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How do you gt over the empty feeling of adoption?

I am 24 yrs old and have 3 children. twin girls are 2 and my son just turned 4. We could not afford to have another child so we gave our baby up to a beautiful couple of my choice. I got to meet with them and knew I was blessing their family. I was living off of $661 a month. AFDC.. and still was buying diapers for my little ones as well as trying to cover all the bills and car gas. I gave her up knowing I was doing the best thing for her. Now..4 months later.. I feel like a piece of me is missing. My Fiance found a job and everything is coming together and I cant help but wonder.. what if I would have waited on the adoption to see if we could make it with her. I had so much love for her that I gave her to a family whom I knew could take care of her but now Im wishing she was here ... what thoughts could I think of or what can I do to try to fill the emptiness I'm feeling inside?

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heatherjmk

Asked by heatherjmk at 1:25 AM on Dec. 30, 2010 in Adoption

Level 4 (45 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • try to feel that u found ur little angel a good home..u r so blessed that u could have children..they are so many ppl who want 1 but cannot have 1 kid..u did the best u could couple months back..dont feel bad about it,because u did not know that ur condition was going to change finacially..god bless u..
    mehakharish

    Answer by mehakharish at 1:29 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • Oh wow. I have nothing to offer but hugs. I can't imagine placing a child after already having kids. I placed my firstborn, but I wasn't with the sperm donor and didn't meet my hubby til later so I didn't have anyone else it impacted like that. Have you sought counseling, whether in a group setting through an adoption agency, or privately thorugh an agency, or just with a regular counselor of some sort, or even another birthmom or someone else you trust? If it's only been 4 months I imagine you could be going through a bit of PPD as well. Talk to your doctor/ob, talk to a counselor of some sort, and go from there. I wish I had more to offer but like I said, different situation so I'm don't know exactly how you feel. Hugs mama!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:29 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • It is tragic that in the worlds' richest nation, financial coercion is forcing women to surrender their children, to dismember their own families. I am sorry that you were forced to surrender your infant. It is not fair to you or to your family, and no, the pain never goes away. You are just at the beginning of it. If you were never told about the risk of lifelong unresolved grief, depression, and PTSD, then the agency lied to you and committed fraud.

    http://www.originscanada.org/adoption-trauma-the-damage-to-relinquishing-mothers/
    Cedartrees4

    Answer by Cedartrees4 at 2:18 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I'm so sorry for your loss, I placed my first born for adoption when I was 18. I've found nothing takes away the emptiness. Thinking of all your child will be given and the loving family can help mask the pain, however the pain and emptiness never disappear. It ebbs and flows and we learn to cope. In my case it simply got worse year after year and severe depression took over. Unfortunately no one is ever told the mental and emotional risks of adoption in order to prepare for it. Your daughter will always be a part of you. Be honest in your feelings don't mask them, accept them and find healthy ways to cope, it will be lifetime filled the ups and downs. I would recommend counseling by a therapist outside of an agency one with experience with birth mothers and grief counseling, they can help you process the feelings and find ways that will help you cope with your feelings of loss, anger, sadness, and regret. **HUGS**
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 11:50 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • Heather, HUGS, my sister;) To survive the storm , one must go THROUGH the storm. Allow your pain, my goodness, you have surrendered a piece of you, this IS un-natural, and there is nothing more painful that being a Mother without her child, nothing! Empty arms and broken heart goes hand in hand with the surrender of a child. I wish I could take your pain and bannish it forever, but I cannot. My pain exist even 24 yrs later, it simply has just become a "part" of me. Some days will be worse than others, you have a long journey my friend. Please come visit us in the "Birthmom" group,where you can vent ,cry, listen, laugh and love with the rest fo us, we are always here for you, Blessings, and Serenity,CJ
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 2:44 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • So sorry. I gave my baby away 22 years ago and I still feel what you call "the empty feeling of adoption" even though we've been reunited. Your story is the reason why we warn women not to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Sorry it is too late for you.

    You have lost a child and you need to go through the grieving process. She if you can find a therapist to help you. If you used an agency, they should, or the adoptive parents should pay for it for you. If you end up with a therapist that tells you to focus on the couple and their child, then get a different therapist.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 2:53 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I'm so very sorry. I agree, you need to grieve properly, dear. I can't imagine being in your position - my heart is aching for you. Please do seek a therapist who will help you for YOU. OneThenTwins has great suggestions about therapists. Best of luck to you.
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 1:10 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • Im afraid to talk to a therapist because Im afraid of them telling me to just get over it. I have tryed everything from looking at the good side of it.. shes safe and in a great couples arms.. shes well taken care of.. but im still lactating and cry every time I see, or even hear a small baby cry. I look around my house and wonder "where could I put her?" I wonder what it would feel like to hold her, see her smile .. let me tell you whats destroying me the most.. the adoptive couple walked out of the hospital for a while to go do some last minute shopping before their trip back home, and the nurses brought her into me so I could have some one on one time with her. They gave me that shot for pain because i had a c section, and then handed her to me.. I looked at her feet, and then wrapped her back up and had maybe 5 minutes alone with her before the shot kicked in and I could barely see her.. then they took her away from me
    heatherjmk

    Comment by heatherjmk (original poster) at 1:32 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • A therapist who is experienced in helping first mothers grieve and begin to heal would never tell you to just get over it. I can't imagine anyone expecting you to - you're in a difficult situation - you love your little girl - you miss her and you have the self doubt that we women are filled with after making such a huge decision.
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 1:40 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • Oh mama, my heart aches for you. I know that pain and feel that pain 13/14 years later. If I could turn back time I would and would do whatever I could to keep my daughter to not feel the pain.
    Please come join us in birthmoms group. It is somewhat helpful to have a group know how you are feeling and won't try to minimize or negate your feelings.
    kclarsh

    Answer by kclarsh at 2:42 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

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