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Is it cheating?

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 kids. A few months ago he started a facebook account and started to find lots of old friends, along with a few ex-girlfriends. Not really that big of a deal to me but then there was this one girl who he really cared about before we were together, she had strong feelings for him too but she hadn't been ready for a serious relationship. He still had feelings for her but he moved on, he met me and we got married. Now that girl sent him a friend request and he accepted. Not that big of a deal yet. We are usually very open with each other about things so he let me read the messages that were sent between them. I got kind of upset with a few things that were said that seemed too flirty or suggestive. At that point he said he would take her off his facebook if it bothered me that much. While I was uncomfortable with it I didn't want to tell him who he could or couldn't have as a friend although I did tell him I don't think I could handle any other sort of communication between them. So about 2 weeks ago she sent him her phone number and he told me he had no intention of calling her and I believed him. Then I noticed that there really weren't too many facebook messages anymore and I asked him if he had heard from her he said no. I was feeling really uneasy and suspicious so since his cell phone is in my name I checked the phone records, I know it's kind of sneaky but I needed to know. I found 8 phone calls and 105 text messages over a 2 day period. When I confronted him about it he got defensive, not because I checked but because he got caught, he said he didn't tell me about it because he didn't want me to be upset. I asked him what they talked about and he said nothing important, and said he didn't see the difference between that and facebook. After a while I couldn't talk to him anymore so I walked away to go calm down. When I came back he said he sent her a message saying that he couldn't talk to her anymore and removed her from his friends list then she sent a rather vindictive message back. In her message she mention things that he had told her and it wasn't "nothing important" it was extremely private and personal. She ended the message by saying "The truth is, if you two didn't have kids, you wouldn't be together...thats what you said. That must be some fucked up marriage! Have a great miserable life together, and don't ever contact me again. I've been hurt by you too many times now."
I feel betrayed and I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't know if I can trust him when he tells me how sorry he is, that he loves me and that he would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. He said he never saw her and therefore didn't do anything with her, which I do believe because he was at work or with me during all this time. But I don't know if I should believe that he had no intention of ever seeing her. It's been 2 days since I confronted him and he seems to think I should be over it by now but I can't there are just too many things going through my head. He keeps saying "I don't know what else I can do, I can't undo it, and I won't ever talk to her again or anyone else you don't feel comfortable with me talking to." I guess I am posting this because I just need to hear what other people think of all of this but I really don't want to publicize it to my friends or family.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:36 PM on Dec. 30, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • You said, he said he would never call her? But he did? That is lying right their. Not about something small either. About talking to another female. To me he had an emotional affair. Sometime just as bad as a fiscal affair.  Tell him how you feel about it.  It might not be a big deal to him. But it is to you. I think you should keep an eye on him.


    Answer by louise2 at 3:47 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I think that he said he wouldn't do this or that and yet he did. And as hard as it is to face he WAS calling her and texting. 105 messages?? I know that when these things happen we try to make excuses for it but I think alot of the time we know but just can't face the hurt. I think that he did wrong even if he didn't sleep with her. I think you need to both go to counseling and work on whatever it is that got you both to where you are. I know that my DH would not be doing what your DH was because 1. He doesn't want to see anyone else. 2. he has me if he needs to talk to someone. 3. He knows it is wrong. You need to find out why your DH did what he did. I hope it works out for you.

    Answer by sue118 at 3:59 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • Didn't you just ask this question??

    Answer by _Tam_ at 4:24 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • Actually I posted this one first but when I got an answer to it and clicked the link from my email it said the question had been deleted so I posted again. Not sure what happened but apparently this one wasn't deleted.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:17 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • It is weird because I just went thought the same thing less than 3 months ago and I am about to leave him. I can tell you it is really hard to trust him again. I did give my hubby a second chance but he didn't really appreciated it. Emotional affair is worse than physical affair. I Google it. I understand how much it hurts you, but if it is the first time this happens, and you know he is a good father, husband, provider, I'd give him another chance but be very specific what he needs to do to gain your trust again (checking phone bills, etc,) and if he mess up again then there is no more chances. My husband still doesn't think talking and texting other girl is cheating. I'm telling you, my heart is broken because I love my hubby with all my heart but if he wants to do things like that then he is going to be a free man and do whatever he wants. Wish you the best!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:26 AM on Jan. 1, 2011

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