found my new husband and things are so much different with him. I cant tell you whats normal or what isnt for you or anyone else? For me though I just dont think it should take that much effort to make a relationship work. If youre fighting all the time whats the point? Are you enjoying it? Is life better for it?
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 2:38 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • Read John Gottman's work: he makes it clear that although marriage counselors and 'experts' all over the world are completely convinced that the only functional marriage possible is 'validating', they're wrong: there are 3 functional marriage models.

    Validating (counselor-speak instead of the heat of the moment, pretty much all the time)
    Volatile (argumentative, but much more likely to have high passion as well as high tempers)
    Conflict-avoidant (the kind who would rather eat their own feet than 'discuss' anything they don't agree about)

    As long as the fights are fair, done with restraint and respect (not name-calling, knock-down, drag out wars over everything that's happened in the last 21 years) and are outnumbered 5 to 1 with 'positive' interactions, the fighting itself is almost an irrelevant detail, unrelated to the potential duration of a marriage.
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 2:40 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • Arguing or differences in opinions is life... without it, life would be pretty boring.

    Hubby and I rarely ever argue to the point of raising voices (once in 3 years). We do argue, but for only a few minutes, cause then we discuss the issue. I tell him my feelings and vise versa, but we talk it through. There has been nothing that we havent been able to come to an agreement.
    Fighting does not mean the relationship is doomed. I do wish that people would calmly and rationally fight.
    My SIL and her hubby fight ALL the time... to the point of raised voices and slamming doors... with 3 kids around - I hate to see this.
    MrsDAP

    Answer by MrsDAP at 2:40 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • When my dh and I first got together we were creating a blended family so there was alot of fighting/arguing and sometimes it got loud and even nasty at times. I would have been great to have everything just come together but it didn't we had to work at it and as time has gone on we have learned how to work through things and after 6 years we rarely have any arguements/fights. It doesn't mean we don't disagree, just that we can work through it and know how to communicate with each other better now. So, the answer to your question if you argue does it mean the relationship won't, no, I don't believe that, I think it may just make it stronger if you work at it.
    sue118

    Answer by sue118 at 2:41 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • about once a week lol.. but its baout petty stuff and i couldnt tell you what the last thing we argued about we usually just agree to disagree
    momof241988

    Answer by momof241988 at 2:44 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • We bicker all the time (ok, mostly me whining lol) we argue over something stupid stuff once every 2 weeks maybe, and really fight maybe 1-2 times a year lol. I don't know, that's on average I guess. We bicker more than we FIGHT. And when we argue, it's hardly ever over anything serious, just us venting frustrations really. I guess it's normal. I know couples who FIGHT WAY more than we do lol.
    jessicarae787

    Answer by jessicarae787 at 2:47 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • What about small miscommunications or misunderstandings, not really even arguments?

    Do you think moving in together a month and a half ago, having a part time house guest, and other life stressors may factor into arguing and/or misunderstandings, and that people need to get used to each other and "work out the kinks" of living together, etc?
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:47 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • We never really argue. It kinda bothers me though.
    EttaMay

    Answer by EttaMay at 2:47 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month, sometimes every day, when nothing is getting accomplished.

    We don't get violent, an argument is a simple difference in opinion and trying to explain your point. Normal? Varies for every couple, If you and your SO often disagree you will agrue a lot , if you are almost the same you may argue close to never.

    If you aregue a lot, which some couples never stop arguing but its over petty stuff just for the sake of argument, I'd just reevaluate if you are happy. If you argue like us, where we have diff in opinion a lot but we are arguing more like a debate then it's nothing leaving over.
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 2:49 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • Oh I guess I should add that when we FIGHT it's not screaming at each other and slamming doors (though we've done that years ago, and have learned from it!) but mostly just ignoring each other or not talking as much until we get over whatever we were mad about.
    jessicarae787

    Answer by jessicarae787 at 2:50 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

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