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Custody Quesiton

I was trying to conceive with my boyfriend at the time. We had been friends for 7 years. I thought I could trust him. He took off with another girl, told me several different times he didn't want anything to do with me or this baby. I didn't talk to him for months. I attempted to contact him on Facebook but he blocked me. A mutual friend called his bluff and he decided out of no where to call me and ask to meet up. For the baby's sake and at the advice of my friends and family, I did. He said he was glad we talked and excited for the baby. The very next day he was back to horrible text messages and telling me his life would be perfect without me in it. I ignored him. Again, the same thing with texts last night.

He goes from saying he wants nothign to do with the baby, to once saying he wants to be there for the baby, to saying that he thinks we should talk to more, to saying that he wants nothing to do with supporting me and will only be around when the baby is there. THE ONLY REASON I have talked to him the few times I have is to ensure he cannot use me as an excuse for not being there for his child. He is also denying paternity which is TOTALLY absurd.

My question: He won't be there when the baby is born. His name will not be on the certificate. And once the entire proccess of establishing paternity is done, the baby will be around a year old. He thinks once paternity is established, he will automatically be granted rights. As far as I know, this is totally, 100% not true. I also plan on drug testing him. Can anyone offer me advice on how all of this works? I have a friend who's boyfriend had to deal with all this and he isn't going to be granted custody for years, if at all. But that is the only person or case I know of. Can anyone tell me (recently because laws change) their own experiences or their knowledge on the matter.

I am terrified and I just cannot emotional handel anymore contact with him. Thanks.

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Asked by poweredbycarma at 5:12 AM on Dec. 30, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 6 (104 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • The question is, do you really want him around? Is he really going to be the father he's supposed to be to your child?
    From personal experience, go to the hospital, have your baby, and leave the father off the birth certificate. Say you simply don't know who it is or where to even begin to look. If he's denying the child already, he's going to make your life a living hell, trust me. Do this for yourself and for your child. You WILL find another man who will love you and want to be with you for the rest of your life. In return, he'll accept your child as his own. The last think you'll want is your bi-polar ex to mess up even more than what he already has. GL

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:28 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I don't have personal experience to share but i believe you are correct. It will take him a while to establish paternity and rights, etc. You say he has denied his paternity.. save those emails or txts if you can for back up support to establish his trends if you wind up in court. He does have rights once things are established but that also includes paying child support and maintaining consistency. This probably isn't going to be fun... thought for you tho.. when he is in the non=involved mood and doesn't want anything to do with the baby ask him if he'd want to sign away his parental rights... he may be interested in that as it keeps him from paying child support and gives you full custody.. might work

    Answer by Camilletnt at 5:56 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • Thanks. I actually asked him today, as I have beyond reached my breakng point in dealing with this mess. He of course, ignored the question. I am pretty sure someone is instigating his responses... I have no idea how he could be so different EVERY single conversation. I actually went back to find e-mails for proof. He stated "that child isn't mine no matter what anyone says. It's not mine. I refuse to have any ties to a saintanic bitch like you"..... after 7years of the closest friendship in the world... this is what I am... I wish there was a stop button for hurt so I could proccess the actually legal issues and not worry abour proccessing the emotional issues.

    Comment by poweredbycarma (original poster) at 6:36 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • You have to seperate the legal from the emotional. He was not who you thought he was and he is not what you want him to be.
    Organize everything and write it down. For you and the baby take care of yourself. Prepare for life without him.

    Answer by tootoobusy at 7:27 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I wish you luck and I am sorry you are going through this.

    But, be warned, once paternity is established, unless you can prove he is extremely unfit, he most likely will be given some form of visitation. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, I just want you prepared that this might happen.

    Answer by layh41407 at 7:41 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • well do you want paternity to be established? once you go for support he probably will want visitations but even with out support he can still go to court to get visitation because they are separate issues. i moved out of state right after my dd was born. the father said the same thing to me in emails. he wanted nothing to do with her and all these things. he would also ignore me when i brought up paternity rights. just go for support for your child and if you can go to a lawyer and establish custody as soon as you can. i never did this part and its just hanging over my head. go to legal aid if you can't afford an family lawyer. its all about the child now. good luck

    Answer by lambdarose at 8:08 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • 1. Don't CALL period. Not at all. The baby is not born there is not connection.
    2. No you don't have to put him on the b.c. and he would have to get proof on his own. And inmany states they won't put the fathers name unless HE signs the b.c. anyways.
    3. HOWEVER, if you truly don't want him to have "rights" then you can't get aid OR go for C.S.
    4. many states are moving from "custody" to "shared parenting" anyways and just doing %... either way if you go C.S. and he is assigned it then he WILL get visitation if he asks for it (even if he doesn't pay)
    Most importantly... Do NOT NOT NOT call him.

    Answer by MamiJaAyla at 10:10 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • wake up up up !!!! stop contacting him. i know it hurts it sucks but trying to make a man be a father will not happen.. leave him alone, focus on you and your baby ....good luck

    Answer by sunflower39346 at 10:25 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

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