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2 Bumps

i need to vent!!! i hope someone will understand my POV, cause my hubby doesn't! very long, sorry!

so my husband and i have 3 children together, ages 4, 2, and 11 months. his sister has a daughter as well, our niece, who's 3. his niece lives in another state with her dad (sil gave up custody of her just a few short months ago and only gets her on holidays now, IF she even wants her) and she's here visiting for the holiday. now i know my mil has a sweetspot for her (the 3 year old) because she's the first grandbaby (the 4 year old has a different father, not hubby) and she doesn't get to see her much. BUT - the favoritism she's shown her has gone on since day 1, when my niece was here all the time before sil gave her up to her ex husband. if i went into the longlist of how she shows favoritism to her id be here all day. but just a few examples - around easter of this year, she took niece to an easter egg hunt her brother (my uncle in law) had and didn't bother to invite our kids. she also took her to a funeral when my niece was 2, and then one day when i asked her to babysit our youngest who was just 6 months at the time, she couldn't cause she had a different funeral to go. (wouldnt it be much easier to take a 6 month old who sits in a carseat to a funeral than a 2 year old?) and last night really was the straw that broke the camel's back.

we went to a bonfire my uncle in law had, had smores and stuff like that. mil sat in a chair and held our baby most of the night, and she wanted each girl to roast their own marshmallow on the fire. well, she took pictures of everyone, but mine were all of their backsides. she made DAMN sure that she got SEVERAL of my niece's face, she kept asking her to come over and roast another for a picture. that might not bother some, but it sure as hell bothered me. why is it so damn important to get a perfect picture of her and give no shit about how the ones of my kids turn out? hubby's excuse was well i took my own pictures and sil didn't, so mil wanted some good ones of our niece. that alone says yea, mil wants good pics of niece ONLY.

then, uncle in law brought out some fake snow to play in. niece hogged the whole pile to herself, and i was the only one standing there monitoring them. my 4 year old kept saying "stop, she's not sharing" etc etc. mil asked "who is that?" and sil said "its lily (my daughter) being a crab." and so i said "yea, cause your daughter's not sharing." and sil said "lily, youre the oldest why don't you do something about it?" i was LIVID. i held my tongue though. i just told all the girls if they can't share im taking all of the snow away.

what bothered me most is i know my 4 year old feels it. she was very quiet and somewhat cranky last night, not her usual self. i dont think this is right and i especially dont ever want her feeling left out or less special to her grandma than her cousin.

so tomorrow, hubby and i are going to a wedding reception. we had originally planned for his mom to watch our oldest, thinking the 3 and 4 year old would play well together and have fun. and my mom would watch our 2 and 11 month old. well after last night, my mom agreed to take my 4 and 2 year old and mil can take the baby. she favors the baby out of our children anyway. now i know i have caused extra family drama by doing this, because i straight up told my mil that my daughter wants to go with nana instead cause cadence (the 3 year old) doesn't share. and i dont want anyone having a bad time while im gone or feeling left out. it may have been a rude/bitchy thing to do, but the needs/feelings of my kids come before my mil's. my husband totally doesn't want to see it. he never has, and this isn't the first time favoritism has reared it's ugly head. part of me believes he favors his niece too. i know that sounds crazy/stupid, but you'd really have to witness to see it.

would you have changed the plans as well in this situation? am i overreacting? being too much of a mama bear? i dont feel bad for re-arranging the plans.. i just want to know if this was a bad move. my mom agrees with me, because she can see the favoritism as well. what do you all think? honest answers/opinions are greatly appreciated. thanks in advance :)

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 9:59 AM on Dec. 30, 2010 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • You did the right thing. Not only that. I'd be avoiding that side of the family from here on out. They've made it more than clear that you wouldn't be missed.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:03 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • In a nutshell
    The relationship you have with your husband is NOT the same that she has with her son. You'll never change the fact that she is his mother. He the son is not the same person as He the husband.
    You cannot change what other people do, only your reaction to what they do.
    Life is too short to put up with BS, do what you need to do to keep you and the kids happy and your family together regardless of what a MIL bitch is doing.
    Ignore her and her actions, and carry on sweetly my dear.
    jewjewbee

    Answer by jewjewbee at 10:04 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I get how you feel because of your children but think of your porr neice. She only sees this side of the family on holidays, her mother practically gave her away, and your family only gets to see her when she is around. It is a tough situation. I think it would be fair to talk to your mil about the feeling of favoritism among your kids but not with your neice. Your neice isn't as lucky as your children are to be loved so unconditionally by their mother.

