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3 Bumps

Serious care-taker issues or just controlling? For real.

My neighbor seems to have some serious care-taker issues. I moved in next to her in September and since then she's tried to replace me making my husband's favorite desert with hers (no kidding - I make home made banana pudding and I told her once that he was getting ready for me to make some - and I was gonna make it on the weekend - she turned up on Thur. with a bowl for him). She KEEPS trying to get me to let her take me to my doctor's appointments - right now I'm sick with flu stuff and she sent me an email (at 3AM) wanting me to tell my husband that he don't have to take me to the dr because she wants to take me. Once when I had to have an endoscopy and DH was out of town - she came to pick me up after the procedure - but then I couldn't get her to just drop me off and let me rest - she insisted on staying with me for the rest of the day - I didn't get an ounce of rest with a practical stranger in my house.

She adopted a homeless man a couple of years ago - for real a homeless, alcoholic and provides him with a place to live, contacted his family and controls everything about him, even doling out his money (that his family sends) a few dollars at a time because she don't want him buying whiskey. She decided that he was gonna quit smoking and told him - then she went and got all the patches, gum, etc and went over there every morning to "get him pilled and patched up" for the day. (I've talked to him and he seems as annoyed by this kind of stuff as I am).

Now, you won't find a nicer person, but the pushy care-taking is getting on my nerves. I told her that I'm not the kind of person who wants anyone around when I'm sick - all I need is DH - but she don't seem to care and always acts like I didn't tell her that. Her email this morning just irritated the daylights out of me (she saw DH outside yesterday and asked him why she hadn't seen me all day, so he told her I was sick and he was taking me to the dr today). Anyhow, I get an email that says "I wish you would call him and just let me take you to the dr instead".

It's starting to drive me nuts. (O on Christmas day we were out of town, just for the day, when we got home - she had came and plugged in all of our outside lights) --- see nothing she does is harmful - just seems like WAY too much meddling for me.

What in the world is wrong with her? Being nice is one thing - but ALWAYS getting up in people's business and practically forcing herself on them when they're sick (even when they're not) is, well, sick. Is it just a controlling personality or something worse?

Answer Question

Asked by ShelbyShareAlot at 7:25 AM on Dec. 29, 2010 in Relationships

Level 19 (7,281 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Oh my...she is both, a controlling caretaker. I have a hard time being rude to people's faces. But, in this might have to summon your inner bitch & tell her what's up. she has to know that she is over stepping her boundaries. I know it's easier said than done to tell someone that they're over stepping, but in this case...i think she really needs to hear it BLUNTLY, because it's obvious she didn't get the picture when you were nice about it.

    This is something i would let DH He is so good at being a dick when people get under his skin. He won't skip a beat before he would tell her to back off. The thing that sucks...she is your, you don't really want to make grudges. hmm....maybe go over there, ask her to talk & say in your friendliest way possible this "You really need to understand that we like our space & that you sometimes over step your boundaries & it needs to stop".

    Answer by samurai_chica at 7:37 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • Some people just dont take suttle hints. I would tell her thank you but you do not need her help and you will let her know if and when you do every single time she starts pushing herself on you. You can be very much to the point without being a total bitch. Body language, tone of voice and a smile generally say more then words.

    Answer by mistynights234 at 7:40 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • This woman has a psychological problem. NO normal neighbor or person interfers with someones life like she does. The homeless guy she helps is pretty much stuck with her; if he wants to continue having a home, but you are not. Buck up & just tell her flat out that you DONOT need a caretaker, that your husband takes care of you just fine. She takes WAY too many liberties already; ie: coming on your property when you're not home to plug in your lights. If you do not nip this behavior of hers in the bud right now, it will only get worse. If you give her even an inch she'll take a mile, so you must cease all contact with her if you want this to end. Get a new email address, or add hers to your blocked mail list. Block her phone number if you can too. If you cant face her alone, do it with your husband. If she wont leave you alone, you may have to take legal steps. You cant beat around the bush with someone like this.

    Answer by RubyinPA at 8:23 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • She is behaving like a neighbor would in a small town in the 50's. Send her to my neighborhoods. It is refreshing to have people actually care about others.

    Answer by tootoobusy at 8:26 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • This type of behavior borders on the obsessive, & is more than being just a helpful/nice neighbor. when you do speak to her, I'm betting she'll see it as severe rejection from you & your husband. People that are as mentally unstable as she is dont take rejection well, so be careful. Make sure your doors are locked at all times, because I wouldnt be surprized if she'd walk right into your home. do you know any of her family members? does she have any family? Has she done this with any of your other neighbors? If you do know of her family, perhaps you could speak to one of them about her behavior. Could be she has a history of mental illness. If all else fails, like I mentioned before, you may have to take drastic measures. Good luck, & I hope it works out alright for you.

    Answer by RubyinPA at 8:35 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • Wow, she makes me really glad I don't communicate with our neighbors past an occasional wave or delivering their mail that was left in our box.  I would put my foot down, don't let her take you to the doctor and when you get home, lock the door and do not let her in.  She sounds creepy crazy and I would not want her around me or my kids.


    Answer by scout_mom at 8:46 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • OP--

    I think you need to read the following link (with a number of tools and sublinks) to understand that your neighbor is displaying a Co-dependent Personality Disorder which has manifested itself in her needing to be the "caretaker" and/or "rescuer!"



    Answer by LoriKeet at 11:03 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • She sounds lonely and bored to me. Does she have ANY family that lives with her?

    Answer by Elise1968 at 11:34 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • Just tell her that you feel uncomfortable with her doing the things that she does. Ask her to respect your space and to back off.

    Answer by _Tam_ at 1:26 PM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • This women brings to mind a few horror flicks. Get her out of your life before she gets any crazier.

    Answer by momofkids at 6:09 PM on Dec. 29, 2010

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