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Maybe I'm not fully educated on this situation....

I have been working with a adoption lady for my baby due in feb. I wanted to protect my baby and know shes raised safe away from the abusive father...but now I dont know if I can let her go...I feel like these next few months are all I have left. I don't know what to expect, feel, and how to make up my mind?????

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Asked by mocamomma22 at 6:54 PM on Nov. 10, 2008 in Adoption

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Answers (12)
  • If you feel that you need to keep her then keep her. Go to court and petition to keep the abusive father away from you and your baby. If he truly is abusive and you can prove your case with witnesses or doctor reports, it will establish a restraining order. Go and apply for any type of assistance the state has to offer. You don't need to surrender your baby in order to protect your baby. If you are having doubts, it means that adoption was not meant for you and your baby. Your baby needs you, not a fancy home and soccer lessons.

    Answer by randi1978 at 6:59 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • Find a way to keep your baby. If you're having doubts now, don't do it.
    There is another cafemom member who had a situation similiar to yours . . .

    Please reach out to her and hear her story before you make any decisions.
    And remember adoption does not guarantee your child will be free from abuse. There are children who were adopted that were abused. Follow your heart. If it tells you to keep your baby than do it. The very fact that you have already considered living a life of loss for your child proves what a great mom you are and will be.

    Answer by casjoh at 9:23 PM on Nov. 10, 2008

  • Please find out your other options and really think about if adoption is the right decision for you. I would like nothing more than to adopt, but not at the expense of putting someone else through a lifetime or at least 18 years of hurt. And, also this website is full of women talking about how they were pressured, tricked, talked into, surrendering their babies. I think they boil down to, "I rushed and made a bad decision and have to blame it on someone." Like I said, I am one of those mom's praying for an adoption, but NOT because the child's mother was pressured or feels like she is obligated to make an adoption plan for her baby. Remember also, just because you let your baby be adopted doesn't mean you will never have a relationship with her. Just get all the information you can before you make your decision. ;-)

    Answer by RentaMom at 10:50 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Rentamom, I am appalled by your crass statement..I hope you are not an adoptive parent. " Have someone to blame it on". " I rushed and made a bad decision"..ATTENTION ALL MOTHERS THINKING OF RELINQUISHING A CHILD...RENTAMOM IS ONE TO STAY AWAY FROM.!!!!! I hope you show your true self in your homestudy and with the social workers. Please do ALL of us Firstmoms a favor, tell us right off the starting line....You are making a bad decision and just need someone to blame...Please tell them ! I pray you are not of the same thinking of my twin sons parents, I pray they are of kinder human compassion!

    Answer by ceejay1 at 11:59 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • If you want to keep her, then keep her. Go to the county and see what they could do to keep the 'sperm donor' away from you two. Go to local church's, community centers, and county to see what kind of financial support programs they have to help you out. Adoption is a life changing decision and will effect you for the rest of your life. I highly siggest checking out the Birthmoms group here on cafemom. Here is the link, just copy and paste it into your browser:

    Take care!

    Answer by BobMariah at 4:20 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • I think you need to talk to someone who can be unbiased about this. Adoption workers only get paid when the family gets your baby, so don't fully trust everything she says. Yes, she wants to help you, but her intentions cannot possibly be in your best interest.
    My family is looking into adoption, but only through foster care because I've learned a lot from being on cafemom and it scares me that a mom might relinquish her baby for the wrong reasons.

    Answer by christyg at 6:32 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • ~~ Is there a way that you AND the baby can get away from the abusive father? I hope that you are not planning on staying in this disfunctional relationship! Please leave him and make a better life for yourself. If that means that somebody else raises your baby for you, then try to find someone willing to keep the adoption OPEN, so you can always have access to knowing how YOUR child is growing, learning, etc.
    ~~I think the end of the pregnancy is when reality hits you that you will actually have a baby soon, regardless of whether you keep it or not. I think it's good to ponder all your options.

    Answer by christyg at 6:32 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • "I think they boil down to, "I rushed and made a bad decision and have to blame it on someone."

    Rentamom...that is a gross generalization, in how a mother may come to surrender her baby for adoption. For starters, many mothers contemplating adoption once they give birth are most significantly 'rushed' to surrender by the adoption agency, social worker, adoption attorney or the PAPs themselves, before she may change her mind and not want to surrender her baby. There are still many coercive tactics utilized today to 'rush' a young mother to surrender.

    Answer by LilLizaJane at 9:42 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Thank you. All the advice means so much to me, it's hard and I do think my lady is just tryin to do her job but she said that its normal to be in this much pain.. I don't think emotionally how I feel is normal I think its a sign to back out..I'm not around the "sperm donor" and am starting domestic abuse counsling this week actually which will help but I mean there are lots of you with two three kids doin it on your own I have so much respect for you ladies I just fear to struggle for the rest of my life... I mean I can still keep my dreams... it'll just have a better happy ending right?:)

    Answer by mocamomma22 at 11:49 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Yes it is not easy to have more then one child I hae 5 and a husband and it is hard. We wereyoung when we had our first child togeather and we put all of our dreams aside. Would I advice that "No" it is possible to goto school work and still raise a family. Hell I did it with 5 kids and it as difficult. But today I have a degree and a job. THe extra income is great. My kids are happy either way.
    If you decide to surrender you daughter you will face a life time of greif. It is worse then death, you do not have the closer. Open Adoptions close as soon asa you sign the papers. Legally the Aparents can do what ever they want. Think about this long and hard. Do not make any decisions till after the birth, take her home and see if it is something you can do. Good Luck.....

    Answer by Jacemom at 7:20 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

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