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3 Bumps

Spouse who battles alcohol addiction

i have been in an almost 4 year relationship with someone who is an alcoholic and also benge drug user {pference crack cocaine} My partner has been physically and emotionally abusive for the first 3 years of our relationship when drinking. When drinking, if he was not physically abusive, it would be extreme vulgarity, embarrassing behavior in public, and/or the emotional abuse. It had been the roller coaster relationship...Great at times making me feel on top of the world, but when it was bad..it was hell.
CPS ended up stepping in and removing me and my children from our home. I moved to another state with my family and he stayed behind, then out of the blue in September he decided to move here.{cps out of the picture now} He has had one PI since, and been drunk about 4 or 5 times that I know of since hes been here. The drinking majorly slowed down...and we were making a lot of progress. We still do not live together, because I'm taking things slow to see how he proves himeself.
Well last night, the place that he lives has much too much ciggerette smoke and my family does not invite him in, so being that I was having a bad day I wanted to get a hotel so we could relax with the kids together and watch movies. I had been bitchy all day and the day before because I'm having a really bad cycle. Also, he always wants to talk about sex or have sex..I'm not in the mood for that obviously...and I was bitching because I also feel like hes too sexual..and cant be serious when I need him to be serious.Sex is on his brain every second...so
We get to the hotel and we're laughing. He's teasing me about me bitching at him for "wanting sex all the time". Our room didn't have a microwave and the rooms at that hotel usually have a fridge and microwave...so he says he's going to see about getting one. 30 minutes later....i call and he's in the hotel bar...cant find the room..I flip out on him when he got back. I felt so hurt and upset..and he claimed only one beer...which was beside the point....so of course...in his "one beer" fashion he says i'm just like my mom {bitch} calls me his ex wifes name..and pulls the doctor jeckyl mr hide. one second i love you im sorry, the next second literally..a second i hate you, i hope you die...name calling.
so...then he tells me you made me do this..i gotta go out and get a microwave..{ok...right...not drunk huh}....so he's gone for atleast an hour or more this second time...the hotel security or whatever he was brought him down to the room. I had to run to the store...so this time I was just trying to be nice to not set him off...so i ask if theres anything he wants...he tells me he hates me, to go to hell with my mom.. and he hops i die..seriuosly after me saying...and this is not exageration..after me asking if he wants anything from the store...he throws he phone at me a few times. of course i take the kids with me...anyhow fast forward to 4 am when he wakes and is furious..he then makes me do sexual things because he wont let me sleep...so..of course i hate him at this point and dont want to have sex..but im so tired from all the bullshit..i know i will never get to go to sleep until i do this and he passes out....
ok, so it's obvious he's never going to change...
but the pain today...
i'm heartbroken...
i feel like a fool and what's worse is that he doesn't even understand the magnitude of what he did...he had different exscuses...he didn't want to come to the hotel anyways...i was a bitch all day...its not that big a deal..can we start over and not fight...tried to downplay it....
i'm so hurt. does anyone know a good support group because i realize that i have a lot of unfinished healing to do. i cry often...flooded by past memories..
this is the man that supposedly loves me...
and in all his own pain, he's caused me so much pain, thank god my kids are 2 and under and he hasn't damaged them yet and im not going to let him.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:30 PM on Dec. 29, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • There are support groups here on cafemom for this (go to Groups page and type "addiction" or "alcoholism" into the search bar). In real life, you can seek support from Al-Anon.
    FYI, please don't blame yourself in any way for this. Your man will NEVER be the man you want/need him to be until the day he gets sober and actively participates in a recovery process of some sort. He can't control his drinking, he will never be a recreational drinker, and you need to understand that so you aren't lulled into thinking he can be a responsible drinker.
    I'm sorry for your pain.
    vicesix

    Answer by vicesix at 3:35 PM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • You should try Alanon for people who are with or around an addict or alcoholic this helps with all of those emotions and helps you get people to support you. GL Momma
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 4:06 PM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • omg this is soooo long.
    Bugzmomma

    Answer by Bugzmomma at 4:44 PM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • I also recommend Alanon, you will never be able to deal with and come to terms with his alcoholism until you fully understand it and can have some help and neutral outside influence on how if effects you and will effect your children for many many years to come. The lifestyle that you have described is incredibly destructive to you and your children.
    AshleyBishop06

    Answer by AshleyBishop06 at 5:12 PM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

    check out this website and hopefully you will find some resources that are helpful to you.
    AshleyBishop06

    Answer by AshleyBishop06 at 5:16 PM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • You need to keep him out of your life, supervised visitation with the children. I just left my BF of 4 years for the SAME THING (alcoholic but not drug abuser). I am done with it - it will not get better.
    tasches

    Answer by tasches at 5:16 PM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • thanks, so much for your replies. i know it will not get better. This was the trial peirod and he failed. I cant believe that I have gone through it for so long. I felt so much guilt that I didn't leave when i was pregnant. He beat me when I was pregnant, he could have hurt the babies. Things would go great for a bit of course, then go back to hell again.
    Time to move on, time to heal. This is therapy for me, being able to talk to others who have been through the same.
    Whether or not there is a man out there that will treat me right is irrelevant to me. I'm not looking for it. The only concern to me is that I can raise my children to be happy, stable individuals with dreams and goals. I never want either or them to experience this kind of relationship, nor see the ugliness of it. Breaking the cycle would start with me of course, since most of us are a product of our enviroment.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:10 PM on Dec. 29, 2010

  • I'm trying to find your question. I'm sorry he's a douche.
    _Tam_

    Answer by _Tam_ at 3:27 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

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