    In the end I think you need to do what you think is best for your kids and I think I would have maybe taken all the kids to my moms and tell MIL you wanted to give her extra time with your neice. You may not care about her feelings but she is your DH's mom and when you marry a man you marry his family so tread lightly.
    melissasue38

    Answer by melissasue38 at 10:18 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • No, but you have to remember you can't change the way a person feels.

    If someone is not treating your children fairly then you must take action...

    My mil favored her younger son, although he was never there for her. I believe it is because they feel they are needed. You have your children, and the little girl does not have her mom... That must be hurtful. I can't imagine my mom giving me up. How the grandma must feel about the little girl, not being with her mom.

    You have to look at both sides of the picture.... She probably does not even realize she is doing it. She wants the granddaughter to know she is loved, even though she is not there.

    Good luck, sometimes you must bite your tounge, or try and explain to the grandma that she makes them feel left out, and you probably see it more then them, don't make a big deal out of it, just try to make grandma aware of it.....

    KFree907

    Answer by KFree907 at 10:10 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • Im sorry your little one is feeling like this.....My sister was the first grandbaby and then I came in next...my grandma always put my sister on a flipin pedistol and I hated it....she would go shopping with her and not me a bunch more stuff for christmas and one or 2 for me, she w ould just do so many different things with my sister and I could never go. I hated it...she got new clothes I got all of her old clothes and never anything new. Its hard and it hurts. I think it was a good thing that you changed the plans but I also think that things will change a bit when your nice goes back home out of state....I wouldnt make a big deal about it because since DH dosnt see it then it will cause major problems with the two of you....trust me it happened to my parents...my mom was blind to the whole thing....so my dad would give me a little more attention then my sister (daddy daughter fishing trips lol) but dont worry 2 much...
    Shelii

    Answer by Shelii at 10:24 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I totally understand what you are saying. I see this with my own mother and her grandchildren. My mother favors my niece, and my DD gets the short end of the stick. My sister is a POS mother and her DD needs extra attention according to my mother, b/c I am there for my DD and she gets lots of love and attention from her Mom and Dad and my niece gets very little attention from her mother and none from her Father. I don't think it is fair that one child gets more or less just b/c they have 2 loving parents to care for them.
    coala

    Answer by coala at 10:30 AM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • you did what was right for your kids they wanted to be with your mom no your mother in law that is there choice
    Ricanmami1

    Answer by Ricanmami1 at 1:59 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • you got some good answers today, GL, I wish you the best. Sadly, letting my kids see my inlaws for what they really are was the only thing I could do and they choose to not spend time with them. It definitely took alot of the stress off of me let alone any guilt that may have been thrown my way in the future. Hopefully, you will come to the right decision sooner than as long as I waited.
    jewjewbee

    Answer by jewjewbee at 3:00 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • The best thing to do in a situation like this is to just stay away. Like a previous responder said, you can't control what ppl do, only how you react to it. If it is that evident that your MIL shows favoritism to certain grandchildren over others, then let her come to your house and see your children where they won't have to compete. Make sure that if you voice your feelings to your husband that your children don't hear. This is a personal matter and your children should not feel that they have done anything wrong or that they are not deserving of equal time or attention from your MIL. Also, your MIL is your husband's mother. There will always be a bond there. Although your MIL may not be acting fairly, it is not your husband's fault. Don't ever ask him to choose between him or you. (not that you have, just sayin) Let there be peace w/o drama as much as possible. It may be hurtful, but is the best thing in the end.
    etexmom

    Answer by etexmom at 11:40 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • i get what you're saying jewjewbee, but it seems what i need to do to keep the kids happy is keep them away from mil. i can see that it's starting to affect my 4 year old, and i will not let that happen.
    tnm786

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 10:09 AM on Dec. 30, 2010