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Tough Question, how do I handle it?

I have a very good friend who has a son that is 6 months older then my son. My son will be 3 soon her son has been 3 for about 6 months or son.
Her son (I'll call him Mack) is really aggresive even more so then the boys his age. He doesn't seem to be able to just be with out hitting, jumping on top of, puntching, breaking, throwing, smashing, stepping , or just harming something.
She knows he's aggresive and that ppl. do shy away from him (including her own mother and siblings because Mack beats on their children and breaks things in their home) but she says he's just being a boy.
Her son has hurt my son many times, including giving him black eyes and bloody lips by jumping on his back while he was walking by or slamming him into a wall or floor.
cont...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:15 PM on Nov. 10, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (16)
  • cont...
    When my son was much younger and her son was servierly abusing his size and capacity over my son's she would yell at her son ( her form of parenting) and tell him, "I can't wait for (my son) to be old enough and big enough to kick you a$$ Mack" But now that my son is big enough and able enough to defend him self against Mack she and her husband get angry at my son when he defends him self and coddle their son when he comes running to them after he punches my son and my son pushes him back.
    The other thing is she absolutely does not parent her son. She just lets him run lose in my home. The last time she came over it took me 1 week to clean up the play room. I have an illness that really inhibits by energy level she knows this but leaves my house knowing the play room has been completely flipped up side down.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:16 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • I NEVER leave a person's house with my kids without having them clean up first...that's so rude! I expect people to have their kids help mine clean up at my house as well. If she can't control her son then maybe you shouldn't have playdates together for awhile. She has to learn at some point to put her foot down...if she doesn't realize this now, then she's going to have even worse problems in the future with him. EEEEK!
    ReneeK3

    Answer by ReneeK3 at 1:20 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • If you really have no other options but this one child for your son to play with, then take them to a park to play, not your house! Consider joining a play group or maybe a parent run pre-school that has the parents stay and run activities for the children. With your limitations, perhaps you could be in charge of the paint station or coloring station that takes less energy than playground monitor. Might be beneficial to your son to be able to play with less aggressive kids in a friendly environment, plus be beneficial to this other mom to see other kids her son's age exhibiting more appropriate play.
    momofours

    Answer by momofours at 1:22 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • I think that I would detach myself from this friend because A) her son is going to hurt your son and B) you already know that she isn't going to do anything about it, oh and C) do you want your son to think that his type of behavior is acceptable and imitate it? I would be too busy to play from now on and the only way that I would do anything with her anymore is if it didn't involve the kids. Maybe the two of you can go out childfree for some Christmas shopping or have lunch together on the weekends. I have been is a somewhat similar situation with a good friend and I had to cool it with the hanging out because her lack of parenting was affecting ME.
    slw123

    Answer by slw123 at 1:23 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • she sounds too stupid to be friends with. her son is a spoiled brat who will grow up to bully people and they will not stop him. they will have some interesting years ahead as a result of their parenting. your baby doesn't deserve to be subjected to that. find friends that don't encourage violence. my two cents...
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 1:32 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • Oh we don't get together for play dates...she is not really about her kids she comes over to complain about her husband and leaves me to be hostess and the day care provider.

    And I my son has already learned bad things from him, that now we're working on, thats another reason I don't want him near my son.

    But her thing is, "oh they are just being boys", except when some one's child puts her son in his place because then he comes crying to her. Her son comes and whines when any one even looks at him and my son is too little to know to come and tell me everytime this kid smacks, pushes, punches, throws him self on, etc...
    cont...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:42 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • cont...
    She actually told me today, "I'm going to come over tomorrow with Mack, I didn't want to because I know THEY get out of control, but oh well." OH Well? I wanted to smack her. That's just her attitude towards his actions. And I forgot to mention we both have daughters that are 2 yrs younger then their brothers and my son is still 2 so he still goes around hugging and kissing every one. And when he tries to get near Mack's sister to kiss her Mack flips out, like a mad man and starts to push and punsh and bite. And all she says is "He defends her, he's such a good big brother" Defend her from what? A kiss? She just doesn't get and and you knwo what ladies I thank you all for your advice but really need to cut ties with her. I can't keep letting my son get hurt. Thank you again ladies.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:42 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • i would just stop being friends with them. they will never see that they are not good parents and that they should teach their son not to hit others. what they do is probably say don't hit but then they hit him in return. what? do as i do but not as i say. they learn from example and they have probably hit each other in front of him. learned behavior.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 1:52 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • I think you should calmly explain to her that you can no longer allow her child to abuse your son and your home. Tell her it is setting a bad example for your child and that you do not have the energy to clean up after his visits. Tell her that you consider yourselves to still be friends but that you are friends with a different value system. Tell her if she would like to visit by phone or get together once in a while, just the two of you with no children present, that you are open to that. If she chooses to not accept that offer, then you have done enough. Don't beat yourself up over it.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:53 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • Honestly, I think you should forget her and her family. I know it's mean, but being around her and her son is not good for you or your own son! Her leaving your house a wreck for you to clean is detrimental to your own health, which will inhibit your ability to care for your own child. Plus, her son is bringing harm to your child! That alone is reason to not allow her kid to interact with yours. If she cannot control him, and make him knock it off, then I do not believe you should be placing yourself or your son in harms way. Ditch her and find a better friend.
    MammaCat

    Answer by MammaCat at 2:00 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

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