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Should I say anything or keep my mouth shut?

Usually I am a fan of keeping my mouth shut, but I don't know about this one.

My sister's boyfriend of 4 years is a jerk. I just realized it this Christmas. He is rude to my dad and my husband and my brother. He was really snarky and mean to me this year. He just doesn't share our family values.

My mom doesn't see it. She is quite taken with him and has been putting the heat on him to marry my sister. They have been living together for 2 years and there has been no talk of an engagement. I think he is just a wrong fit in our family and he shouldn't be encouraged to marry my sister.

I think I should tell my mom to ease up and not push the marriage issue. I think a hands off approach will let my sister see that her boyfriend is NOT her forever mate. I worry if I tell my mom this she will get mad at me, but I really would feel unhappy for my sister if this was the guy she ended up with.

Answer Question
 
ecodani

Asked by ecodani at 10:31 AM on Dec. 29, 2010 in Relationships

Level 20 (9,526 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • Mind your own business. You will be made to look like the bad guy. If your mom is pressuring him hopefully he will react like most men would and not propose. Sounds like your sister has her hands full. If I were you I would kill him with kindness..... good luck mama.
    bcauseimthemom

    Answer by bcauseimthemom at 10:35 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • How does he treat her? I mean, just because he isn't the right fit for her extended family doesn't mean he isn't the right fit for her. Just a thought, there.

    If he isn't good for her, then perhaps you should talk to her about it. Why bother talking to your mom about it? She can't make the choices for your sister, so no sense stirring a hornets nest with Mom.
    SpaceToast

    Answer by SpaceToast at 10:35 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • what types of things does he do that you consider rude?

    Regardless of what you say, they are going to marry or not marry if that is their wish. I think you should keep your mouth shut, because i don't think saying anything will make any difference. People do what they want regardless. Anyhow, maybe YOU think he doesn't fit in the family, but obviously other family members do think he fits. How does your father & brother feel about it?

    Also, there is usually that one inlaw that some of the family can't stand. We have a few in our family. There is not much you can do about that & if you say something, that person might find out & resent you. My DH told his brother 2 times not to marry the women he was about to marry...and both times he married, it ended in a horrible divorce. BUT, DH's brother now has a lot of resentment towards him because he spoke up. Just know that if you do, it could cause drama now, or down the road.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 10:37 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • I think it is fine to express your concerns to your mom. Ask her if she noticed these things you saw and tell her you are a bit concerned. maybe you guys should see how things play out and not encourage their relationship to go one way or another. Your mom may not want your sister to end up alone and may not be looking at the same things you are seeing.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 10:39 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • Just spin it a little. Say something like mom they will get married when and if they become ready. If you push them to fast it could push them apart. Something like that.
    bseastrand

    Answer by bseastrand at 10:41 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • I can deal with jerks, but he might be beyond jerk.

    He said he had "given permission" to my sister to go out with me and our mom. My sister has become a total bitch since they have been living together. He controls her diet and tells her when and what to eat. He has been "training" her to be a marathon runner. He set a bed time for her.
    ecodani

    Comment by ecodani (original poster) at 10:49 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • Permission and training.... thats two controlling words... regardless, I wouldn't say a word. It doesn't matter anyway, your mom is not going to convince him to marry her if he doesn't want to and your sister will not leave unless she is ready and wants to. I would say nothing and try to stay away from the conflict.

    bjojola

    Answer by bjojola at 10:54 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • He sounds awful..but there really isn't anything you can do. They will do what they want, no matter what you say. It might even push your sister away by speaking up. It's best to just not say anything, which is hard, I know. Good luck..I wish the best for all of you.
    -AJ

    Answer by -AJ at 10:56 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • I def. think you should say something.
    cheekycherub

    Answer by cheekycherub at 11:01 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • I'd leave it alone. I know she's your sister, but you are going to create animosity with her (and potentially your mom as well) if you butt into their relationship. While you think he's a jerk and is controlling, if she seems happy with him it's not for you to say that they aren't right together.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 11:05 AM on Dec. 29, 2010

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