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3 Bumps

Can you answer my poll about the term "First Mother"?

I posted a question over in the "Newcomers Club" about the term "first mother," what it implies to you -- Please come and answer it.

"The term "First Mother" -- what do you think?"

Answer Question

Asked by Cedartrees4 at 2:04 AM on Dec. 30, 2010 in Adoption

Level 6 (112 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • I use that term sometimes. Sometimes I say (especially to my 9 yr old because she recalls life before us) "other mom". Sometimes, with her, I follow her lead and refer to her first mom as her first name. DS has a special name he calls his first mom. Sometimes I say birthmom. Sometimes I say biological mom.

    One big thing we don't say here is "real mom" - we're both real, both important. Because of that - I voted concurrent in your pole. We're both still mothers - our roles are just different. Even if there isn't an open adoption, I feel both are still a mother to the child.

    I like to see how people feel about the different terms and stuff. Knowledge is power :) right??!

    It seems like no matter what you choose, someone has a strong reason why that option is offensive to them - and I think this is a personal preference.

    Answer by AAAMama at 3:17 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I use the term First Mom anytime that CJ is on my mind in particular (when posting or replying and especially when it's her post). I use the term Natural Mom when Cedar or VP are on my mind in particular (especially when it's their post). I use the term birth mom (never birthmother) when SR, OTT, and several others are on my mind in particular. I use the term First/Birth/Natural mom (in no particular order) when I don't want to take the chance of offending any of my friends who have relinquished children (willingly or unwillingly). I have been trying to say moms who have relinquished children or moms who lived without raising their children in some instances. I would hope that it's clear that I have a LOT of affection, emotion, and respect for all the women who I am friends with who fall into these categories, and that I would NEVER intentionally try to offend or hurt ANYONE :)

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:57 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • Just voted on your poll and I now understand why you are asking. Definitely in my mind, the First Mother is the one who was there FIRST, who gave birth to the child, and is still definitely the child's mother forever. Adoption, divorce, death cannot change that. "Life" causes many children to experience changes in their families due to the circumstances that I mentioned, but the child would not exist were it not for the woman who carried him/her in her own body and I try to respect whatever term she chooses. :)

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:04 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I AM A BIRTHMOTHER I freaking HATE your "term".

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:36 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • Anon: I AM A BIRTHMOTHER I freaking HATE your "term".

    That's why everyone tries to use the term the mother (or child) uses. If I were talking to you, Anon, I'd refer to you as a birth mother. No one intends to offend, yet it invariably happens. :(

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 12:04 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • Anon: 'I AM A BIRTHMOTHER I freaking hate your 'term". I am sorry you have this much pent up anger/ guilt, but truly you should find a different direction to place these feelings. I would suggest even reading some books, to try and help you sort out why "you hate this term". Now, CEDAR, as to the question asked:) I am my twin sons' First/Natural Mother, they had a Mom who was Blessed enough to raise and Love them(only guessing here ), and they have Aways had me who continues to Love them! I will ALWAYS be their First/Natural Mom. Once a Mother ,always a cannot become an 'un-mother', nor should one want to. Their Mom who was lucky enough to have money to procure them, was also lucky enough to be their Mother, but Not, by Natural means. I refuse to use the term "Birthmom", because it IS and WAS intended to nullify the existence of the First Mom in the eyes of the Mother who adopts, to make her FEEL "real"! CJ

    Answer by ceejay1 at 1:57 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I can say, in all honesty, that I never use the term "birthmom" to make myself forget or feel like the other mom of my children doesn't exist. Typically, if I use that term it's because I'm speaking to someone who would understand it and I don't have time (or depending upon who I'm speaking with the inclination) to give a dissertation on acceptable adoption language. I (keep in mind my adopted children were not domestic adoptions, but through foster care) have warm affection and feelings for my children's other mothers - even if their choices and decisions were not healthy or wise for my kids. They do still love them, they just have struggles and weren't able to raise them. I guess, for me, I'm secure enough in myself that I don't need to use one term or another to validate myself. I know who I am to my kids - and I'm ok with sharing.

    Answer by AAAMama at 2:11 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • AAAMama, your such a Blessing and how refreshing to hear this explanation from a Mother who has indeed given a child(ren) a home who NEEDED one, along with Love, as opposed to a woman who NEEDED a baby to fulfill the need to be a mother. It is indeed a "real" Mom who can live your journey, and feel secure in knowing a child can never have too many people to Love them, regardless of how your family came about, and this includes having 2 Moms,Blessings,CJ

    Answer by ceejay1 at 2:51 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I don't really care too much about labels or names. As long as it is not offensive I could care less. When a person uses a term deliberately to insight anger, to be mean, or to be hurtful.  I find it slightly irksome and somewhat amusing when the term adopters comes up.  Because it is deliberately meant to insight and be mean spirited.  Birth mother, first mother, natural mother, mother....none of those is meant to be deliberately hurtful or insightful.  I am rather bored sometimes with the identifying and clarifying which side of the triad I am on.  I'm a mother.  A woman who placed her child for adoption....a mother.  It doesn't erase her motherhood membership.  Nor am I a false mother because I am a mother through adoption.  I recognize that for the purpose of this forum sometimes it is helpful to clarify why you have come to your point of view.    However,


    Answer by frogdawg at 10:04 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • there is no way to please all people all the time. One term acceptable to some is offensive perhaps to others. If you want me to use birth mother, first mother, adoptive mother....I'll use what ever terminology you imply by your posts you prefer.


    Answer by frogdawg at 10:07 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

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