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17 Bumps

How is this ALL of our responsibility?

Our 13yo son has a friend that he's been friends with since they were 5 and they have always spent time together at our house & at their house. Our son is the youngest of 5 with his siblings being 26, 23yo twins & 20 and his friend is the only boy in the family with 3 older sisters (14, 15 and 16) and 2 younger sisters (12 and 11). We felt that it was a good friendship being that both needed a friend who was like a brother having no brothers close to their own age. My son has been going over there for YEARS (since he was 5) and his friend has been coming over here as well and we have 100% trusted this family. Well, yesterday we got a HUGE bombshell dropped on us. Their 14yo daughter is pregnant, our 13yo son is the father and the sex occurred while the parents were home & while our son and his friend were supposed to be spending time together. IMO, this falls somewhere on the responsibility of the parents of his friend being that it happened at their house but they came over in a rage, informed us that they are taking US to court for child support (we both have well paying careers so I am sure that it will be a tidy sum) and that if they can they'll sue us because our son got their daughter pregnant, that this was our fault for not raising him better, he should have known better than to have sex, etc.. She is 14 (15 in Feb.), he is 13 (just turned last month & was actually 12 when she got pregnant) and it happened at their house. Somehow I think that they have a little more of a hand in this happening than we do since we had no reason to suspect that our son was doing anything he shouldn't be and their daughter IS almost 2 full years older than our son so she knew a little more about the consequences than he did. Now, obviously, if our son is the father (of course a paternity test will be done) we have no issues helping out because he is responsible and until he is 16 he cannot even consider getting a job. We don't dispute his responsibilities if he is the father. I just think that they need to step back because they are a little more "at fault" than we are. I don't even know what my ? is exactly...I just need to vent. This is a HUGE shock.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:40 PM on Dec. 28, 2010 in Parenting Debate

This question is closed.
Answers (76)
  • Well they are in for a rude awakening. Child support is based on the amount the father makes, not his parents, and it doesnt matter how old the father is. My son was 16 yrs old when his gf came up pregnant. His gf did the same thing figuring we would have to pay up. Guess what>? The judge said my son is in high school and therefore had to pay the state minimum ($60 a mth) and put it on hold until he was a 18 yr old man. So I know this is hard right now but money wise dont stress. They wont get money from YOU. But you are going to have to get your son to start "earning" his keep even by just doing yard work or whatever. Encourage him to be a good father even though he is a child. Get a lawyer and go for some form of custody as well. If this happened under their watch you might be able to get it.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 6:17 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • Almost forgot, if you throw up youre getting a lawyer to persue custody they might shut up.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 6:18 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • They are mad, hurt, guilt ridden, and a myriad of other emotions..... Im sure they will eventually calm a bit. Yes, I agree if it came down to percentages they would have a greater percent of being at fault... but that is not what needs to be dealt with. A pregnant teen is the REAL issue and both their daughter and your son are in for a LONG haul as well as both families and all the siblings.


    Let them vent and dont take it too personally they are going through a lot... and talking with out thinking... try to be the more adult adult here because you are now linked for life. 


    That was not to say you all arent going through a LOT too... just something about being the parent of the girl seems harsher... not to say it actually is... just perception.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:46 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • I think both parents are at fault. Looks like 2 kids are going to have to grow up and be parents.
    Mom2Just1

    Answer by Mom2Just1 at 7:12 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • I know you are in shock and venting. But take a deep breath, step back and realize there is a baby coming into this world. You need to have a serious talk with the other adults in this situation. Who is the majority fault holder is irrelevant. Start looking at the big picture. Who will be the primary care giver? Is adoption an option? (Don't get crazy on me here, everything needs to be discussed.) What are every-one's hopes and dreams for ALL parties involved. This is not the blame game, there is a life at stake.


    Call and set up some time to talk one on one right away.  Be the bigger person and make the first move. :)

    love2snorkel70

    Answer by love2snorkel70 at 7:33 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • If i were you, i would livid at them! It went on at their house... Their rules, their responsibility to know what's happening there.. What were you supposed to do, go over there when your son was there and watch him yourself?
    Just tell them that you could file a lawsuit for negligence, since it happened under their watch... But you won't because it wont do anything.. It's about the baby now, and figuring out how to best raise the child together...
    Mme.Langley

    Answer by Mme.Langley at 6:05 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • ok. wow. that was alot to take in i say wait for the paternity test and do exactly what you said you would do. i think both parents are resonsible but truthfully girls can be a little more aggressive at that age. that your son was resonsible but how many 12yr olds or even 14yrs have condoms ect and i am not expecting the girl have any either. just think both children are teenagers and probably very very curious and i bet they were just experimenting. have you spoken to your son about this situation. its natural to blame the boy. but i think you are a very strong person and i am sure it will all work out. good luck
    lambdarose

    Answer by lambdarose at 6:07 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • It's their fault for not watching their kids and not telling them where babies come from and partially yours for not having the sex talk with your own son. They should have been keeping a closer eye on the situation.
    Misteh

    Answer by Misteh at 5:46 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • I would wait for that paternity test to come back to start making plans. who know who else she is sleeping with
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:45 PM on Dec. 28, 2010

  • I am thinking that she raped him. I am thinking that those parents are responsible for the endangerment of the health and welfare of a minor. This totally pisses me off. If this was my son I would hall their asses to court and ask the district attorney to press charges.
    My nephews girlfriend got her self preggo (she planned it--as he was in medical school--she latched on to him) and she tried to get child support from the grandparents. The judge just laughed at her. The judge told her the father is who pays child support not the grandparents. Grandparents may be rich but it has nothing to do with a parent. So they really are gonna try that?
    mmmegan38

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 9:35 PM on Dec. 28, 2010